Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.
The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.
I have had more than enough time to sit out and think about what I wanted and where I was going. I got to say though, I have pushed back the thought of finishing college so many times because I felt comfortable in my situation. I figured, “well hey I don’t have any kids, no real responsibilities so I should be fine…” but the one thing kept coming into my mind. I wanted a house of my own, a car, and more money from the job that I had and nothing was ever seeming like it would notice me to get me where I needed to go. And how could it? Everything that was available I didn’t qualify for it so I kept thinking that my current situation was okay because there was no way out. I thought that I shouldn’t want for more but once I got deeper into the current job I started waking up from this daze. And it’s weird because I figured it was dealing with the people that would make me crack but it wasn’t, it was the money. Let me say this, and I thank God for allowing others to show me the truth, that no matter how high up you are or how low you stand the people and dealing with them will ALWAYS BE THE SAME OUTLOOK. Some people are so miserable with great paying jobs just as those are with not so great paying jobs but can I really say that this is sad?
You would think that they wouldn’t have problems and would at least be happier than what they are but then again look at the attitudes of those with not so great paying jobs and how they come off to people. I think it is time for us to drop the, “those who have less are more grateful” act because this is not always true. I am an example of that. I remember not having that much so whenever I was blessed with a job, I became very stingy with my money and food. Always making sure that I had something and never really wanting to share. Fast food was a luxury and I would spend (and still do) big bucks on fast food because I could (can now) afford it and it’s costing me financially and health wise. It is almost an addition to spend money on food rather than to buy something to make a meal for everyone. I just have to spend that dollar and it is almost as if I am trying to ensure that no one will ask for that same dollar from me; don’t ask me for money. Coming from the situation of not having money and now having money has made me pretty heartless at times. I hate sharing, don’t ask me for NOTHING and I just want to have my money and spend it too. I guess I am crazy but I have been burned so many times by others behind money and them thinking it was okay to get me to pay for things that they didn’t want to pay for (or couldn’t because they didn’t want to get their own money by choice). Or them saying things like, “you got money…” but yet I am living check to check.
When I first got this job, I started knocking down petty bills that I had that went into collections. And ugh did they use to bother me about this one and that one with phone calls and letters in the mail. Now that they are all paid off, they can’t even send me a, “thank you” for doing so and they surely made no efforts in taking them off of my credit report (which I am just now finding this out being that I spoke with them about it after it was made official but I got attitudes from one and a promise that it would be taken care of from another). If I take the time to look at my spending, which I have been trying to do my best to track, I can see where I am forking out the most and it is still on bills and fast foods. I am subscribed to things that I shouldn’t be and I am not using the most important subscriptions that I have and that is not good. Every time I try to slow down and make a list of everything that I am spending on I get upset, close the laptop and go to sleep. I am not sure, if you space your bills out then you should be fine living paycheck to paycheck with some extra cushion in the bank but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t always use more. So with that said, yeah money plays a HUGE part in wanting to finish college and get into a better paying career. That and the fact that I miss that interaction that I got in all of my other jobs, which were all in retail. I miss talking to people and that’s weird because I am generally quiet unless you bother me but after all those years of having to do it I got used to speaking to people more and more. Until now, I never realized how much of a luxury a simple piece of paper with your name and a seal stamp indicating that you completed so many years in this field or that field could keep you from getting X-amount more in dollars. Man, and that piece of paper also lets others know if you are qualified or not…NO MATTER WHAT DEGREE YOU HAVE. You could be a Biology major working in a classroom or a English major working in a plant…okay some of those are off but you get what I am saying right. It’s finally time to turn My College Daze into My College Days, because I’m woke now and I am ready to start trying again. See you all soon.
Yikes, as of now I don’t have a daily routine so sorry folks. I get up whenever woken by God because I don’t have an alarm on my phone or a clock. I clean myself up and then get on the laptop so yeah. I am still waiting to hear back from a job that I applied for earlier this month and the waiting it really getting to me. I am doing my best to make sure that I don’t stress too much or over think things but at times even the strong seem to wonder off path. Hmm. I know that if I want this, then I am going to have to act like it is already mine and start speaking it into my existence because that’s how bad I really want this. I don’t have much to say for today, sorry. It was a beautiful day outside though <3
UHH!!! I have a lot of things that I would like to get my hands on…but here is the problem. I have a problem with getting started. I am worried about the things that are not going to work as well as the things that will work. I know it is not good to have a fear of the good things but I am trying to talk that fear out of me. It isn’t about having confidence because I could have all the confidence in the world and still deal with panic attacks and such. It’s me finding a way to defeat this anxiety that I have but I am going to keep pushing through it. Really, I would like to get started on this list that I made here, 30 day writing challenge: Day 4 so yeah. That is going to be my goals for next month, you know working towards getting the majority of things on this list started. <3