I don’t think that I have it in me to just be like, “the world (white people, all races) hates us and this is just the way that it is…” but can I say that this issue has been on my heart since things got crazy with Trayvon Martin and his case. I remember checking my Facebook when the whole Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman issue first came about. I had someone who I considered close to me post some very disturbing things in defense of George Zimmerman and one of the things she said was that she was glad that Trayvon Martin was dead. I was pretty upset and I didn’t understand why she would say something like that because no matter what the issue was I just didn’t feel like George Zimmerman was right. Once all the evidence came out, it surely indicated that George Zimmerman was in the wrong but the jury felt other wise. With having seen the stomach turning posts about how George Zimmerman was right and those who supported him, I just went idle from social media for a bit. I couldn’t believe it and really I couldn’t believe this stuff was coming from people that whose house I used to spend the night at while in school. I remember the first time a friend asked if I could spend the night and how hesitant my mother was. She was afraid of something but as a child I didn’t really know why or understood her fear, or if it was even a fear.
When she finally gave in and let me go and spend the night over at a friend’s house I was happy. Even at a young age, white children said things to me that I could only keep in my heart and not act upon because I didn’t understand them. I still played with them, laughed with them…we were friends. I grew up having to deal with them saying out of line comments towards black people and thinking that just because I was black that meant I knew everything well, black. I put up with a lot of stupidity, on my own fault entertained a lot of foolishness and never once did I lash out because I couldn’t. That and everyone felt the same way so I was outnumbered. There were many times when I hated going to an predominately white school because I felt so out of place and as if I had to believe their backwards ways. Relationship mixing with BLACKS was a huge no no for them all but other races were okay…??. Pre-martial sex was okay, having children out of wedlock, homosexuality, drinking, alcohol, all sin…just don’t date a black person. I had to come to terms with this because it never made sense why they deemed us this picture of ultimate sin up against that other stuff or other races…but I grew up and let it be. I befriended many on Facebook throughout my high school years, regardless of any of that stuff, I let it go.
But then President Obama had won the 2008 election and was about to enter into the White House. As we remember this generated a mass hysteria between blacks and whites, and like wise some high school classmates said some terrible things and I was hurt. I didn’t understand their dislike for him other than his race because it was mentioned in just about all the negative comments towards him…but I let it go and if it was too much then I deleted. I had my doubts with white people and everything that I have been hearing since I was a child was coming to pass…that white people are afraid of us and these simple actions were proving this fact. I kept this in my heart but left the issue alone because what could I do? It’s not like I can cure them from that fear that they had so yeah. Likewise, I watched and read comments against Trayvon Martin and those murder cases that followed and I just started to develop a dislike and fear towards white people because it was all too much.
I was working at Albertson’s around the time Mike Brown was shot down by a police officer and at work while the trial was being held. I was on my break and in the car listening to a black Christian news channel and they were reporting how the jury ruled in Darren Wilson’s favor…I felt so eerie, sick and confused. Not because of the event but because there was something in me that was telling me that things would get worse between black people and white people. I was afraid. At this point, I really felt like I should just stop having anything to do with white people because it always ends in something bad. I went back in to get on the cash register and the first customer that I had was a white man. I made very little eye contact with him but still kept the peace and when I finished up the transaction I looked up at him and he gave me a smile. After hearing that radio broadcast, I wasn’t sure if I should return the favor but I did and the fear remained the same.
So fast forward to now with having all the issues come about with blacks verses the police, #BLACKLIVESMATTER, “hands up don’t shoot” and other things I came to the conclusion that many of us…WERE REACHING to heights that should have never been reached. I understand that must be the most horrible thing to have ever witnessed, your love one being killed, but was it so hurtful because it was a cop or because they died? I guess during this time where I felt like I should distance myself away from white people because they hated us for no reason, God showed me some things and most of that was how both sides…WERE ABSOLUTELY WRONG. I do not understand how you can justify killing someone just to do so and in many cases that is what happened, other cases that is NOT what happened. I am guessing that police officers are trained to shoot you if you do not listen to them and continue to fight them and struggle with them, I don’t know it may be classified as failure to cooperate but shooting them dead is the punishment?? I must say this, that if you find yourself in a situation like this to NOT FIGHT WITH THE POLICE AND TO DO AS YOU ARE TOLD regardless if you feel like they are not treating you right please, do not resist but back to the point I am getting at.
