What really matters…

I don’t think that I have it in me to just be like, “the world (white people, all races) hates us and this is just the way that it is…” but can I say that this issue has been on my heart since things got crazy with Trayvon Martin and his case. I remember checking my Facebook when the whole Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman issue first came about. I had someone who I considered close to me post some very disturbing things in defense of George Zimmerman and one of the things she said was that she was glad that Trayvon Martin was dead. I was pretty upset and I didn’t understand why she would say something like that because no matter what the issue was I just didn’t feel like George Zimmerman was right. Once all the evidence came out, it surely indicated that George Zimmerman was in the wrong but the jury felt other wise. With having seen the stomach turning posts about how George Zimmerman was right and those who supported him, I just went idle from social media for a bit. I couldn’t believe it and really I couldn’t believe this stuff was coming from people that whose house I used to spend the night at while in school. I remember the first time a friend asked if I could spend the night and how hesitant my mother was. She was afraid of something but as a child I didn’t really know why or understood her fear, or if it was even a fear.

When she finally gave in and let me go and spend the night over at a friend’s house I was happy. Even at a young age, white children said things to me that I could only keep in my heart and not act upon because I didn’t understand them. I still played with them, laughed with them…we were friends. I grew up having to deal with them saying out of line comments towards black people and thinking that just because I was black that meant I knew everything well, black. I put up with a lot of stupidity, on my own fault entertained a lot of foolishness and never once did I lash out because I couldn’t. That and everyone felt the same way so I was outnumbered. There were many times when I hated going to an predominately white school because I felt so out of place and as if I had to believe their backwards ways. Relationship mixing with BLACKS was a huge no no for them all but other races were okay…??. Pre-martial sex was okay, having children out of wedlock, homosexuality, drinking, alcohol, all sin…just don’t date a black person. I had to come to terms with this because it never made sense why they deemed us this picture of ultimate sin up against that other stuff or other races…but I grew up and let it be. I befriended many on Facebook throughout my high school years, regardless of any of that stuff, I let it go.

But then President Obama had won the 2008 election and was about to enter into the White House. As we remember this generated a mass hysteria between blacks and whites, and like wise some high school classmates said some terrible things and I was hurt. I didn’t understand their dislike for him other than his race because it was mentioned in just about all the negative comments towards him…but I let it go and if it was too much then I deleted. I had my doubts with white people and everything that I have been hearing since I was a child was coming to pass…that white people are afraid of us and these simple actions were proving this fact. I kept this in my heart but left the issue alone because what could I do? It’s not like I can cure them from that fear that they had so yeah. Likewise, I watched and read comments against Trayvon Martin and those murder cases that followed and I just started to develop a dislike and fear towards white people because it was all too much.

I was working at Albertson’s around the time Mike Brown was shot down by a police officer and at work while the trial was being held. I was on my break and in the car listening to a black Christian news channel and they were reporting how the jury ruled in Darren Wilson’s favor…I felt so eerie, sick and confused. Not because of the event but because there was something in me that was telling me that things would get worse between black people and white people. I was afraid. At this point, I really felt like I should just stop having anything to do with white people because it always ends in something bad. I went back in to get on the cash register and the first customer that I had was a white man. I made very little eye contact with him but still kept the peace and when I finished up the transaction I looked up at him and he gave me a smile. After hearing that radio broadcast, I wasn’t sure if I should return the favor but I did and the fear remained the same.

So fast forward to now with having all the issues come about with blacks verses the police, #BLACKLIVESMATTER, “hands up don’t shoot” and other things I came to the conclusion that many of us…WERE REACHING to heights that should have never been reached. I understand that must be the most horrible thing to have ever witnessed, your love one being killed, but was it so hurtful because it was a cop or because they died? I guess during this time where I felt like I should distance myself away from white people because they hated us for no reason, God showed me some things and most of that was how both sides…WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG. I do not understand how you can justify killing someone just to do so and in many cases that is what happened, other cases that is NOT what happened. I am guessing that police officers are trained to shoot you if you do not listen to them and continue to fight them and struggle with them, I don’t know it may be classified as failure to cooperate but shooting them dead is the punishment?? I must say this, that if you find yourself in a situation like this to NOT FIGHT WITH THE POLICE AND TO DO AS YOU ARE TOLD regardless if you feel like they are not treating you right please, do not resist but back to the point I am getting at.

