Hey there! I think I am feeling pretty confident to start video blogging again. I am not in a place where I can do much of that, unless I got out to my car and make all my videos from out there but I am not sure if I want to do that. Anyway, I am going to be writing on some of the budget lists that I have been coming up with one being food, the other being money. I thought that I had a second one but I guess not. Hmm. I didn’t mean second I meant third and I am too lazy to go back and erase all of that so you’re just going to have to read it. But anyway this is the pre-post for those topics and I will be coming on here soon to start writing on them. I hope to get a lot more posts in for the journal other than just once in a while. Well I am going to be back with those topics shortly, thanks.
I have had more than enough time to sit out and think about what I wanted and where I was going. I got to say though, I have pushed back the thought of finishing college so many times because I felt comfortable in my situation. I figured, “well hey I don’t have any kids, no real responsibilities so I should be fine…” but the one thing kept coming into my mind. I wanted a house of my own, a car, and more money from the job that I had and nothing was ever seeming like it would notice me to get me where I needed to go. And how could it? Everything that was available I didn’t qualify for it so I kept thinking that my current situation was okay because there was no way out. I thought that I shouldn’t want for more but once I got deeper into the current job I started waking up from this daze. And it’s weird because I figured it was dealing with the people that would make me crack but it wasn’t, it was the money. Let me say this, and I thank God for allowing others to show me the truth, that no matter how high up you are or how low you stand the people and dealing with them will ALWAYS BE THE SAME OUTLOOK. Some people are so miserable with great paying jobs just as those are with not so great paying jobs but can I really say that this is sad?
You would think that they wouldn’t have problems and would at least be happier than what they are but then again look at the attitudes of those with not so great paying jobs and how they come off to people. I think it is time for us to drop the, “those who have less are more grateful” act because this is not always true. I am an example of that. I remember not having that much so whenever I was blessed with a job, I became very stingy with my money and food. Always making sure that I had something and never really wanting to share. Fast food was a luxury and I would spend (and still do) big bucks on fast food because I could (can now) afford it and it’s costing me financially and health wise. It is almost an addition to spend money on food rather than to buy something to make a meal for everyone. I just have to spend that dollar and it is almost as if I am trying to ensure that no one will ask for that same dollar from me; don’t ask me for money. Coming from the situation of not having money and now having money has made me pretty heartless at times. I hate sharing, don’t ask me for NOTHING and I just want to have my money and spend it too. I guess I am crazy but I have been burned so many times by others behind money and them thinking it was okay to get me to pay for things that they didn’t want to pay for (or couldn’t because they didn’t want to get their own money by choice). Or them saying things like, “you got money…” but yet I am living check to check.
When I first got this job, I started knocking down petty bills that I had that went into collections. And ugh did they use to bother me about this one and that one with phone calls and letters in the mail. Now that they are all paid off, they can’t even send me a, “thank you” for doing so and they surely made no efforts in taking them off of my credit report (which I am just now finding this out being that I spoke with them about it after it was made official but I got attitudes from one and a promise that it would be taken care of from another). If I take the time to look at my spending, which I have been trying to do my best to track, I can see where I am forking out the most and it is still on bills and fast foods. I am subscribed to things that I shouldn’t be and I am not using the most important subscriptions that I have and that is not good. Every time I try to slow down and make a list of everything that I am spending on I get upset, close the laptop and go to sleep. I am not sure, if you space your bills out then you should be fine living paycheck to paycheck with some extra cushion in the bank but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t always use more. So with that said, yeah money plays a HUGE part in wanting to finish college and get into a better paying career. That and the fact that I miss that interaction that I got in all of my other jobs, which were all in retail. I miss talking to people and that’s weird because I am generally quiet unless you bother me but after all those years of having to do it I got used to speaking to people more and more. Until now, I never realized how much of a luxury a simple piece of paper with your name and a seal stamp indicating that you completed so many years in this field or that field could keep you from getting X-amount more in dollars. Man, and that piece of paper also lets others know if you are qualified or not…NO MATTER WHAT DEGREE YOU HAVE. You could be a Biology major working in a classroom or a English major working in a plant…okay some of those are off but you get what I am saying right. It’s finally time to turn My College Daze into My College Days, because I’m woke now and I am ready to start trying again. See you all soon.
This week has been a trying one for myself. For whatever reason, I had days where I kept the worse feeling as if something bad were going to happen or that I was going to receive some bad or upsetting news. I couldn’t place it and whenever I get these feelings it’s like I am receiving the most shocking or embarrassing news which results in an unusual uncomfortable high. I start feeling nervous because I don’t know what to stop in order to stop whatever event that is going to occur from happening. My heart is uncontrollable weak; I can’t concentrate on anything happy without it being fake feelings and then going back to feeling nervous again. I have silent panic attacks, I freak out quietly but I know that I can’t make a scene because that will make it worse. I can’t calm down from the high and I am often led to cry in attempts to release the built up tension and stress. I become so uncomfortable and I just want to run away and disappear, and no one on Earth can ever make me feel better. I just deal with it. Whenever I have moments like this, I just deal with it. I never know what triggers them but whenever they come I usually go all the way down with them.
