And everyone hated me.

Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.

The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.

Ungratefulness.

And dealing with it. So. Umm lately I have been dealing with some people that don’t really seem too happy about the things that I’ve done for them or gifts given and one thing is for sure when this feeling comes to you it sucks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I was just didn’t worry about it but I am so used to this kind of stuff happening to me and it hurts. I don’t know what makes some people think that they need to be everyone’s priority or that I should have done what I did. And then in one case I felt some weird vibes from someone and for some reason I just had it on my mind that they really didn’t like the gift that I got for them. I can understand this. Maybe I should have asked if they would like what I was going to give to them, you know thinking that we were on same level so since this was a fact that they would like what I liked but I guess not huh. I guess a bad gift can really cause people to ignore you and throw shade but was it that serious? If I did something for you it came from the heart and because I care about you but nowadays people focus so much on whether or not you have a good job to ensure that this person will bring you a great gift.

This same reason is why the holidays are meaningless now because everyone wants expensive gifts instead of those two things you will never be able to buy, LOVE and TIME. I enjoy spending the holidays with my family but I remember there being times around Christmas when some were annoyed with whatever on that day. I was like, “oh my, are you serious?! God woke you up this morning, be thankful!“. Now I think it may be better to start spending the holidays alone, where I can enjoy my own company. To me, it isn’t about gift giving or just coming together to eat but the time that we spend together is always awesome to me; I love it. Even if many people were making $1,000,000 dollars a day, how much you want to bet they will still be plum miserable. I guess this is just going to be one of my rants for the day though. Like I said, things like that upset me because I know that I put a lot of thought into many things that I do for people but I also know I got to keep kicking. Experiences like the ones I’ve gotten make you open your eyes and hope and pray that you didn’t treat someone else with ungratefulness too. You must always be careful not to do what was wrongfully done to you unto others as well.

What really matters…

I don’t think that I have it in me to just be like, “the world (white people, all races) hates us and this is just the way that it is…” but can I say that this issue has been on my heart since things got crazy with Trayvon Martin and his case. I remember checking my Facebook when the whole Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman issue first came about. I had someone who I considered close to me post some very disturbing things in defense of George Zimmerman and one of the things she said was that she was glad that Trayvon Martin was dead. I was pretty upset and I didn’t understand why she would say something like that because no matter what the issue was I just didn’t feel like George Zimmerman was right. Once all the evidence came out, it surely indicated that George Zimmerman was in the wrong but the jury felt other wise. With having seen the stomach turning posts about how George Zimmerman was right and those who supported him, I just went idle from social media for a bit. I couldn’t believe it and really I couldn’t believe this stuff was coming from people that whose house I used to spend the night at while in school. I remember the first time a friend asked if I could spend the night and how hesitant my mother was. She was afraid of something but as a child I didn’t really know why or understood her fear, or if it was even a fear.

When she finally gave in and let me go and spend the night over at a friend’s house I was happy. Even at a young age, white children said things to me that I could only keep in my heart and not act upon because I didn’t understand them. I still played with them, laughed with them…we were friends. I grew up having to deal with them saying out of line comments towards black people and thinking that just because I was black that meant I knew everything well, black. I put up with a lot of stupidity, on my own fault entertained a lot of foolishness and never once did I lash out because I couldn’t. That and everyone felt the same way so I was outnumbered. There were many times when I hated going to an predominately white school because I felt so out of place and as if I had to believe their backwards ways. Relationship mixing with BLACKS was a huge no no for them all but other races were okay…??. Pre-martial sex was okay, having children out of wedlock, homosexuality, drinking, alcohol, all sin…just don’t date a black person. I had to come to terms with this because it never made sense why they deemed us this picture of ultimate sin up against that other stuff or other races…but I grew up and let it be. I befriended many on Facebook throughout my high school years, regardless of any of that stuff, I let it go.

But then President Obama had won the 2008 election and was about to enter into the White House. As we remember this generated a mass hysteria between blacks and whites, and like wise some high school classmates said some terrible things and I was hurt. I didn’t understand their dislike for him other than his race because it was mentioned in just about all the negative comments towards him…but I let it go and if it was too much then I deleted. I had my doubts with white people and everything that I have been hearing since I was a child was coming to pass…that white people are afraid of us and these simple actions were proving this fact. I kept this in my heart but left the issue alone because what could I do? It’s not like I can cure them from that fear that they had so yeah. Likewise, I watched and read comments against Trayvon Martin and those murder cases that followed and I just started to develop a dislike and fear towards white people because it was all too much.