And currently we have another issue where two black men were shot and killed by police officers and the world is going crazy but this time I am looking at the situation differently. I just cannot stand for this. This whole movement thing, no matter how much people (blacks and whites) try to explain that #BLACKLIVESMATTER doesn’t discriminate against other lives and that it saying that black lives matter whenever it comes to being treated as a white male/white female would who had to deal with the law (a big focal point in the movement because blacks are discriminated against when it comes to issues concerning the law) as well as other issues whether its meaning within the work place, entertainment world, education, so on and so forth. I get that and I understand completely…BUT. Why is it fair for only these black people to be televised, uplifted, shrin-ed when blacks are killed by blacks almost daily and their mothers get NO TELEVISION PROMOTION, NO HELP, NO LOVE. It’s okay for their killers to still be out, walking around doing nothing, hiding and killing others that snitch. It is so weird like really, if you watch a couple of episodes of shows like the First 48 and how when someone in the community is shot…NO ONE COMES TOGETHER TO GIVE UP THE KILLERS NAME/NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING KILLED OR SNITCHES GET STITCHESseriously? Is a cop that easy to target in situation like this? If this hurts, well then it has to because this is not right. The killers get to walk free, both the police officers and the ones in the neighborhood and all you are left with is a bad conscience and constantly having to look over your shoulder, living in fear.

With this new issue about, once again someone (not a friend) went to their Facebook and commented saying, “they all should be shot” and her friends agreeing with her. So I should be shot. I should be shot because…this young lady and friends feel so. Okay. When I saw this I immediately thought, “this is it! we should just be separate races because I am tired of all of this nonsense…“. I mean the thought was crossing my mind wildly of how we should just go back to be segregated meaning: all black only stores and all white only stores, all black only churches and all white only churches, all black only places to eat and all white only places to eat, all black only schools and all white only schools…black only this and white only that. I started thinking that whenever I have children that I would chose for my kids not to be able to go over to their white friend’s house’s, unlike my mother. But it came to me that I just can’t let Satan get into my mind like this because this kind of thinking is wrong. No matter if we were all segregated by race, racism and killing would STILL EXIST the problem is folks not knowing Jesus and following after their flesh rather than their spirit. I had to understand that not every white person has a hatred for all black people and if they do, if they walk around with those feelings in their hearts that is a reflection of that person and not a representation of every white person.

God Can’t Fail and black people WERE NOT A MISTAKE NO MATTER HOW MUCH PEOPLE TRY TO IMPLY THAT WE ARE, we are a people just like all races. We have flaws, are very talented, love to laugh and be creative, can own businesses, can hold conversations and enjoy life just like any other race out here. The only side that I am choosing here is Jesus. I no longer want to keep in my heart as I was told many times by black people that, “white people hate us” well if they is true, then they have to answer to Christ. I wake up every morning without of fear of any races because I know who I am and I know that we are all flawed from inside out. We all have things that shape us to be, well us. We are all unique and maybe if many of you stopped spending so much time on how you can look like this girl or be as handsome as that guy, you would realize this too. I feel like we all would be accepted if we didn’t have to deal with that one standard of beauty and unfortunately that too bigs up white women and white men. I really pray that we ALL can find peace and learn to live with one another instead of causing each other hurt and pain. My condolences goes to the family in Louisiana, Minnesota and those in Dallas. If many of you choose to not wake up and see the truth then you will be forever lost in hatred, misery, pain and terror. We need to work on coming together to fight evil and not each other, see you later.

It ain’t enough hours in the day…

Ughhh. I remember a while back I was going to write this amazing post about how you could be expecting big things for July and the sites…well. What happened? I am not sure, I’m lying but yeah I am not sure. I mentally planned this out but nothing came to plans (rather than say past). I am kind of jumbled up right now and money is pretty tight but I am still going to be working on that thing that I originally said that I was. Maybe now I will be able to find a better route with managing time…I hope. Or else you’ll have to endure another sappy explanation post as to why I didn’t do what I was supposed to…oops. I guess there is not enough hours in the day, to do it all…it ain’t enough. PEACE

A bitter weight loss?

Oh no. For some time now I have been thinking about losing weight but I kept going back and forth with myself. The yes’s and no’s paused and interrupted me in the middle of many prayers about this and other things. At one point before this, I was so miserable in the simple thought of losing weight but why? I guess that I had it in my mind that I could stay this way and just improve myself, you know with wearing makeup and taking better care of my outer appearance. But once those feelings faded I was back to looking like the same old me, looking fat and I guess sloppy. Ever since I was younger I’ve dealt with my weight being an issue and had many low key disses towards me about it too. But because I am who I am, I pretended like I didn’t catch it and moved on…what was I supposed to do, fight them? I went to God for strength with dealing with the hurt and with that didn’t work, I went to food and isolation which resulted in making the situation worse. I remember being in elementary, middle and high school and almost wanting to die because I hated being noticed and I hated being without my jacket. There were times when I would stare in the mirror and cry. When I got of age, I bought some weight loss pills and I abused them shoving two in my mouth to get some results. I did do some working out so I started to slim down but I had my periods of weight loss followed by weird weight gain. For whatever reason you chose not to believe me because I am overweight then okay but while going through high school, I wasn’t eating everyday like one should sometimes no meals. I ate at school and at home got it was whatever my mom could afford and one of those things was iced tea with sugar. I drank that almost religiously; I loved it.

