My College Daze: No college degree and no money!

No college degree and no money!? Now what? Okay so like I am in a period of another self reflection trying to figure out if going back to school to finish my degree is worth it. Along with that, I am trying to figure out if I need to change my major again to something that is easier. I have been using my down time to think about how I can make college work for me. Nothing but nothing is coming to my mind. If I change my major, I am going to have to really focus hard on another major and all my credits will be lost. If I don’t change my major, I don’t think I will be able to face anymore classes within my major with much confidence. I did come up with something but I wasn’t sure if it was worth doing but the more it comes to my mind it makes sense to me. I just wish that I wouldn’t have taken so much time to figure things out for me in school because that was money wasted. But I don’t want to keep being so hard on myself about money wasted and what not, I just want to finish college with a degree of my choice. Hmm…that reminds me of something.

I there was a point where I felt like college was useless and getting a degree wasn’t in my near future because I could live without one. During my time alone in Alabama I soon discovered how hard it was just to get a job that paid well and that offered good benefits. All I had on my mind was being able to get a good full time job and saving up money for a car. If things worked out for me like this, then I wouldn’t need to go back to college to get a degree. I would be working, making good money, have a car and soon be able to make a move towards a house. Reality hit me so hard in the face when I kept getting all those rejection letters for jobs that I applied for that I think I went into a small depression. It was so unreal because the jobs that I was going for seemed like entry level jobs and were for full time but I just never met the requirements. Getting a full time job was harder than I had imagined and I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong. I started doubting me and my ability to do anything at times because I felt like finding a job shouldn’t have been that hard. Places were saying that they were hiring but kept rejecting my applications. Why was that?

Once I gave up on looking for full time jobs, I started going back to looking for part time jobs and the fact that I wanted to have two part time jobs. But sadly they too rejected my applications and I could never understand why. I kept trying at the same businesses until it was time for me to finally leave Alabama. Very distraught about the rejection letters, my mind kept venturing back to the fact that “hey maybe you should try to finish school…“. And I was like, “NO! NO! TAKE IT AWAY! TAKE IT AWAY! I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! TAKE IT AWAY!!!” (in reference to the episode with Felix the Cat in Bold King Cole in the video at the 5:00 mark LOL) because I just felt like I could seriously live off of just working a full time job or two part time jobs and take care of myself…but I was wrong. How so? There are many people who don’t have college degrees and are in very well paying careers…that’s just it. They are in CAREERS and I am in JOBS. Jobs, unfortunately do not last always or as long as you will need them to. In a job if you are not someone who is full time or calling the shots, hours get cut. If you are an hourly employee, then if time gets cut that means less money for you. I was so hurt by the truth but I kind of already knew it but I just wanted to give my wishful thinking a chance. Okay, but still now what?

My College Daze: Time to reflect…

Now that I am in a period where I can really look back and the things that happened with me in college and what went wrong, I have noticed and observed a lot about myself. The biggest mistake that I made was putting others way before myself. Though my intentions were good, I got carried away with trying to make things better for my family instead of focusing on school and homework. Ever since I was younger, I always thought about ways I could make life easier for my family and me. With doing so, I started stressing and worrying about things that a 19 year old shouldn’t. I never should have made everyone else’ financial issues my main prerogative but since it felt like no one else was doing anything then I decided to take on the challenge. I was never able to separate school and my home life and it became impossible for me to concentrate on school…so I didn’t.

Whenever I would mess up in school, I would stress. Whenever I would hear about the financial problems at home, I would stress. Whenever I thought about making a career for myself and how I could help everyone else, I would stress. Looking back, I wish I would been able to see that stressing over my situations wasn’t going to solve anything for me. To be honest if I could go back, I would have NEVER STARTED college back in 2009. Why? The reason I feel like I shouldn’t have started college then was because I had too much set on my mind to try to accomplish. I wasn’t ready to start school when I did but because of pressure about it, I figured that I should at least start now and then maybe I will eventually like it and become confident in the major I am pursuing…and this was wrong. If I had my way, I would’ve worked a few more years until I really figured out what I was interesting in doing in college. I felt like I also got carried away with keeping up with those who I graduated with. My mom told me that everyone has their own pace and that college wasn’t a race but it never helped me with feeling like I was taking too long to finish. I kept rushing it and rushing it and it ended up costing me so much, GPA wise and financially.

While in one major, I was always thinking about another major and this hurt me too. My double major was in something that was completely different from the other and it was hard to keep up with both. I realize that many students deal with the fact of not knowing what they are truly going to college for and that is COMPLETELY NORMAL. I know that people say that college is a learning experience and everyone’s experience isn’t going to be perfect. For some people, it just takes a while to get adjusted to certain places and situations. If anything, it just would have been nice to have had better confidence in a major that I was going for. This, and it would have made a difference if I really put a lot more effort than I was. With the Biology major, I learned that it takes time and sacrificing the things you want to do in order to get to where you are going especially if you are calling yourself a “medical major“. Now that I am out of school, I see it’s hard to get a full time job that pays very well unless you have that college degree…the one thing that is holding me back.

