Ungratefulness.

And dealing with it. So. Umm lately I have been dealing with some people that don’t really seem too happy about the things that I’ve done for them or gifts given and one thing is for sure when this feeling comes to you it sucks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I was just didn’t worry about it but I am so used to this kind of stuff happening to me and it hurts. I don’t know what makes some people think that they need to be everyone’s priority or that I should have done what I did. And then in one case I felt some weird vibes from someone and for some reason I just had it on my mind that they really didn’t like the gift that I got for them. I can understand this. Maybe I should have asked if they would like what I was going to give to them, you know thinking that we were on same level so since this was a fact that they would like what I liked but I guess not huh. I guess a bad gift can really cause people to ignore you and throw shade but was it that serious? If I did something for you it came from the heart and because I care about you but nowadays people focus so much on whether or not you have a good job to ensure that this person will bring you a great gift.

This same reason is why the holidays are meaningless now because everyone wants expensive gifts instead of those two things you will never be able to buy, LOVE and TIME. I enjoy spending the holidays with my family but I remember there being times around Christmas when some were annoyed with whatever on that day. I was like, “oh my, are you serious?! God woke you up this morning, be thankful!“. Now I think it may be better to start spending the holidays alone, where I can enjoy my own company. To me, it isn’t about gift giving or just coming together to eat but the time that we spend together is always awesome to me; I love it. Even if many people were making $1,000,000 dollars a day, how much you want to bet they will still be plum miserable. I guess this is just going to be one of my rants for the day though. Like I said, things like that upset me because I know that I put a lot of thought into many things that I do for people but I also know I got to keep kicking. Experiences like the ones I’ve gotten make you open your eyes and hope and pray that you didn’t treat someone else with ungratefulness too. You must always be careful not to do what was wrongfully done to you unto others as well.

Umm, can I have some privacy please?

Well can I? At this point, that would be a very selfish thing to ask. But what sparked this little thought? I guess it is the fact that there are times when I feel like I am putting myself out there too much. But part of me is like, “you’re not doing anything explicit so what’s the problem girl?” and I am not sure. I often feel it would be so silly to want privacy when I am into web design, graphic design and blogging. I know and realize that the average person that you meet doesn’t go researching for you on Facebook and other social media outlets but still I must wonder. The people I want to search for me have no idea who I am and the ones that I wish would stop bugging me have the advantage of finding me if they wanted to. Hmm. I know that seems goofy but hey that saying goes for me too you know? I feel like a lot of people deal with this but whenever I start looking for people (and yes I do) and notice that their many social media outlets are “private” I start thinking that maybe mine may be too open. I never bothered with a privacy issue because I figured that no one was searching for me but…I was wrong. People do search for me, for all of us and it is nothing to lose sleep over just something to keep in mind before you start posting crazy stuff. Then again, I have come across so many females who just have the mentality like, “I don’t care boo boo let them see me!!!” that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone showed me crazy stuff about the sweet and innocent school teacher. Hmm. Oh well just a random food for thought. I am starting to feel like I am too out there again but I am not sure why. I have nothing to be ashamed of and all I do is blog about life so…yeah. This is another one of my, “I’m taking a break from social media” rant blogs if you haven’t noticed yet.

Please leave me alone, about my hair.

Man, where can I begin? I don’t know but this may be one of those all over the place rants so please bare with me. I often get annoying comments about my hair from others but I just tend to ignore it. Sometimes I ponder over them and think about if what they told me is truth or not but then again I come to the realization that it was just hot air coming out of their mouths. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always taken pride in my hair and that being mainly because I always got compliments on it even when it was in its natural form which was either one afro puff or two. Only thing with this is…my compliments were mainly from white people who really didn’t care about the facts of being “natural” or anything like that they just liked my hair. Though many of my friends gave suggestions about straightening my hair and I let one of my friends do it about one or twice I believe I never had to worry about doing much to my hair. And since my hair gave me so much confidence of course I would be worried about my hair more than anything else with me and that’s how it has been ever since.

When I started college, I got tired of the old Jheri curl juice (mainly Care free Curl and S-Curl no drip activator and some others…) and I wanted to find something more mature to me. I knew that a lot of girls were wearing weave but wearing hair that wasn’t mine never sit too well with me. Yes, I did it for braids but not for to achieve a longer hair look. Though I will admit the girls who always had their hair done always looked so nice, I just could never find confidence in believing that hair weave would make me look better. And after playing through many of my sister’s wig collection I just came to the real with myself that wigs don’t look nice on my face either and there isn’t anything WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO WEAR HAIR EXTENSIONS TOO. But in these days and times, having confidence means having lace fronts and such in your hair and having make up on your face but I just don’t believe that. At many times though, I felt like I needed to start wearing make up and hair extensions to prove to people that I was indeed confident…but the idea just never sat well with me. BUT. But I did finally think it was time for me to try something new and so I decided to put a texturize in my hair. A texturizer perm does straighten your hair but not permanently like a regular perm would. BUT. But I wasn’t really used to taking care of my hair with the texturizer in it like I could do with my natural hair before which was just adding product and being ready to go. Oops.