With me just drinking that, I never hungered badly and lost the appetite for food. Really, I think I even ate the school food because it was just something routine to do. Now we weren’t starving but there were times of a shortages and drought seasons. Now it is easy for me to have a drink fill me up or for a snack because of this. But this whole process of losing weight is a scary one. When I grew older, it was like my body started shaping itself strangely and I wasn’t sure what was what. Researching things, I came to the conclusion that many black women were shaped this so what did that mean? I needed to figure out how to make it…me work but I never liked the idea of that. I was never “thick” but “fat” and there were so many girls around me that prided themselves in their classification of “thick“…but they were indeed “fat” and I never understood that. After a tough stage of being nagged about my weight, which these seasons come and go so I am most likely due for another one soon, I came to the conclusion that this was enough. I was angry but I couldn’t be angry with those mentioning my weight because they didn’t make me fat. It was a weird feeling of hurt because I wanted to be angry but I kept reminding myself that everyone was right and that I couldn’t get mad so I got sad but I didn’t pig out on food this time. Rather yet…I got a membership to a gym and started taking time to go to the park to workout.

I’ve cried many nights about this decision because part of me feels like I am just doing this to shut people up instead of it being a positive thing for myself. Okay let me be honest, %1000 of me feels like this movement is for everyone else so that’s why I am moving slowly on it. And also like I mentioned my brain is wrapped around, “well once I lose weight, I’ll be able to get any guy’s attention…” and also on the fact that, “I want a guy to like me like I am…” and then there’s, “but will I be killing myself to lose weight once I get into a relationship?…“. So I’ve been driving myself insane thinking about this. Losing weight should never be so shameful but for me it is because I am not sure what is going to hurt worse, staying this size or losing weight. I feel like I might be resentful and more angry towards guys trying to talk to me, and I already made up in my mind that I am going to tell them no and just be single and skinny but the more logical part of me tells me that attitude won’t solve anything. I haven’t made changes to anything or everything just yet. I am working on making a schedule that works for me because I already started being apps and workout equipment like the gimmick that I never wanted to be involved in. If you read this and tell me that I need to love myself, truth is I already did. I was happy with me but being happy with myself will never stop the comments and embarrassing conversations in public about my weight. I can no longer bring tears to the table when it comes to this issue, but I know that something isn’t sitting well in my heart concerning this and I just can’t figure out whatever it is. Hmm.

My College Daze: To be continued?

I have had more than enough time to sit out and think about what I wanted and where I was going. I got to say though, I have pushed back the thought of finishing college so many times because I felt comfortable in my situation. I figured, “well hey I don’t have any kids, no real responsibilities so I should be fine…” but the one thing kept coming into my mind. I wanted a house of my own, a car, and more money from the job that I had and nothing was ever seeming like it would notice me to get me where I needed to go. And how could it? Everything that was available I didn’t qualify for it so I kept thinking that my current situation was okay because there was no way out. I thought that I shouldn’t want for more but once I got deeper into the current job I started waking up from this daze. And it’s weird because I figured it was dealing with the people that would make me crack but it wasn’t, it was the money. Let me say this, and I thank God for allowing others to show me the truth, that no matter how high up you are or how low you stand the people and dealing with them will ALWAYS BE THE SAME OUTLOOK. Some people are so miserable with great paying jobs just as those are with not so great paying jobs but can I really say that this is sad?

You would think that they wouldn’t have problems and would at least be happier than what they are but then again look at the attitudes of those with not so great paying jobs and how they come off to people. I think it is time for us to drop the, “those who have less are more grateful” act because this is not always true. I am an example of that. I remember not having that much so whenever I was blessed with a job, I became very stingy with my money and food. Always making sure that I had something and never really wanting to share. Fast food was a luxury and I would spend (and still do) big bucks on fast food because I could (can now) afford it and it’s costing me financially and health wise. It is almost an addition to spend money on food rather than to buy something to make a meal for everyone. I just have to spend that dollar and it is almost as if I am trying to ensure that no one will ask for that same dollar from me; don’t ask me for money. Coming from the situation of not having money and now having money has made me pretty heartless at times. I hate sharing, don’t ask me for NOTHING and I just want to have my money and spend it too. I guess I am crazy but I have been burned so many times by others behind money and them thinking it was okay to get me to pay for things that they didn’t want to pay for (or couldn’t because they didn’t want to get their own money by choice). Or them saying things like, “you got money…” but yet I am living check to check.

