And everyone hated me.

Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.

The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.

What happened to the diary?

Yeah about that diary that I was keeping on working out and eating…yeah I stopped doing it for a while. I have been eating very unhealthy for the past few days. I haven’t been feeling so super because I have been stressing out with school and tests. Things haven’t been going the way that I would have liked them to be and so I just haven’t been caring about eating. I have been eating salad more and drinking water more but this week I have fell off from doing that. I haven’t been feeling so well emotional. I am not sinking into a deep sadness but I am starting to feel the pressures of not being able to go home to recuperate like I usually do when things get worse. I am not able to be in my own little space called my room like I used to be. I am home sick and I am not sure how to feel better about it. I told myself that I needed to work through my feelings and focus harder on school but it hasn’t been real easy. I thought that if I gave myself some motivational talks it would help but it hasn’t been. I am pretty lonely too though. I am not sure if these emotions are effecting my concentrations with studying because I haven’t been doing so well in one of my classes. I do study, this is true but I haven’t been doing well on my tests and that has been making me even more sad. I have been wearing smiles though and I try not to think about going home as often as I do. I just wish that I had a car though so I could travel out and around Louisiana. I wish that I was working back in retail again because I kind of feel like I would be able to focus on my work instead of my home life. But then again I remember when I was working in retail and how unpleasant my retail experiences were and I had to deal with that on top of my home life…so that may not be good. I don’t mind working in retail, it was just having to offer a brand credit card to customers that really used to make me upset at times. I do miss getting paid every two weeks though, man I really miss that.

I am going to see if I can squeeze in keeping up with my diary a little better for next week. I think I am going to start with Sunday if I remember to do it. I hope that I do remember to do it! Well I am going to go write some other post and I will be back later friends. PEACE.