Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.
The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.
One of the reason that I had come home that weekend because I had still agree to be a volunteer helper for Children Church with my mom. I didn’t know what lesson it was until that Sunday. My mom taught the lesson of the Fallen Angel that day and it was an eerie surprise to me. Why? Because all I could do was think back to the dream that I had the night before. I was like, “this is really happening…isn’t it?“. After church and on the way home, I asked my mom about the dream. I asked her what did it mean to have a dream about Satan and she talked to me about it. Though she helped me with the dream, I kind of felt like it meant more than it did and I still feel this way. And like always I couldn’t just let it go and I thought about the dream often. I became nervous and night and I didn’t want to sleep in the dark. I would feel pretty scared when my roommate wasn’t home and I would sleep with my lamp on too. I was starting to become more and more paranoid because I felt like I was watching for Satan everywhere I went cause like in the dream I felt like he was watching me. I felt like praying was useless and so I was helpless to whatever Satan had for me now.
I remember the weeks before my Chemistry final exam how I was praying and crying yet again and having my Grandmother to pray with me and give me encouraging words with this course. I wasn’t sure why I just wasn’t getting this Chemistry material and I really took the failings pretty hard. So hard in fact I remember walking into my Chemistry final with some faith and walking out with the most strangest headache and anger towards God that I had ever had. I was done with God for good and I meant that. At that very moment I just decided to stop believing in God and His Son Jesus. I was through with them and this so called faith thing. How was it that I asked for something so small and got nothing in return? When you let others in the class cheat and I didn’t? What kind of God am I serving if this is what you get for at least being faithful?! I was mocking God up and down and I just had enough of Him and so I stop believing. I was headed for a rude awaken for that summer and the things that I had planned. I had to watch my plans burn right in front of me and it lead me to make some very unclear and quick decisions…but were they the best though? And until this very day, I still cannot answer that but we will see.
I started to make myself physically sick with this religion and faith thing. The more that I prayed, the less that I believe and I felt like I was giving God the run around. I thought I was praying to Jesus whenever bad things came up but then again I am not sure who I was praying to, I was so confused. I didn’t trust my prayer because I didn’t see results. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Jesus anymore and I wasn’t sure how I felt about God anymore either. They both had failed me and left me to be alone but for some reason, the “GOOD PERSON” in me always wanted to go to church. I felt like my pastor had some strong words and whenever I would go I would instantly be rejuvenated by the word but it didn’t last. I was trying to stop from sulking but then again I just couldn’t help it. I was going in circles and I just couldn’t think.
I tried to hold on and I always would think back to the story of Job of how he went through EVERYTHING and NEVER left the side of God. That story was always my motivation but just wasn’t a good enough reason for me to relax. It was like I was an alcoholic who was getting drunk off depression but then running away to church to try to find my solace and nothing every filled this void. One week I trusted God and the next I didn’t. This continued to happen until I got one of the most scariest revelations in a dream which was Satan was REAL and he had his eyes on me. When I woke up from the dream, all I could do was cry because I felt like I was doomed to fail now. I mean, since Satan was watching me as closely as he was then I really didn’t have any way out of his strong hold. Did I go off and start partying and drinking? Having sex and doing drugs? No, but I was often tempted to be rebellious. But I did from my own mouth after this semester say that I was done with God and religion.
I remember that I was home for the weekend whenever I had this dream. The amount of stress that I was under was crazy and I never imagined myself being this stressed out, EVER. I often reread this dream and tears still flow for me. It hurts. It hurts to know that Satan does have his eyes on me and at that very point I felt like there was nothing more for me to do because this battle was already lost. How was I sure that the man was that man, Satan? Could I have been under so much stress that I misinterpreted that dream? Even when I write this, I still start to shed some tears cause it just was so scary for me. I am hurt and have been hurting from this for a while now but what made things even worse for me was when I had the reassurance that it was him. I was able to confirm my superstitions about who the man was in my dream later that day at church and it was so strange how it all played out for me too.
