And everyone hated me.

Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.

The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.

Ungratefulness.

And dealing with it. So. Umm lately I have been dealing with some people that don’t really seem too happy about the things that I’ve done for them or gifts given and one thing is for sure when this feeling comes to you it sucks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I was just didn’t worry about it but I am so used to this kind of stuff happening to me and it hurts. I don’t know what makes some people think that they need to be everyone’s priority or that I should have done what I did. And then in one case I felt some weird vibes from someone and for some reason I just had it on my mind that they really didn’t like the gift that I got for them. I can understand this. Maybe I should have asked if they would like what I was going to give to them, you know thinking that we were on same level so since this was a fact that they would like what I liked but I guess not huh. I guess a bad gift can really cause people to ignore you and throw shade but was it that serious? If I did something for you it came from the heart and because I care about you but nowadays people focus so much on whether or not you have a good job to ensure that this person will bring you a great gift.

This same reason is why the holidays are meaningless now because everyone wants expensive gifts instead of those two things you will never be able to buy, LOVE and TIME. I enjoy spending the holidays with my family but I remember there being times around Christmas when some were annoyed with whatever on that day. I was like, “oh my, are you serious?! God woke you up this morning, be thankful!“. Now I think it may be better to start spending the holidays alone, where I can enjoy my own company. To me, it isn’t about gift giving or just coming together to eat but the time that we spend together is always awesome to me; I love it. Even if many people were making $1,000,000 dollars a day, how much you want to bet they will still be plum miserable. I guess this is just going to be one of my rants for the day though. Like I said, things like that upset me because I know that I put a lot of thought into many things that I do for people but I also know I got to keep kicking. Experiences like the ones I’ve gotten make you open your eyes and hope and pray that you didn’t treat someone else with ungratefulness too. You must always be careful not to do what was wrongfully done to you unto others as well.

EVERYBODY has bad days, Alexa.

I know I know I know…that EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS but even with knowing this it still doesn’t help in letting you avoid them. I guess that is where the “LIFE” part comes in. It stinks to have to have a bad cashier one night and then go into work and have a bad customer the very next day knowing that you are truly not in the wrong. I think what has helped me out the most is knowing that everyone is human and that we all deal with issues and situations. You don’t know mine and I don’t know yours but still you have to have some level of a clear mind to be able to function in customer service, no matter what end you are on. And I guess for me I am doing my best to find that job that deals with absolutely NO PROBLEMS but I know that I am going to be searching forever because that dream career is non-existent. If it is one that thing I can definitely say about jobs and careers is it this: YOU NEVER STOP DEALING WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE, EVER.

You just don’t folks and reason being is because there isn’t any job, that I know of, that doesn’t deal with people on a regularly basis. With that said, you just have to remember, I have to remember that everyone has bad days. It stinks when people try to take their frustrations out on you but in turn remember not to be that person either. I do my best and I am NOT PERFECT but at least I know this and the most very important lesson that I have learned from working in customer service with all my jobs is this…”WHAT HAPPENS AT WORK STAYS AT WORK“. Don’t bring that confusion and negative energy home and end up hurting someone you love, let it go. Remember to smile and greet, and say thank you as you can. Keeping a friendly smile does help not so much in avoiding stupidity from people but as a self reminder that their actions won’t get to you. Well have a great day folks and see you later <3

swag

Hiding my health conditions.

And I already know that doing so isn’t good. For starters, I am not dying and I am in pretty okay health conditions. The only thing that is weighing me down is my weight, like literally. I never realized how much I had gained back after I had lost a good bit while in Alabama. Why(how) did I lose weight in Alabama? Well I walked to many of my locations that I needed to but this wasn’t everyday. I only walked to work for like a month in a half but before I got my last job there, I had to walk back and forth to the bus stops. I could catch the one that was in my apartment complex but after a certain time I had to catch another bus and then walk back to my apartment complex and to my home. Hmm, but I loved it. I loved being out on my own even though it wasn’t so smart to leave home with no car and stable job. Yes I know this and learned this lesson in the realest way ever, by living it not only first hand but second hand as well. I knew better but when I left Louisiana, I left angry and determined to be better and to do better.

Anyway, beyond the weight loss from the walking that I did it was the only reason that I was keeping an okay size really. Now, I have gained back what I lost (terribly) and ballooned even more and I am pretty embarrassed about it too. And guess what? It’s like everyone has been letting know that I have gained weight and it’s like, “seriously?” but I don’t get angry or curse because it is what it is. I feel like my weight is always on my mind and I am never comfortable about it. If I could complain about my situation even then after my rant I would still have no excuse to being overweight. Ugh. I do my best not to think about it but after a while, the fast food starts losing its taste and the Dr. Pepper keeps running flatter and flatter but I keep eating it. I believe I have officially reached my stopping point.

With all the reminders that I am fat I am doing my best to ignore the comments and to just go along with it. People don’t consider themselves as being rude but more as being right and having the right to say things to me that are pretty hurtful. I keep going and I am doing the best with what I have so I just ask that people think before the speak but that will never happen. It’s okay though, I know what I have to do in order to feel better and it will be done on MY TIME and not when people feel the need to keep nagging me about it. I know what I gotta do, stay in your lane because I got this. Thank you.

30 day writing challenge: Day 17

Day 17: Someone who broke your heart

I do not think that anyone has broken my heart. Yes, I have experienced many heart ACHES but never any broken hearts. Even when I say cliche things like, “oh that just broke my heart” I can’t really say that I have experienced a real heart break and I pray that I never have to either. I guess because I associate the words “heart break” with being in a relationship and having your partner hurt you so badly but really “heart breaks” can happen in anything. Whether that be with someone harming your verbally, dealing with bad news on the job, seeing people do things that you disapprove of, deaths, those less fortunate and et cetera. It just depends. It does make me very sad to see those in need and those who struggle with disabilities. It often makes me want to cry when I see those who are elderly and are still blessed to be moving around. I makes me almost tear up when I see elderly couples who are still going strong and sometimes when I see elderly ladies who really favor my great grandmother. But as to anyone person that has broken my heart, I have no one to call out and I pray that I never will.