I was working at Albertson’s around the time Mike Brown was shot down by a police officer and at work while the trial was being held. I was on my break and in the car listening to a black Christian news channel and they were reporting how the jury ruled in Darren Wilson’s favor…I felt so eerie, sick and confused. Not because of the event but because there was something in me that was telling me that things would get worse between black people and white people. I was afraid. At this point, I really felt like I should just stop having anything to do with white people because it always ends in something bad. I went back in to get on the cash register and the first customer that I had was a white man. I made very little eye contact with him but still kept the peace and when I finished up the transaction I looked up at him and he gave me a smile. After hearing that radio broadcast, I wasn’t sure if I should return the favor but I did and the fear remained the same.

So fast forward to now with having all the issues come about with blacks verses the police, #BLACKLIVESMATTER, “hands up don’t shoot” and other things I came to the conclusion that many of us…WERE REACHING to heights that should have never been reached. I understand that must be the most horrible thing to have ever witnessed, your love one being killed, but was it so hurtful because it was a cop or because they died? I guess during this time where I felt like I should distance myself away from white people because they hated us for no reason, God showed me some things and most of that was how both sides…WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG. I do not understand how you can justify killing someone just to do so and in many cases that is what happened, other cases that is NOT what happened. I am guessing that police officers are trained to shoot you if you do not listen to them and continue to fight them and struggle with them, I don’t know it may be classified as failure to cooperate but shooting them dead is the punishment?? I must say this, that if you find yourself in a situation like this to NOT FIGHT WITH THE POLICE AND TO DO AS YOU ARE TOLD regardless if you feel like they are not treating you right please, do not resist but back to the point I am getting at.

And currently we have another issue where two black men were shot and killed by police officers and the world is going crazy but this time I am looking at the situation differently. I just cannot stand for this. This whole movement thing, no matter how much people (blacks and whites) try to explain that #BLACKLIVESMATTER doesn’t discriminate against other lives and that it saying that black lives matter whenever it comes to being treated as a white male/white female would who had to deal with the law (a big focal point in the movement because blacks are discriminated against when it comes to issues concerning the law) as well as other issues whether its meaning within the work place, entertainment world, education, so on and so forth. I get that and I understand completely…BUT. Why is it fair for only these black people to be televised, uplifted, shrin-ed when blacks are killed by blacks almost daily and their mothers get NO TELEVISION PROMOTION, NO HELP, NO LOVE. It’s okay for their killers to still be out, walking around doing nothing, hiding and killing others that snitch. It is so weird like really, if you watch a couple of episodes of shows like the First 48 and how when someone in the community is shot…NO ONE COMES TOGETHER TO GIVE UP THE KILLERS NAME/NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING KILLED OR SNITCHES GET STITCHESseriously? Is a cop that easy to target in situation like this? If this hurts, well then it has to because this is not right. The killers get to walk free, both the police officers and the ones in the neighborhood and all you are left with is a bad conscience and constantly having to look over your shoulder, living in fear.

With this new issue about, once again someone (not a friend) went to their Facebook and commented saying, “they all should be shot” and her friends agreeing with her. So I should be shot. I should be shot because…this young lady and friends feel so. Okay. When I saw this I immediately thought, “this is it! we should just be separate races because I am tired of all of this nonsense…“. I mean the thought was crossing my mind wildly of how we should just go back to be segregated meaning: all black only stores and all white only stores, all black only churches and all white only churches, all black only places to eat and all white only places to eat, all black only schools and all white only schools…black only this and white only that. I started thinking that whenever I have children that I would chose for my kids not to be able to go over to their white friend’s house’s, unlike my mother. But it came to me that I just can’t let Satan get into my mind like this because this kind of thinking is wrong. No matter if we were all segregated by race, racism and killing would STILL EXIST the problem is folks not knowing Jesus and following after their flesh rather than their spirit. I had to understand that not every white person has a hatred for all black people and if they do, if they walk around with those feelings in their hearts that is a reflection of that person and not a representation of every white person.

God Can’t Fail and black people WERE NOT A MISTAKE NO MATTER HOW MUCH PEOPLE TRY TO IMPLY THAT WE ARE, we are a people just like all races. We have flaws, are very talented, love to laugh and be creative, can own businesses, can hold conversations and enjoy life just like any other race out here. The only side that I am choosing here is Jesus. I no longer want to keep in my heart as I was told many times by black people that, “white people hate us” well if they is true, then they have to answer to Christ. I wake up every morning without of fear of any races because I know who I am and I know that we are all flawed from inside out. We all have things that shape us to be, well us. We are all unique and maybe if many of you stopped spending so much time on how you can look like this girl or be as handsome as that guy, you would realize this too. I feel like we all would be accepted if we didn’t have to deal with that one standard of beauty and unfortunately that too bigs up white women and white men. I really pray that we ALL can find peace and learn to live with one another instead of causing each other hurt and pain. My condolences goes to the family in Louisiana, Minnesota and those in Dallas. If many of you choose to not wake up and see the truth then you will be forever lost in hatred, misery, pain and terror. We need to work on coming together to fight evil and not each other, see you later.