At the time, I didn’t have anyone to confide in that had a clearer head than me. I went to some friends for guidance but they made me feel worse. Trying to figure out how to do better in school and the fact that, “God will work it out for you…” just was starting to drive me a little crazy. I felt like I didn’t have time to pray and I was miserable during this semester. Why was it so hard for me to clear my head? I was always coming home on the weekends to get away from my stressful classes but I was inserting myself back into my home life. Coming home sometimes gave me false inspiration to finish college. I could barely talk to my mom because she was dealing with her own issues and I didn’t want to bother her. But I did let her know that I was serious about moving. I had been keeping in contact with admissions and I had been doing research about what I needed to do to get in as a transfer student. I did realize that going to an out of state college was more expensive and that made me worry. I had already sent an unofficial transcript to the admissions department and it was checked to make sure that my credits would transfer for me and everything was okay on that end. I wasn’t working at the time and coming across a job was very hard to do. The only money I got was my refund checks and I wasn’t so smart with them either.
I found money for my application fee somehow but how was school going for me? Chemistry was NOT my friend. We hated each other, or at least that is how I was made to believe. I underestimated this course I guess. I was so used to breezing through Chemistry in high school that I figured I would just be applying what I already knew. Chemistry, well college Chemistry is on a whole ‘nother level and now I see that you really have to work with this subject in order to get it. I didn’t understand that I felt like the little work that I was doing was okay and that would be enough to get me through. WRONG. I never had time to study this subject like one should in order to get a decent passing grade. I was in an Art class that was 3 hours on two days that also required a lot of work. I remember when I messed up one of my Art projects because I simply missed what the teacher was saying and of course she put me on blast for that too. Might I add, my listening skills started depleting after my freshmen year of college. It was almost like I had gone deaf to common sense and how to pay attention to detail.
In class though, I felt like the concepts on Chemistry wasn’t that hard to understand so I felt like I would be okay on the test. Haa ha not so much. As I had mentioned before, me and my faith were at wits ends with each other. I thought I could find God this semester while balancing school, my emotions and other things but I just couldn’t do it. There were many times when I just didn’t want to go to church. I wasn’t seeing results so why am I still here? I started getting upset with the church and its people. Could no religious leader see that I was going through things internally? No one in the church could sense that? Not even my own family members who were said to be so close to God, even YOU couldn’t see my frustrations? I was taking my issues out on everyone and blaming God for everything that was going wrong. I got tired of waiting for God to make a move and I felt like He could of at least I don’t know done something.
7 classes. 19 hours. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I figured it would be easy since in high school we used to take 7 classes a day anyway and so this should not be as complicated as other people are really making it out to be. Real talk, I was trying to hurry up and graduate because I was really starting to hate college at that point. I never felt like I was in the right place that I needed to be and I felt like I needed to either change that or leave it alone. After this semester though, dropping out was my first and only choice at that point and I wouldn’t look at any other option. Well there was the option for me to move…but…
That ton of bricks that I placed on my shoulders played a big role in my many mishaps that semester. Since I started feeling like moving away was possible, I started ignoring the screw ups and just was like, “I am moving away soon so I will fix it there” but that never happened. I started listening to music that was from a fouler tone as well as watching videos that were from darker and deeper places. Never before was I okay with vulgar music and the “f-bomb” but it soon became native to me and I wasn’t bothered by it. I felt like I was around people who cursed more than anything and I allowed their presence. I felt like if I did kindly ask them to please stop with the cursing, it would get me shunned or once again told that I needed to “grow up and deal with it“. I’ve had alcohol but it was never in surplus amounts. I did fear that if I didn’t loosen up a bit, that I wouldn’t be able to get the attention of the guys that I wanted because they would see me as being up tight and not laid back.
I struggled with those issues for the longest. I never felt comfortable being a so called “bad girl” or at least trying to approach it. My niceness often was understood as fake(ness) and so was my quiet nature too. I admit, there were many days where I just didn’t have anything to say. No matter how many times that I would say that I wasn’t shy, I guess that I am. My mind went back on my family, I was thinking about moving, I was thinking about rushing to graduate (hence the 16 hours last semester and 19 hours this semester) and I was thinking about love and falling into it. I thought if love wanted me then it would come to me, never being told that I had to often go to it. But in my defense, I mentioned before I wasn’t taught this stuff but I was always expected to just wake up one morning knowing it. That and I thought that my Grandmother said that the Bible said…”a man findeth a woman…-Proverbs 18:22” so I waited. And I waited. And……I waited, and guess what happened? Nothing.