Budget, budget, BUDGET!

Hey there! I think I am feeling pretty confident to start video blogging again. I am not in a place where I can do much of that, unless I got out to my car and make all my videos from out there but I am not sure if I want to do that. Anyway, I am going to be writing on some of the budget lists that I have been coming up with one being food, the other being money. I thought that I had a second one but I guess not. Hmm. I didn’t mean second I meant third and I am too lazy to go back and erase all of that so you’re just going to have to read it. But anyway this is the pre-post for those topics and I will be coming on here soon to start writing on them. I hope to get a lot more posts in for the journal other than just once in a while. Well I am going to be back with those topics shortly, thanks.

A bitter weight loss?

Oh no. For some time now I have been thinking about losing weight but I kept going back and forth with myself. The yes’s and no’s paused and interrupted me in the middle of many prayers about this and other things. At one point before this, I was so miserable in the simple thought of losing weight but why? I guess that I had it in my mind that I could stay this way and just improve myself, you know with wearing makeup and taking better care of my outer appearance. But once those feelings faded I was back to looking like the same old me, looking fat and I guess sloppy. Ever since I was younger I’ve dealt with my weight being an issue and had many low key disses towards me about it too. But because I am who I am, I pretended like I didn’t catch it and moved on…what was I supposed to do, fight them? I went to God for strength with dealing with the hurt and with that didn’t work, I went to food and isolation which resulted in making the situation worse. I remember being in elementary, middle and high school and almost wanting to die because I hated being noticed and I hated being without my jacket. There were times when I would stare in the mirror and cry. When I got of age, I bought some weight loss pills and I abused them shoving two in my mouth to get some results. I did do some working out so I started to slim down but I had my periods of weight loss followed by weird weight gain. For whatever reason you chose not to believe me because I am overweight then okay but while going through high school, I wasn’t eating everyday like one should sometimes no meals. I ate at school and at home got it was whatever my mom could afford and one of those things was iced tea with sugar. I drank that almost religiously; I loved it.

With me just drinking that, I never hungered badly and lost the appetite for food. Really, I think I even ate the school food because it was just something routine to do. Now we weren’t starving but there were times of a shortages and drought seasons. Now it is easy for me to have a drink fill me up or for a snack because of this. But this whole process of losing weight is a scary one. When I grew older, it was like my body started shaping itself strangely and I wasn’t sure what was what. Researching things, I came to the conclusion that many black women were shaped this so what did that mean? I needed to figure out how to make it…me work but I never liked the idea of that. I was never “thick” but “fat” and there were so many girls around me that prided themselves in their classification of “thick“…but they were indeed “fat” and I never understood that. After a tough stage of being nagged about my weight, which these seasons come and go so I am most likely due for another one soon, I came to the conclusion that this was enough. I was angry but I couldn’t be angry with those mentioning my weight because they didn’t make me fat. It was a weird feeling of hurt because I wanted to be angry but I kept reminding myself that everyone was right and that I couldn’t get mad so I got sad but I didn’t pig out on food this time. Rather yet…I got a membership to a gym and started taking time to go to the park to workout.

I’ve cried many nights about this decision because part of me feels like I am just doing this to shut people up instead of it being a positive thing for myself. Okay let me be honest, %1000 of me feels like this movement is for everyone else so that’s why I am moving slowly on it. And also like I mentioned my brain is wrapped around, “well once I lose weight, I’ll be able to get any guy’s attention…” and also on the fact that, “I want a guy to like me like I am…” and then there’s, “but will I be killing myself to lose weight once I get into a relationship?…“. So I’ve been driving myself insane thinking about this. Losing weight should never be so shameful but for me it is because I am not sure what is going to hurt worse, staying this size or losing weight. I feel like I might be resentful and more angry towards guys trying to talk to me, and I already made up in my mind that I am going to tell them no and just be single and skinny but the more logical part of me tells me that attitude won’t solve anything. I haven’t made changes to anything or everything just yet. I am working on making a schedule that works for me because I already started being apps and workout equipment like the gimmick that I never wanted to be involved in. If you read this and tell me that I need to love myself, truth is I already did. I was happy with me but being happy with myself will never stop the comments and embarrassing conversations in public about my weight. I can no longer bring tears to the table when it comes to this issue, but I know that something isn’t sitting well in my heart concerning this and I just can’t figure out whatever it is. Hmm.