And currently we have another issue where two black men were shot and killed by police officers and the world is going crazy but this time I am looking at the situation differently. I just cannot stand for this. This whole movement thing, no matter how much people (blacks and whites) try to explain that #BLACKLIVESMATTER doesn’t discriminate against other lives and that it saying that black lives matter whenever it comes to being treated as a white male/white female would who had to deal with the law (a big focal point in the movement because blacks are discriminated against when it comes to issues concerning the law) as well as other issues whether its meaning within the work place, entertainment world, education, so on and so forth. I get that and I understand completely…BUT. Why is it fair for only these black people to be televised, uplifted, shrin-ed when blacks are killed by blacks almost daily and their mothers get NO TELEVISION PROMOTION, NO HELP, NO LOVE. It’s okay for their killers to still be out, walking around doing nothing, hiding and killing others that snitch. It is so weird like really, if you watch a couple of episodes of shows like the First 48 and how when someone in the community is shot…NO ONE COMES TOGETHER TO GIVE UP THE KILLERS NAME/NAMES BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF BEING KILLED OR SNITCHES GET STITCHES…seriously? Is a cop that easy to target in situation like this? If this hurts, well then it has to because this is not right. The killers get to walk free, both the police officers and the ones in the neighborhood and all you are left with is a bad conscience and constantly having to look over your shoulder, living in fear.
With this new issue about, once again someone (not a friend) went to their Facebook and commented saying, “they all should be shot” and her friends agreeing with her. So I should be shot. I should be shot because…this young lady and friends feel so. Okay. When I saw this I immediately thought, “this is it! we should just be separate races because I am tired of all of this nonsense…“. I mean the thought was crossing my mind wildly of how we should just go back to be segregated meaning: all black only stores and all white only stores, all black only churches and all white only churches, all black only places to eat and all white only places to eat, all black only schools and all white only schools…black only this and white only that. I started thinking that whenever I have children that I would chose for my kids not to be able to go over to their white friend’s house’s, unlike my mother. But it came to me that I just can’t let Satan get into my mind like this because this kind of thinking is wrong. No matter if we were all segregated by race, racism and killing would STILL EXIST the problem is folks not knowing Jesus and following after their flesh rather than their spirit. I had to understand that not every white person has a hatred for all black people and if they do, if they walk around with those feelings in their hearts that is a reflection of that person and not a representation of every white person.
God Can’t Fail and black people WERE NOT A MISTAKE NO MATTER HOW MUCH PEOPLE TRY TO IMPLY THAT WE ARE, we are a people just like all races. We have flaws, are very talented, love to laugh and be creative, can own businesses, can hold conversations and enjoy life just like any other race out here. The only side that I am choosing here is Jesus. I no longer want to keep in my heart as I was told many times by black people that, “white people hate us” well if they is true, then they have to answer to Christ. I wake up every morning without of fear of any races because I know who I am and I know that we are all flawed from inside out. We all have things that shape us to be, well us. We are all unique and maybe if many of you stopped spending so much time on how you can look like this girl or be as handsome as that guy, you would realize this too. I feel like we all would be accepted if we didn’t have to deal with that one standard of beauty and unfortunately that too bigs up white women and white men. I really pray that we ALL can find peace and learn to live with one another instead of causing each other hurt and pain. My condolences goes to the family in Louisiana, Minnesota and those in Dallas. If many of you choose to not wake up and see the truth then you will be forever lost in hatred, misery, pain and terror. We need to work on coming together to fight evil and not each other, see you later.