And everyone hated me.

Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.

The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.

Ungratefulness.

And dealing with it. So. Umm lately I have been dealing with some people that don’t really seem too happy about the things that I’ve done for them or gifts given and one thing is for sure when this feeling comes to you it sucks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I was just didn’t worry about it but I am so used to this kind of stuff happening to me and it hurts. I don’t know what makes some people think that they need to be everyone’s priority or that I should have done what I did. And then in one case I felt some weird vibes from someone and for some reason I just had it on my mind that they really didn’t like the gift that I got for them. I can understand this. Maybe I should have asked if they would like what I was going to give to them, you know thinking that we were on same level so since this was a fact that they would like what I liked but I guess not huh. I guess a bad gift can really cause people to ignore you and throw shade but was it that serious? If I did something for you it came from the heart and because I care about you but nowadays people focus so much on whether or not you have a good job to ensure that this person will bring you a great gift.

This same reason is why the holidays are meaningless now because everyone wants expensive gifts instead of those two things you will never be able to buy, LOVE and TIME. I enjoy spending the holidays with my family but I remember there being times around Christmas when some were annoyed with whatever on that day. I was like, “oh my, are you serious?! God woke you up this morning, be thankful!“. Now I think it may be better to start spending the holidays alone, where I can enjoy my own company. To me, it isn’t about gift giving or just coming together to eat but the time that we spend together is always awesome to me; I love it. Even if many people were making $1,000,000 dollars a day, how much you want to bet they will still be plum miserable. I guess this is just going to be one of my rants for the day though. Like I said, things like that upset me because I know that I put a lot of thought into many things that I do for people but I also know I got to keep kicking. Experiences like the ones I’ve gotten make you open your eyes and hope and pray that you didn’t treat someone else with ungratefulness too. You must always be careful not to do what was wrongfully done to you unto others as well.

What really matters…

I don’t think that I have it in me to just be like, “the world (white people, all races) hates us and this is just the way that it is…” but can I say that this issue has been on my heart since things got crazy with Trayvon Martin and his case. I remember checking my Facebook when the whole Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman issue first came about. I had someone who I considered close to me post some very disturbing things in defense of George Zimmerman and one of the things she said was that she was glad that Trayvon Martin was dead. I was pretty upset and I didn’t understand why she would say something like that because no matter what the issue was I just didn’t feel like George Zimmerman was right. Once all the evidence came out, it surely indicated that George Zimmerman was in the wrong but the jury felt other wise. With having seen the stomach turning posts about how George Zimmerman was right and those who supported him, I just went idle from social media for a bit. I couldn’t believe it and really I couldn’t believe this stuff was coming from people that whose house I used to spend the night at while in school. I remember the first time a friend asked if I could spend the night and how hesitant my mother was. She was afraid of something but as a child I didn’t really know why or understood her fear, or if it was even a fear.

When she finally gave in and let me go and spend the night over at a friend’s house I was happy. Even at a young age, white children said things to me that I could only keep in my heart and not act upon because I didn’t understand them. I still played with them, laughed with them…we were friends. I grew up having to deal with them saying out of line comments towards black people and thinking that just because I was black that meant I knew everything well, black. I put up with a lot of stupidity, on my own fault entertained a lot of foolishness and never once did I lash out because I couldn’t. That and everyone felt the same way so I was outnumbered. There were many times when I hated going to an predominately white school because I felt so out of place and as if I had to believe their backwards ways. Relationship mixing with BLACKS was a huge no no for them all but other races were okay…??. Pre-martial sex was okay, having children out of wedlock, homosexuality, drinking, alcohol, all sin…just don’t date a black person. I had to come to terms with this because it never made sense why they deemed us this picture of ultimate sin up against that other stuff or other races…but I grew up and let it be. I befriended many on Facebook throughout my high school years, regardless of any of that stuff, I let it go.

But then President Obama had won the 2008 election and was about to enter into the White House. As we remember this generated a mass hysteria between blacks and whites, and like wise some high school classmates said some terrible things and I was hurt. I didn’t understand their dislike for him other than his race because it was mentioned in just about all the negative comments towards him…but I let it go and if it was too much then I deleted. I had my doubts with white people and everything that I have been hearing since I was a child was coming to pass…that white people are afraid of us and these simple actions were proving this fact. I kept this in my heart but left the issue alone because what could I do? It’s not like I can cure them from that fear that they had so yeah. Likewise, I watched and read comments against Trayvon Martin and those murder cases that followed and I just started to develop a dislike and fear towards white people because it was all too much.