I have been thinking about my talents and hobbies trying to see if there is anything that interests me enough to major into it. I have taken so many career placement tests and they repeatedly tell me the same thing. I guess I am just being stubborn because nothing on the list is getting my attention. I could force myself to like Psychology again but it is truly heartbreaking to have to let one dream go because it just wasn’t working out to pick up another one. I guess that is life though because not everyone makes it and you just have to keep a kicking. I have been doing some research on what I could do with a Psychology degree for myself and how I could try to like it for college sake. When I think of having to like something that wasn’t intended for me, it makes me think about if finishing would be worth it since I can’t get what I want out of college. I have been dealing with these feelings a lot lately and before I make another move on school, I just want to know that it is the best option for me. College has indeed matured me a lot and I learned that I needed to put myself first before worrying about the things that I couldn’t control.

My College Daze: Are you with God or not?

I had gotten back with Christ after some time but it wasn’t a good make up story. Why? While sitting out from my Christian up bringing I noticed and observed a lot of things. I noticed mainly the hypocrisy within the Christian community and how so many were saying that they were “Christians” but living a different lifestyle. How did this have anything to do with me? Just like a child is very impressionable so was I with trying to find the point of my faith. I didn’t want to be a Christian just because my family stressed it and that was my main reason for going astray and trying to find religion on my own. But everything that I was coming to just didn’t make any sense. In college, I would come across people who said that God helped them out with so much but weren’t living a lifestyle that showed so much appreciation for what God did for them. I also came across so many people who were successful, happy and doing well in life but were non-believers of Christ. They were doing fine without religion and it was like nothing was damning them for not being a Christian. So was it possible for me too to live this lifestyle?

I wanted to. Jesus was on the back burner for me and whenever people asked if I believed in God I would say yes but would hope that they didn’t lecture me. I didn’t want to be reminded of our past. I ran into so many Christians that were “okay and content” with living a worldly lifestyle and barely sacrificed anything to live for Christ…but they made it seem like God answered everything for them. This simple fact infuriated me because I felt like I was doing my best to live a Christian lifestyle and God was not answering me for some reason. Why was there a communication block between God and me? I was making myself sick with the religion thing and I just decided to let it go and give God a break. I needed to. I went spiraling and I don’t know who caught me because I never heard the voice of God there whenever it happened. Just with that failed suicide attempt, it was me who calmed myself down and talked myself out of completing it. I often thought about how God probably viewed me and the things that I was going through. I often said that God must have been ignoring me. He was ignoring me and I wasn’t sure why either. I felt like dying was too easy to happen and so since my problems weren’t that bad I had to endure them anyway, just like everyone else.

The many times where I thought God would have shown favor in my life, He didn’t and so I quite often felt like God had failed me. I just needed to figured out, without religion being pushed on me, how God worked and my purpose for existence. Why had I survived the almost suicidal attempt? What was really my purpose and being here? I never found out and I don’t think I will but something also troubled me. I had been doing research on God, Christ and the whole “religion” thing. I remember searching “what if you feel like God has given up on you?” or something to that extent and came across a forum board. One of the comments was to just start living your life without God and to be carefree almost. Though there were other comments about how God loved us, I was more concerned with the one that said to start living your life…and that is what I was aiming for. But I did think about that dream I had about Satan having his eyes on me. If Satan was proven to be real in my dreams then God had to have been real. It wouldn’t make since that Satan could exist and that God couldn’t so therefore God had to be alive and real but it still didn’t help me feel much better. I stopped thinking so much into the whole “religion” thing and started thinking of how I could make things work, without God. Could I?

I didn’t pray for that job that I got but I got it. I never prayed about moving away to Alabama but I was able to do it. I prayed about college and nothing good ever came from it. I prayed and PRAYED about getting a car and I still haven’t managed to get one. And last but not least, I had been praying about my family and our situation since I was young child but nothing ever happened there either. When I was having issues at work, I would pray and it was like the issues would get WORSE but when I didn’t pray, everything was okay. Am I sending up gibberish to God in prayer?! What’s really going on to the point that when you pray, things get WORSE?! What!?! I just decided to just be at an agreement with God and that was I acknowledged Him and that I did love Him but from a distance. I stopped putting so much religion into everything and just stepped back from Him all together. I know that they say that you are not to be ashamed of loving Jesus but for me, it was almost like my Christianity was getting me into so much trouble. I thought about changing religions quite often but then I didn’t know if that would help me out much. I felt it would be best to hide my Christianity so that I wouldn’t draw any attention to me from any lurking demons. Yes I am Christian but please don’t bother me about what God can do for me, especially since it feels like He has truly forgotten about me…so now what?