When I first got this job, I started knocking down petty bills that I had that went into collections. And ugh did they use to bother me about this one and that one with phone calls and letters in the mail. Now that they are all paid off, they can’t even send me a, “thank you” for doing so and they surely made no efforts in taking them off of my credit report (which I am just now finding this out being that I spoke with them about it after it was made official but I got attitudes from one and a promise that it would be taken care of from another). If I take the time to look at my spending, which I have been trying to do my best to track, I can see where I am forking out the most and it is still on bills and fast foods. I am subscribed to things that I shouldn’t be and I am not using the most important subscriptions that I have and that is not good. Every time I try to slow down and make a list of everything that I am spending on I get upset, close the laptop and go to sleep. I am not sure, if you space your bills out then you should be fine living paycheck to paycheck with some extra cushion in the bank but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t always use more. So with that said, yeah money plays a HUGE part in wanting to finish college and get into a better paying career. That and the fact that I miss that interaction that I got in all of my other jobs, which were all in retail. I miss talking to people and that’s weird because I am generally quiet unless you bother me but after all those years of having to do it I got used to speaking to people more and more. Until now, I never realized how much of a luxury a simple piece of paper with your name and a seal stamp indicating that you completed so many years in this field or that field could keep you from getting X-amount more in dollars. Man, and that piece of paper also lets others know if you are qualified or not…NO MATTER WHAT DEGREE YOU HAVE. You could be a Biology major working in a classroom or a English major working in a plant…okay some of those are off but you get what I am saying right. It’s finally time to turn My College Daze into My College Days, because I’m woke now and I am ready to start trying again. See you all soon.

With heartaches and heartbreaks…

This week has been a trying one for myself. For whatever reason, I had days where I kept the worse feeling as if something bad were going to happen or that I was going to receive some bad or upsetting news. I couldn’t place it and whenever I get these feelings it’s like I am receiving the most shocking or embarrassing news which results in an unusual uncomfortable high. I start feeling nervous because I don’t know what to stop in order to stop whatever event that is going to occur from happening. My heart is uncontrollable weak; I can’t concentrate on anything happy without it being fake feelings and then going back to feeling nervous again. I have silent panic attacks, I freak out quietly but I know that I can’t make a scene because that will make it worse. I can’t calm down from the high and I am often led to cry in attempts to release the built up tension and stress. I become so uncomfortable and I just want to run away and disappear, and no one on Earth can ever make me feel better. I just deal with it. Whenever I have moments like this, I just deal with it. I never know what triggers them but whenever they come I usually go all the way down with them.

However, whenever the feeling of terror came upon me this time…I kept bypassing it with Jesus. It all started Monday when I received some great news in regards to good work paying off but then later things trickled down. Before the news came in, I was blessed with a bracelet band that reads, “God Can’t Fail” and after receiving it on that day I just couldn’t help but to smile so much. I was so blessed; I am so blessed and to be granted some encouraging words from just telling someone that I liked their bracelet made me feel so strong and mighty in God. After that I received a blow to the chest some hours later with some unexpected news, I cried about it but I managed to looked down at my bracelet to remember that this would/is something temporary and it would be okay. The next night I received some expected news and once again I cried about it and simply said that it wasn’t mine if I couldn’t get it, said my prayers and went to sleep with a heavy heart. I was pretty distraught but I wasn’t down and I wasn’t out. I just kept asking God to please remove the feelings and pain away from my heart, since I was the only one being hurt in this situation and for strength to let it.

Though I felt like I was doing a good job of letting these failures lay to rest, it didn’t stop the feelings from rearing their ugly head upon my thoughts. I had to keep reminding myself that I truly didn’t do anything wrong and that I really didn’t want to make this pain a big issue; I wanted to move on and was ready to do so. There are times now that I think about the news and I get so sad but I know that this is the time for me to be SERIOUS about EVERYTHING that I kept saying that I was going to do. My thoughts aren’t 100% clear but they are clear enough to remind me that I never want to feel this kind of hurt again and that I am willing to do what ever it takes to make the pain a forgotten memory. I am willing to stay up late and lose sleep just to make sure that I complete something. I am willing to spend time and time and time on something if I don’t get it. I am willing to…sacrifice what I thought that I wanted for the time needed to focus on something bigger and better. I am ready to stop double questioning myself, “should I?” and triple answering with, “no, not yet.“. I am ready to silence my fears. I am ready to grow. I am ready to learn. So even with heartaches and heartbreaks, I am ready for whatever God has for me and with this I know that, “God Can’t Fail” and that is so powerful to me. Be blessed.