I was working at Albertson’s around the time Mike Brown was shot down by a police officer and at work while the trial was being held. I was on my break and in the car listening to a black Christian news channel and they were reporting how the jury ruled in Darren Wilson’s favor…I felt so eerie, sick and confused. Not because of the event but because there was something in me that was telling me that things would get worse between black people and white people. I was afraid. At this point, I really felt like I should just stop having anything to do with white people because it always ends in something bad. I went back in to get on the cash register and the first customer that I had was a white man. I made very little eye contact with him but still kept the peace and when I finished up the transaction I looked up at him and he gave me a smile. After hearing that radio broadcast, I wasn’t sure if I should return the favor but I did and the fear remained the same.

So fast forward to now with having all the issues come about with blacks verses the police, #BLACKLIVESMATTER, “hands up don’t shoot” and other things I came to the conclusion that many of us…WERE REACHING to heights that should have never been reached. I understand that must be the most horrible thing to have ever witnessed, your love one being killed, but was it so hurtful because it was a cop or because they died? I guess during this time where I felt like I should distance myself away from white people because they hated us for no reason, God showed me some things and most of that was how both sides…WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG. I do not understand how you can justify killing someone just to do so and in many cases that is what happened, other cases that is NOT what happened. I am guessing that police officers are trained to shoot you if you do not listen to them and continue to fight them and struggle with them, I don’t know it may be classified as failure to cooperate but shooting them dead is the punishment?? I must say this, that if you find yourself in a situation like this to NOT FIGHT WITH THE POLICE AND TO DO AS YOU ARE TOLD regardless if you feel like they are not treating you right please, do not resist but back to the point I am getting at.

And currently we have another issue where two black men were shot and killed by police officers and the world is going crazy but this time I am looking at the situation differently. I just cannot stand for this. This whole movement thing, no matter how much people (blacks and whites) try to explain that #BLACKLIVESMATTER doesn’t discriminate against other lives and that it saying that black lives matter whenever it comes to being treated as a white male/white female would who had to deal with the law (a big focal point in the movement because blacks are discriminated against when it comes to issues concerning the law) as well as other issues whether its meaning within the work place, entertainment world, education, so on and so forth. I get that and I understand completely…BUT. Why is it fair for only these black people to be televised, uplifted, shrin-ed when blacks are killed by blacks almost daily and their mothers get NO TELEVISION PROMOTION, NO HELP, NO LOVE. It’s okay for their killers to still be out, walking around doing nothing, hiding and killing others that snitch. It is so weird like really, if you watch a couple of episodes of shows like the First 48 and how when someone in the community is shot…NO ONE COMES TOGETHER TO GIVE UP THE KILLERS NAME/NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING KILLED OR SNITCHES GET STITCHESseriously? Is a cop that easy to target in situation like this? If this hurts, well then it has to because this is not right. The killers get to walk free, both the police officers and the ones in the neighborhood and all you are left with is a bad conscience and constantly having to look over your shoulder, living in fear.

With this new issue about, once again someone (not a friend) went to their Facebook and commented saying, “they all should be shot” and her friends agreeing with her. So I should be shot. I should be shot because…this young lady and friends feel so. Okay. When I saw this I immediately thought, “this is it! we should just be separate races because I am tired of all of this nonsense…“. I mean the thought was crossing my mind wildly of how we should just go back to be segregated meaning: all black only stores and all white only stores, all black only churches and all white only churches, all black only places to eat and all white only places to eat, all black only schools and all white only schools…black only this and white only that. I started thinking that whenever I have children that I would chose for my kids not to be able to go over to their white friend’s house’s, unlike my mother. But it came to me that I just can’t let Satan get into my mind like this because this kind of thinking is wrong. No matter if we were all segregated by race, racism and killing would STILL EXIST the problem is folks not knowing Jesus and following after their flesh rather than their spirit. I had to understand that not every white person has a hatred for all black people and if they do, if they walk around with those feelings in their hearts that is a reflection of that person and not a representation of every white person.

God Can’t Fail and black people WERE NOT A MISTAKE NO MATTER HOW MUCH PEOPLE TRY TO IMPLY THAT WE ARE, we are a people just like all races. We have flaws, are very talented, love to laugh and be creative, can own businesses, can hold conversations and enjoy life just like any other race out here. The only side that I am choosing here is Jesus. I no longer want to keep in my heart as I was told many times by black people that, “white people hate us” well if they is true, then they have to answer to Christ. I wake up every morning without of fear of any races because I know who I am and I know that we are all flawed from inside out. We all have things that shape us to be, well us. We are all unique and maybe if many of you stopped spending so much time on how you can look like this girl or be as handsome as that guy, you would realize this too. I feel like we all would be accepted if we didn’t have to deal with that one standard of beauty and unfortunately that too bigs up white women and white men. I really pray that we ALL can find peace and learn to live with one another instead of causing each other hurt and pain. My condolences goes to the family in Louisiana, Minnesota and those in Dallas. If many of you choose to not wake up and see the truth then you will be forever lost in hatred, misery, pain and terror. We need to work on coming together to fight evil and not each other, see you later.