So then my hair started thinning out and I started to freak but no one ever knew how upset I was about my hair but me. I called my cousin and then had my hair cut down really short in 2011 and so I’ve been rocking I guess “natural“…again since then. Let me say this though, I HATE BEING ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT BEING NATURAL because it’s always the same old questions. I never have time in a conversation to explain that I’ve always been natural and that I had to cut my hair because I wasn’t taking care of it with that texturizer in it. That, and I feel like I am supposed to be this guru on being “natural” when I am still learning myself. Really, this whole trend has gotten me confused because my old ways are showing up to be “not good enough” for natural hair. And whenever I first cut my hair someone asked me how long I’ve been natural and I inadvertently responded but with me being oblivious to the whole “natural moment” that was taking place. When I cut my hair, I honestly WAS NOT AWARE THAT ALL BLACK GIRLS WERE CUTTING THEIR HAIR FOR A MOVEMENT and let’s be real that’s exactly what it was and is. A movement, a trend. So now whenever girls ask me how long I’ve been natural it’s almost like they really only want to calculate how long it is taking for my hair to reach my back in length. And because its not I guess that means I am not using the right product or twisting all the time since my hair isn’t down my back….oh my gosh and I dumbly respond to the questions too.

And other things that really urk me are the girls who AREN’T natural who always seem to have the MOST advice on what I could do to my hair. I have been told so many times by girls who do wear hair extensions that they have the same hair pattern/texture as me and I just say “oh okay“. One being is because I don’t care to bash black women for wearing hair extensions because it is what it is. Women, black women, you have to come to terms with yourself and make sure that what you are doing with your hair is the right choice for you and your hair and not for America and its bi-polar ways. And bi-polar I am meaning one moment you are hearing black America telling black women that the weave wearing epidemic has gone too far and that we need to be confident in our natural look and then the next minute black America is saying that this natural trend has to stop and black women look bad in their natural hair. Well what is it? I don’t and would never go to another black girl and ask her why she wears lace fronts but I often get questions about why I don’t do this or that to my hair and it stinks. It often doesn’t bother me but when you’ve got something on your mind such as your appearance, and I don’t worry about that often but it does come to mind, the last thing I want to hear is a hair suggestion that you may have saw on Youtube, come on now. I HATE TRENDS and following them is just not me but this natural thing just sort of happened that way.

I do take pride in my hair and you MAY not like the way that I wear it, but it works for me and that’s all that matters. And this is NOT a black and white issue either because when I stayed in Tuscaloosa, I got a lot of compliments about my hair from black women so I don’t want it to be seen like that. It is more so the fact of people not thinking before they speak to make comments about “natural” hair that gets me.

If I offended, then I’m NOT sorry because this is a RANT. Good day sir.

Think before you SPEAK and react.

Many times I have been faced with dealing with many people who always want to take the confrontational route in life and those people never want to admit that they are truly wrong. When it comes to me though, I don’t like dealing with confrontational people but I have had to deal with many at my work and school. Over the years of my college experience, I guess you can say I had to finally learn to admit whenever I was wrong about something and I would apologize and leave it alone. But I feel like I am in a world where people truly pride themselves on being correct all the time and when you try to correct them, they flip out. That used to be me because as a child (the part about always being right), I would watch my sister get into trouble and how her trouble brought her punishment as well as embarrassment. As for me, I lived to stay out of trouble because I felt like being good was the only thing that I knew.

It really wasn’t until now that I started learning that I can’t always be right and that was just that. I learned through some events that I had to take personal responsibility for my own actions and that no one made that choice but me. I never liked feeling like I did something wrong but I guess that was because I was so strongly invested in my belief that I couldn’t do wrong since I was so nice and didn’t want to hurt anyone. Strangely, all of my niceness got interpreted for something else and little did I know it meant something bad. But even then, I was never the type of person that had to say something to someone; I was never good at responding. I have the tendency to stutter a lot, regardless of being nervous or just speaking I do it often so it kind of shy-s me away from speaking a lot. It’s not horribly bad but it is something that embarrass me enough to not hold super long conversations or speeches. But so many people equate responding back to standing up for yourself and if you don’t you are weak. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have been used as a synonym for weakness.

I never liked being inserted into someone else’s verbal disagreement but it happened! Statements such as, “I’m not Alexa, I will do you something” or “Unlike Alexa, I will tell you something…” and I often felt bad wondering if I needed to start being more reactive whenever people did me something. But unfortunately, I could never find my voice. I remember the many times (which were few) where I attempted to take up for myself and I got burned in the process. I just chose to not be that way and to always take the high road but even then I often felt like I was seen as more of a “weak person” than strong because I didn’t react. It was always, “you’re too sensitive Alexa” and never, “what I said was truly wrong and I am sorry about it“. And once again it was always, “you take everything to heart Alexa” and never, “not everyone likes to be clowned every second of every hour“. If you address these types of people then you are in the wrong and trust me I have been in the wrong for someone else’s wrong SO MANY TIMES. And because I chose not to react at that very moment I am classified as “weak” and that’s not cool to me.

You know what else I noticed about this type of situations? Is that these same people, well females, will break down and start crying about a personal issue and have the tendency to bring it up all the time but a never looked at as weak…Am I missing something here?! And also females, no matter the race, have the weirdest way of excluding you out so that you feel like crap and will BS with you and say they don’t have any issue with you…but they constantly give you the cold shoulder. That and they will have many females around them that they inspire to give you the cold shoulder too. It’s like people can’t say something to you without being rehearsed first or without having a cheerleader which I never had. Anyway this was just something on my mind and I wanted to address it. I know I titled this “Think before you SPEAK and react” but I really should have just left it at “Think before you REACT.” Hmm