It ain’t enough hours in the day…

Ughhh. I remember a while back I was going to write this amazing post about how you could be expecting big things for July and the sites…well. What happened? I am not sure, I’m lying but yeah I am not sure. I mentally planned this out but nothing came to plans (rather than say past). I am kind of jumbled up right now and money is pretty tight but I am still going to be working on that thing that I originally said that I was. Maybe now I will be able to find a better route with managing time…I hope. Or else you’ll have to endure another sappy explanation post as to why I didn’t do what I was supposed to…oops. I guess there is not enough hours in the day, to do it all…it ain’t enough. PEACE

A bitter weight loss?

Oh no. For some time now I have been thinking about losing weight but I kept going back and forth with myself. The yes’s and no’s paused and interrupted me in the middle of many prayers about this and other things. At one point before this, I was so miserable in the simple thought of losing weight but why? I guess that I had it in my mind that I could stay this way and just improve myself, you know with wearing makeup and taking better care of my outer appearance. But once those feelings faded I was back to looking like the same old me, looking fat and I guess sloppy. Ever since I was younger I’ve dealt with my weight being an issue and had many low key disses towards me about it too. But because I am who I am, I pretended like I didn’t catch it and moved on…what was I supposed to do, fight them? I went to God for strength with dealing with the hurt and with that didn’t work, I went to food and isolation which resulted in making the situation worse. I remember being in elementary, middle and high school and almost wanting to die because I hated being noticed and I hated being without my jacket. There were times when I would stare in the mirror and cry. When I got of age, I bought some weight loss pills and I abused them shoving two in my mouth to get some results. I did do some working out so I started to slim down but I had my periods of weight loss followed by weird weight gain. For whatever reason you chose not to believe me because I am overweight then okay but while going through high school, I wasn’t eating everyday like one should sometimes no meals. I ate at school and at home got it was whatever my mom could afford and one of those things was iced tea with sugar. I drank that almost religiously; I loved it.

With me just drinking that, I never hungered badly and lost the appetite for food. Really, I think I even ate the school food because it was just something routine to do. Now we weren’t starving but there were times of a shortages and drought seasons. Now it is easy for me to have a drink fill me up or for a snack because of this. But this whole process of losing weight is a scary one. When I grew older, it was like my body started shaping itself strangely and I wasn’t sure what was what. Researching things, I came to the conclusion that many black women were shaped this so what did that mean? I needed to figure out how to make it…me work but I never liked the idea of that. I was never “thick” but “fat” and there were so many girls around me that prided themselves in their classification of “thick“…but they were indeed “fat” and I never understood that. After a tough stage of being nagged about my weight, which these seasons come and go so I am most likely due for another one soon, I came to the conclusion that this was enough. I was angry but I couldn’t be angry with those mentioning my weight because they didn’t make me fat. It was a weird feeling of hurt because I wanted to be angry but I kept reminding myself that everyone was right and that I couldn’t get mad so I got sad but I didn’t pig out on food this time. Rather yet…I got a membership to a gym and started taking time to go to the park to workout.

I’ve cried many nights about this decision because part of me feels like I am just doing this to shut people up instead of it being a positive thing for myself. Okay let me be honest, %1000 of me feels like this movement is for everyone else so that’s why I am moving slowly on it. And also like I mentioned my brain is wrapped around, “well once I lose weight, I’ll be able to get any guy’s attention…” and also on the fact that, “I want a guy to like me like I am…” and then there’s, “but will I be killing myself to lose weight once I get into a relationship?…“. So I’ve been driving myself insane thinking about this. Losing weight should never be so shameful but for me it is because I am not sure what is going to hurt worse, staying this size or losing weight. I feel like I might be resentful and more angry towards guys trying to talk to me, and I already made up in my mind that I am going to tell them no and just be single and skinny but the more logical part of me tells me that attitude won’t solve anything. I haven’t made changes to anything or everything just yet. I am working on making a schedule that works for me because I already started being apps and workout equipment like the gimmick that I never wanted to be involved in. If you read this and tell me that I need to love myself, truth is I already did. I was happy with me but being happy with myself will never stop the comments and embarrassing conversations in public about my weight. I can no longer bring tears to the table when it comes to this issue, but I know that something isn’t sitting well in my heart concerning this and I just can’t figure out whatever it is. Hmm.