Please leave me alone, about my hair.

Man, where can I begin? I don’t know but this may be one of those all over the place rants so please bare with me. I often get annoying comments about my hair from others but I just tend to ignore it. Sometimes I ponder over them and think about if what they told me is truth or not but then again I come to the realization that it was just hot air coming out of their mouths. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always taken pride in my hair and that being mainly because I always got compliments on it even when it was in its natural form which was either one afro puff or two. Only thing with this is…my compliments were mainly from white people who really didn’t care about the facts of being “natural” or anything like that they just liked my hair. Though many of my friends gave suggestions about straightening my hair and I let one of my friends do it about one or twice I believe I never had to worry about doing much to my hair. And since my hair gave me so much confidence of course I would be worried about my hair more than anything else with me and that’s how it has been ever since.

When I started college, I got tired of the old Jheri curl juice (mainly Care free Curl and S-Curl no drip activator and some others…) and I wanted to find something more mature to me. I knew that a lot of girls were wearing weave but wearing hair that wasn’t mine never sit too well with me. Yes, I did it for braids but not for to achieve a longer hair look. Though I will admit the girls who always had their hair done always looked so nice, I just could never find confidence in believing that hair weave would make me look better. And after playing through many of my sister’s wig collection I just came to the real with myself that wigs don’t look nice on my face either and there isn’t anything WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO WEAR HAIR EXTENSIONS TOO. But in these days and times, having confidence means having lace fronts and such in your hair and having make up on your face but I just don’t believe that. At many times though, I felt like I needed to start wearing make up and hair extensions to prove to people that I was indeed confident…but the idea just never sat well with me. BUT. But I did finally think it was time for me to try something new and so I decided to put a texturize in my hair. A texturizer perm does straighten your hair but not permanently like a regular perm would. BUT. But I wasn’t really used to taking care of my hair with the texturizer in it like I could do with my natural hair before which was just adding product and being ready to go. Oops.

So then my hair started thinning out and I started to freak but no one ever knew how upset I was about my hair but me. I called my cousin and then had my hair cut down really short in 2011 and so I’ve been rocking I guess “natural“…again since then. Let me say this though, I HATE BEING ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT BEING NATURAL because it’s always the same old questions. I never have time in a conversation to explain that I’ve always been natural and that I had to cut my hair because I wasn’t taking care of it with that texturizer in it. That, and I feel like I am supposed to be this guru on being “natural” when I am still learning myself. Really, this whole trend has gotten me confused because my old ways are showing up to be “not good enough” for natural hair. And whenever I first cut my hair someone asked me how long I’ve been natural and I inadvertently responded but with me being oblivious to the whole “natural moment” that was taking place. When I cut my hair, I honestly WAS NOT AWARE THAT ALL BLACK GIRLS WERE CUTTING THEIR HAIR FOR A MOVEMENT and let’s be real that’s exactly what it was and is. A movement, a trend. So now whenever girls ask me how long I’ve been natural it’s almost like they really only want to calculate how long it is taking for my hair to reach my back in length. And because its not I guess that means I am not using the right product or twisting all the time since my hair isn’t down my back….oh my gosh and I dumbly respond to the questions too.

And other things that really urk me are the girls who AREN’T natural who always seem to have the MOST advice on what I could do to my hair. I have been told so many times by girls who do wear hair extensions that they have the same hair pattern/texture as me and I just say “oh okay“. One being is because I don’t care to bash black women for wearing hair extensions because it is what it is. Women, black women, you have to come to terms with yourself and make sure that what you are doing with your hair is the right choice for you and your hair and not for America and its bi-polar ways. And bi-polar I am meaning one moment you are hearing black America telling black women that the weave wearing epidemic has gone too far and that we need to be confident in our natural look and then the next minute black America is saying that this natural trend has to stop and black women look bad in their natural hair. Well what is it? I don’t and would never go to another black girl and ask her why she wears lace fronts but I often get questions about why I don’t do this or that to my hair and it stinks. It often doesn’t bother me but when you’ve got something on your mind such as your appearance, and I don’t worry about that often but it does come to mind, the last thing I want to hear is a hair suggestion that you may have saw on Youtube, come on now. I HATE TRENDS and following them is just not me but this natural thing just sort of happened that way.

I do take pride in my hair and you MAY not like the way that I wear it, but it works for me and that’s all that matters. And this is NOT a black and white issue either because when I stayed in Tuscaloosa, I got a lot of compliments about my hair from black women so I don’t want it to be seen like that. It is more so the fact of people not thinking before they speak to make comments about “natural” hair that gets me.

If I offended, then I’m NOT sorry because this is a RANT. Good day sir.