12 hour snack zone

Usagi snackingNo meal zone, no meal zone! I snack better! Say what? I SNACK BETTER!!! Whoo! I wasn’t expected to get to this point in my life folks and what I am saying it an official giving up on the junk. Why what happened? I just finally got tired of the sluggish feeling, broke feeling, money wasted feeling, yucky feeling, tired feeling and unpleasant bathroom urges and I am at a point where I am willing to do something about it. As we speak I am regretting what I ate because it is leaving a bad aftertaste in my mouth and tummy. It’s like I cannot process food anymore without feeling so yucky. The yucky feeling can best be described as feeling like I am going to regurgitate soon and my body is preparing the services for it and really as if I saw something really nasty and I am grossed out. Ugh, trust me this is a horrible feeling to have just waiting in your body and guess what? Nothing happens so there isn’t anything I can do to stop these strange feelings. I also noticed I have been consuming way too many cold drinks and this could be why I am feeling super uncomfortable. I hate drinking water at work because I am always having to go to the restroom and it’s like I can never hold it for long.

snacks!!!Now I noticed that drinking cold drinks have the same urgent rush like water does. Yikes. But that is all I seem to have for myself at work which is cold drinks and snacks from the vending machine and this isn’t good. I am asked often why I don’t bring lunch and I have no answer but really when I am in the store looking for something, my hands find snacks and TV dinners. It is like I am never in the mood for real food and just grab anything just so I can have something but enough is enough. All this snacking has added up, physically and financially because I am just grabbing random things and keep having to grab random things because nothing is pre-made for me. I am in need of good cleanse and I am so glad that I was able to come across the Simple Green Smoothies website. I intended to do the 30 day challenge for October but that will have to wait. I purchased the special that they had going on for the 21 day cleanse and the 30 challenge so I am going to be working on that this month and in the next. I am ready to start feeling better you guys, seriously I am. I really think it’s me downing cold drinks like I am because even now I feel super yucky as we speak. Blah! It’s going to work out, I believe this. Well please stay tuned to this challenge cleanse thingy as I will be posting about my struggles and whatnot with it. See you all soon <3

Okay, so what happened was…

I am so lazyOkay, so what happened was I was supposed to have already had a challenge for October and November lined up but something happened…laziness came over to spend the night and ended up staying for a few weeks. That ended up pushing me back with writing more than I expected because I had to wait on him hands and feets (I mean feet). Sorry. At least I have an excuse though, even if you don’t believe it so yeah. But I really had a challenge lined up for October and something was going to come to pass (or past) for November but things aren’t looking to go in that direction. I am going to keep looking for things to do for my October challenge, even it is one that I find. I wanted to track my 21 day cleanse that I was doing from the Simple Green Smoothie website but I am not sure my body is ready for that but I need to start sometime soon.

I can’t keep pushing back my health because I am not sure if now is a good time to start. I guess you don’t have to prepare yourself for a cleanse though, you just step right into doing it hmm. Anyway, because I am not sure if I am going to have that challenge in the position that I want it I think I may, WAIT! The real reason I didn’t do that 21 day cleanse in September because when I found out about it, I wouldn’t have had enough days in September to do it and I had signed up to start the 30 day smoothie challenge for October from Simple Green Smoothie so that is what really happened. I wanted to push the 21 day cleanse to October and just do the smoothie challenge in November, even though Thanksgiving is in November. I am not worried about missing out on yummy Thanksgiving specials because my health is more important than sweet potatoes and turkey with gravy. I got to get this folks, I really do. I don’t want my blog to be all confusing though so I am going to come on here and organize the next challenges that I am going to do on here so my posts won’t seem so cluttered. See you soon loves and I may end up borrowing a challenge from someone’s blog just for fun. <3

Might as well do something while you’re doing nothing.

Haa ha. Haa ha. Sorry that was from napoleon dynamite but anyway it is pertaining to something that I have been begging myself to do…slim down. I feel so bad right now and I don’t mean bad as in emotions wise. I feel pretty yucky again and I am not sure what the cause of it is. I rarely eat meals but I can get my hands on a snack and fast food easily and I think I am starting to feel the results of the snack attack and fast food frenzy weighing down on me. I figured it would be better not to stress about losing weight right now because I am in a living situation that is pretty stressful and has caused me to gain weight because of it. But with that fact, I am not sure how much more I can take of just eating reckless like this, I might as well do something right? I am not showing the stress and I have been doing pretty well with keeping it to myself but I know that if I don’t find something soon, that stress will explode into something very un-pretty and I really would hate for that to happen. Car-less it is hard for me to find a way to get back and forth to a gym so I don’t have that option. I could come up with other ways for me to work out though. I guess I spend so much time on Tumblr re-blogging pictures of people who go to the gym and pump iron like beasts and who have six-packs. I guess I feel like I need a gym to lose weight and that dieting won’t do anything for me. It is going to work out, it will and I would like to keep track of my progress through my blog on here. I am going to start up soon but everything has to fall into place correctly though. I am not in a rush to do this so that is what is helping with keeping me calm. See you guys soon and I will starting that weight loss blogs soon. <3