With heartaches and heartbreaks…

This week has been a trying one for myself. For whatever reason, I had days where I kept the worse feeling as if something bad were going to happen or that I was going to receive some bad or upsetting news. I couldn’t place it and whenever I get these feelings it’s like I am receiving the most shocking or embarrassing news which results in an unusual uncomfortable high. I start feeling nervous because I don’t know what to stop in order to stop whatever event that is going to occur from happening. My heart is uncontrollable weak; I can’t concentrate on anything happy without it being fake feelings and then going back to feeling nervous again. I have silent panic attacks, I freak out quietly but I know that I can’t make a scene because that will make it worse. I can’t calm down from the high and I am often led to cry in attempts to release the built up tension and stress. I become so uncomfortable and I just want to run away and disappear, and no one on Earth can ever make me feel better. I just deal with it. Whenever I have moments like this, I just deal with it. I never know what triggers them but whenever they come I usually go all the way down with them.

However, whenever the feeling of terror came upon me this time…I kept bypassing it with Jesus. It all started Monday when I received some great news in regards to good work paying off but then later things trickled down. Before the news came in, I was blessed with a bracelet band that reads, “God Can’t Fail” and after receiving it on that day I just couldn’t help but to smile so much. I was so blessed; I am so blessed and to be granted some encouraging words from just telling someone that I liked their bracelet made me feel so strong and mighty in God. After that I received a blow to the chest some hours later with some unexpected news, I cried about it but I managed to looked down at my bracelet to remember that this would/is something temporary and it would be okay. The next night I received some expected news and once again I cried about it and simply said that it wasn’t mine if I couldn’t get it, said my prayers and went to sleep with a heavy heart. I was pretty distraught but I wasn’t down and I wasn’t out. I just kept asking God to please remove the feelings and pain away from my heart, since I was the only one being hurt in this situation and for strength to let it.

Though I felt like I was doing a good job of letting these failures lay to rest, it didn’t stop the feelings from rearing their ugly head upon my thoughts. I had to keep reminding myself that I truly didn’t do anything wrong and that I really didn’t want to make this pain a big issue; I wanted to move on and was ready to do so. There are times now that I think about the news and I get so sad but I know that this is the time for me to be SERIOUS about EVERYTHING that I kept saying that I was going to do. My thoughts aren’t 100% clear but they are clear enough to remind me that I never want to feel this kind of hurt again and that I am willing to do what ever it takes to make the pain a forgotten memory. I am willing to stay up late and lose sleep just to make sure that I complete something. I am willing to spend time and time and time on something if I don’t get it. I am willing to…sacrifice what I thought that I wanted for the time needed to focus on something bigger and better. I am ready to stop double questioning myself, “should I?” and triple answering with, “no, not yet.“. I am ready to silence my fears. I am ready to grow. I am ready to learn. So even with heartaches and heartbreaks, I am ready for whatever God has for me and with this I know that, “God Can’t Fail” and that is so powerful to me. Be blessed.

Under the impression…

Have you ever been so convinced that things would go one way and they end up going in a completely different direction? I mean you planned this, “thing” out to the T making sure that you didn’t mess anything, NOT A SIMPLE BEAT but then things disintegrate right before your eyes. I have been dealing with little upsets like this and the only thing that I can do it just to keep going. I know its been a while since I been on here and I probably didn’t mention that I was blessed with a car, that has been turning into a bit of a headache for me. And it is weird how you hear stories about those who received free cars and the struggles that they had with them. I figured I would have caught a break being that this is my very first car and I waited so long, so many rejections and tears from car places, and out of the blue I finally got one. Man. I guess I was just under the impression that things would be different for me, you know still a struggle but minor things and not dealing with huge bank drainers like I am now. I get money but then after it evaporates and to where I am not sure. I see where I am over spending and I see where I don’t need for the things that I think I need. Hmm. I have the tendency to spend money on food even when I am not hungry, it’s just a weird thing that I do but things are changing for me so I have to stop. As of now, I am in a tough spot because I am tied down to so many obligations that it seems like I can’t make them happen now…yikes. I am so stuck, I don’t think I can even see about going back to school because I want to see about getting a second job to pick up some extra cash. If I see this car is just too much to fix, then I have to get another one meaning I am going to need more money to do so. I am not going to have time for school, once again. I was under the impression that this little car would be able to get me back and forth for school so that I wouldn’t have to worry about an extra expense…but I guess I was wrong. Uhm. I still have some time before making a decision about this car and our future together. I didn’t want to let her go like that but she’s getting a little out of hand. I am just blessed that I got her and we made it this far. It will work out. Even though I cried, frowned and cried some more I believe that it will work out. I do.