Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.
The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.
And by that I mean these web domains because everything is getting out of hand. I come on my page and I am just like, “this is so boring, it is so bland and there is so much I need to clean up on here…”. I do research for other blogs out there that would be popping and I get to nothing. Almost everything that I came across was pretty much a dish of repetitiveness and I really dislike that. There were some mommy blogs that I came across that had content similar to mine, meaning they were making post to in some way, “interact” with their viewers which is what I am working towards doing. I am very interested in putting out content that will bring in more viewers and interactive people but I am not for selling my attention to Hollywood to do it. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a celebrity blog, though I gave my opinion on many things concerning celebrities. I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a advice blog, though this kind of is but in a way that I am doing my best to tell a story rather than do, “advice on: boys, love, family, make-up…etc”. And finally, I made it clear to myself that I just wanted to be free and not worry about getting 415+ comments on my posts, 1,515,529 likes on Facebook and 2,562,682 or 2.5m followers on InstaGram. I sadly, lost that passion somewhere along the way. I started deleting all of my social networks and the ones that I did have, I was super quiet on them so it was like I was shy and quiet in person as well as on my social media. I got annoyed and just went through and deleted all of them…and now I am starting over again. Why? I’m doing it for VINE…just kidding I am doing it for my business. I just can’t stop thinking about the many possibilities that I can gain from putting in work towards this idea. I think I have been putting this opportunity off for way too long and now that things are changing up in my personal life, I can see where God is making arrangements for me to do so again. I am determined this time not to fail God and not to fail myself. If He gave me this talent, not using it is a sign of ungratefulness I wouldn’t want to hurt God like that. I mentioned a second job, maybe this could be it and then I could make plans for school again. I have been receiving some pretty harsh heartbreaks over the past few days and even though my mind keeps playing them back for me I just keep telling myself that, “it wasn’t mine if I couldn’t get it” and “God Can’t Fail”. No, things haven’t been working out in the best way for me but I am still here and I thank God for the blessing of another chance at life. I am going to be making changes to all tree of my main sites and the others respectively. Though this site came first, it isn’t a business like the other three are considered and the last three are family businesses. So. With that said, don’t wish me luck but pray for me. PEACE.
Yikes, as of now I don’t have a daily routine so sorry folks. I get up whenever woken by God because I don’t have an alarm on my phone or a clock. I clean myself up and then get on the laptop so yeah. I am still waiting to hear back from a job that I applied for earlier this month and the waiting it really getting to me. I am doing my best to make sure that I don’t stress too much or over think things but at times even the strong seem to wonder off path. Hmm. I know that if I want this, then I am going to have to act like it is already mine and start speaking it into my existence because that’s how bad I really want this. I don’t have much to say for today, sorry. It was a beautiful day outside though <3
Day 26: Something you could never get tired of doing
Well today was church day and it is always a blessing to be able to make it to church safely so with that said, what could I never get tired of doing? Hmm I had something else to say here but I don’t feel like the timing is right. I have a lot of things that I am dealing with but with everything I am making sure to keep a smile on my face and faith in my heart. I would say that I never get tired of going to church but I need to work on praying a lot more. I get busy just like everyone else but then again I find time to fit in other things from my “want” list before putting prayer first, oops. We have all done it though but I know that if I am seriously about moving towards God and what He has for me that I need to be able to talk to Him with more confidence. I guess that is why I shy away from praying too, because I am often unsure what to say! I see prayer can become something so scripted when it should be something more towards a true conversation with God. I guess I have been spending time trying to figure out how to prefect my prayer when I really needed to be just going along with it unscripted. Hmm. I am working on that and I am not perfect but I will get it down pat soon! Trust! Oh and one more thing that I don’t think I could get tired of doing would be making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think I could honestly live off of them, yumm! Alright, peace!
I had gotten back with Christ after some time but it wasn’t a good make up story. Why? While sitting out from my Christian up bringing I noticed and observed a lot of things. I noticed mainly the hypocrisy within the Christian community and how so many were saying that they were “Christians” but living a different lifestyle. How did this have anything to do with me? Just like a child is very impressionable so was I with trying to find the point of my faith. I didn’t want to be a Christian just because my family stressed it and that was my main reason for going astray and trying to find religion on my own. But everything that I was coming to just didn’t make any sense. In college, I would come across people who said that God helped them out with so much but weren’t living a lifestyle that showed so much appreciation for what God did for them. I also came across so many people who were successful, happy and doing well in life but were non-believers of Christ. They were doing fine without religion and it was like nothing was damning them for not being a Christian. So was it possible for me too to live this lifestyle?
I wanted to. Jesus was on the back burner for me and whenever people asked if I believed in God I would say yes but would hope that they didn’t lecture me. I didn’t want to be reminded of our past. I ran into so many Christians that were “okay and content” with living a worldly lifestyle and barely sacrificed anything to live for Christ…but they made it seem like God answered everything for them. This simple fact infuriated me because I felt like I was doing my best to live a Christian lifestyle and God was not answering me for some reason. Why was there a communication block between God and me? I was making myself sick with the religion thing and I just decided to let it go and give God a break. I needed to. I went spiraling and I don’t know who caught me because I never heard the voice of God there whenever it happened. Just with that failed suicide attempt, it was me who calmed myself down and talked myself out of completing it. I often thought about how God probably viewed me and the things that I was going through. I often said that God must have been ignoring me. He was ignoring me and I wasn’t sure why either. I felt like dying was too easy to happen and so since my problems weren’t that bad I had to endure them anyway, just like everyone else.
The many times where I thought God would have shown favor in my life, He didn’t and so I quite often felt like God had failed me. I just needed to figured out, without religion being pushed on me, how God worked and my purpose for existence. Why had I survived the almost suicidal attempt? What was really my purpose and being here? I never found out and I don’t think I will but something also troubled me. I had been doing research on God, Christ and the whole “religion” thing. I remember searching “what if you feel like God has given up on you?” or something to that extent and came across a forum board. One of the comments was to just start living your life without God and to be carefree almost. Though there were other comments about how God loved us, I was more concerned with the one that said to start living your life…and that is what I was aiming for. But I did think about that dream I had about Satan having his eyes on me. If Satan was proven to be real in my dreams then God had to have been real. It wouldn’t make since that Satan could exist and that God couldn’t so therefore God had to be alive and real but it still didn’t help me feel much better. I stopped thinking so much into the whole “religion” thing and started thinking of how I could make things work, without God. Could I?
I didn’t pray for that job that I got but I got it. I never prayed about moving away to Alabama but I was able to do it. I prayed about college and nothing good ever came from it. I prayed and PRAYED about getting a car and I still haven’t managed to get one. And last but not least, I had been praying about my family and our situation since I was young child but nothing ever happened there either. When I was having issues at work, I would pray and it was like the issues would get WORSE but when I didn’t pray, everything was okay. Am I sending up gibberish to God in prayer?! What’s really going on to the point that when you pray, things get WORSE?! What!?! I just decided to just be at an agreement with God and that was I acknowledged Him and that I did love Him but from a distance. I stopped putting so much religion into everything and just stepped back from Him all together. I know that they say that you are not to be ashamed of loving Jesus but for me, it was almost like my Christianity was getting me into so much trouble. I thought about changing religions quite often but then I didn’t know if that would help me out much. I felt it would be best to hide my Christianity so that I wouldn’t draw any attention to me from any lurking demons. Yes I am Christian but please don’t bother me about what God can do for me, especially since it feels like He has truly forgotten about me…so now what?