However, whenever the feeling of terror came upon me this time…I kept bypassing it with Jesus. It all started Monday when I received some great news in regards to good work paying off but then later things trickled down. Before the news came in, I was blessed with a bracelet band that reads, “God Can’t Fail” and after receiving it on that day I just couldn’t help but to smile so much. I was so blessed; I am so blessed and to be granted some encouraging words from just telling someone that I liked their bracelet made me feel so strong and mighty in God. After that I received a blow to the chest some hours later with some unexpected news, I cried about it but I managed to looked down at my bracelet to remember that this would/is something temporary and it would be okay. The next night I received some expected news and once again I cried about it and simply said that it wasn’t mine if I couldn’t get it, said my prayers and went to sleep with a heavy heart. I was pretty distraught but I wasn’t down and I wasn’t out. I just kept asking God to please remove the feelings and pain away from my heart, since I was the only one being hurt in this situation and for strength to let it.
Though I felt like I was doing a good job of letting these failures lay to rest, it didn’t stop the feelings from rearing their ugly head upon my thoughts. I had to keep reminding myself that I truly didn’t do anything wrong and that I really didn’t want to make this pain a big issue; I wanted to move on and was ready to do so. There are times now that I think about the news and I get so sad but I know that this is the time for me to be SERIOUS about EVERYTHING that I kept saying that I was going to do. My thoughts aren’t 100% clear but they are clear enough to remind me that I never want to feel this kind of hurt again and that I am willing to do what ever it takes to make the pain a forgotten memory. I am willing to stay up late and lose sleep just to make sure that I complete something. I am willing to spend time and time and time on something if I don’t get it. I am willing to…sacrifice what I thought that I wanted for the time needed to focus on something bigger and better. I am ready to stop double questioning myself, “should I?” and triple answering with, “no, not yet.“. I am ready to silence my fears. I am ready to grow. I am ready to learn. So even with heartaches and heartbreaks, I am ready for whatever God has for me and with this I know that, “God Can’t Fail” and that is so powerful to me. Be blessed.
And by that I mean these web domains because everything is getting out of hand. I come on my page and I am just like, “this is so boring, it is so bland and there is so much I need to clean up on here…”. I do research for other blogs out there that would be popping and I get to nothing. Almost everything that I came across was pretty much a dish of repetitiveness and I really dislike that. There were some mommy blogs that I came across that had content similar to mine, meaning they were making post to in some way, “interact” with their viewers which is what I am working towards doing. I am very interested in putting out content that will bring in more viewers and interactive people but I am not for selling my attention to Hollywood to do it. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a celebrity blog, though I gave my opinion on many things concerning celebrities. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a advice blog, though this kind of is but in a way that I am doing my best to tell a story rather than do, “advice on: boys, love, family, make-up…etc”. And finally, I made it clear to myself that I just wanted to be free and not worry about getting 415+ comments on my posts, 1,515,529 likes on Facebook and 2,562,682 or 2.5m followers on InstaGram. I sadly, lost that passion somewhere along the way. I started deleting all of my social networks and the ones that I did have, I was super quiet on them so it was like I was shy and quiet in person as well as on my social media. I got annoyed and just went through and deleted all of them…and now I am starting over again. Why? I’m doing it for VINE…just kidding I am doing it for my business. I just can’t stop thinking about the many possibilities that I can gain from putting in work towards this idea. I think I have been putting this opportunity off for way too long and now that things are changing up in my personal life, I can see where God is making arrangements for me to do so again. I am determined this time not to fail God and not to fail myself. If He gave me this talent, not using it is a sign of ungratefulness I wouldn’t want to hurt God like that. I mentioned a second job, maybe this could be it and then I could make plans for school again. I have been receiving some pretty harsh heartbreaks over the past few days and even though my mind keeps playing them back for me I just keep telling myself that, “it wasn’t mine if I couldn’t get it” and “God Can’t Fail”. No, things haven’t been working out in the best way for me but I am still here and I thank God for the blessing of another chance at life. I am going to be making changes to all tree of my main sites and the others respectively. Though this site came first, it isn’t a business like the other three are considered and the last three are family businesses. So. With that said, don’t wish me luck but pray for me. PEACE.
Have you ever been so convinced that things would go one way and they end up going in a completely different direction? I mean you planned this, “thing” out to the T making sure that you didn’t mess anything, NOT A SIMPLE BEAT but then things disintegrate right before your eyes. I have been dealing with little upsets like this and the only thing that I can do it just to keep going. I know its been a while since I been on here and I probably didn’t mention that I was blessed with a car, that has been turning into a bit of a headache for me. And it is weird how you hear stories about those who received free cars and the struggles that they had with them. I figured I would have caught a break being that this is my very first car and I waited so long, so many rejections and tears from car places, and out of the blue I finally got one. Man. I guess I was just under the impression that things would be different for me, you know still a struggle but minor things and not dealing with huge bank drainers like I am now. I get money but then after it evaporates and to where I am not sure. I see where I am over spending and I see where I don’t need for the things that I think I need. Hmm. I have the tendency to spend money on food even when I am not hungry, it’s just a weird thing that I do but things are changing for me so I have to stop. As of now, I am in a tough spot because I am tied down to so many obligations that it seems like I can’t make them happen now…yikes. I am so stuck, I don’t think I can even see about going back to school because I want to see about getting a second job to pick up some extra cash. If I see this car is just too much to fix, then I have to get another one meaning I am going to need more money to do so. I am not going to have time for school, once again. I was under the impression that this little car would be able to get me back and forth for school so that I wouldn’t have to worry about an extra expense…but I guess I was wrong. Uhm. I still have some time before making a decision about this car and our future together. I didn’t want to let her go like that but she’s getting a little out of hand. I am just blessed that I got her and we made it this far. It will work out. Even though I cried, frowned and cried some more I believe that it will work out. I do.