A bitter weight loss?

Oh no. For some time now I have been thinking about losing weight but I kept going back and forth with myself. The yes’s and no’s paused and interrupted me in the middle of many prayers about this and other things. At one point before this, I was so miserable in the simple thought of losing weight but why? I guess that I had it in my mind that I could stay this way and just improve myself, you know with wearing makeup and taking better care of my outer appearance. But once those feelings faded I was back to looking like the same old me, looking fat and I guess sloppy. Ever since I was younger I’ve dealt with my weight being an issue and had many low key disses towards me about it too. But because I am who I am, I pretended like I didn’t catch it and moved on…what was I supposed to do, fight them? I went to God for strength with dealing with the hurt and with that didn’t work, I went to food and isolation which resulted in making the situation worse. I remember being in elementary, middle and high school and almost wanting to die because I hated being noticed and I hated being without my jacket. There were times when I would stare in the mirror and cry. When I got of age, I bought some weight loss pills and I abused them shoving two in my mouth to get some results. I did do some working out so I started to slim down but I had my periods of weight loss followed by weird weight gain. For whatever reason you chose not to believe me because I am overweight then okay but while going through high school, I wasn’t eating everyday like one should sometimes no meals. I ate at school and at home got it was whatever my mom could afford and one of those things was iced tea with sugar. I drank that almost religiously; I loved it.

With me just drinking that, I never hungered badly and lost the appetite for food. Really, I think I even ate the school food because it was just something routine to do. Now we weren’t starving but there were times of a shortages and drought seasons. Now it is easy for me to have a drink fill me up or for a snack because of this. But this whole process of losing weight is a scary one. When I grew older, it was like my body started shaping itself strangely and I wasn’t sure what was what. Researching things, I came to the conclusion that many black women were shaped this so what did that mean? I needed to figure out how to make it…me work but I never liked the idea of that. I was never “thick” but “fat” and there were so many girls around me that prided themselves in their classification of “thick“…but they were indeed “fat” and I never understood that. After a tough stage of being nagged about my weight, which these seasons come and go so I am most likely due for another one soon, I came to the conclusion that this was enough. I was angry but I couldn’t be angry with those mentioning my weight because they didn’t make me fat. It was a weird feeling of hurt because I wanted to be angry but I kept reminding myself that everyone was right and that I couldn’t get mad so I got sad but I didn’t pig out on food this time. Rather yet…I got a membership to a gym and started taking time to go to the park to workout.

I’ve cried many nights about this decision because part of me feels like I am just doing this to shut people up instead of it being a positive thing for myself. Okay let me be honest, %1000 of me feels like this movement is for everyone else so that’s why I am moving slowly on it. And also like I mentioned my brain is wrapped around, “well once I lose weight, I’ll be able to get any guy’s attention…” and also on the fact that, “I want a guy to like me like I am…” and then there’s, “but will I be killing myself to lose weight once I get into a relationship?…“. So I’ve been driving myself insane thinking about this. Losing weight should never be so shameful but for me it is because I am not sure what is going to hurt worse, staying this size or losing weight. I feel like I might be resentful and more angry towards guys trying to talk to me, and I already made up in my mind that I am going to tell them no and just be single and skinny but the more logical part of me tells me that attitude won’t solve anything. I haven’t made changes to anything or everything just yet. I am working on making a schedule that works for me because I already started being apps and workout equipment like the gimmick that I never wanted to be involved in. If you read this and tell me that I need to love myself, truth is I already did. I was happy with me but being happy with myself will never stop the comments and embarrassing conversations in public about my weight. I can no longer bring tears to the table when it comes to this issue, but I know that something isn’t sitting well in my heart concerning this and I just can’t figure out whatever it is. Hmm.

12 hour snack zone

Usagi snackingNo meal zone, no meal zone! I snack better! Say what? I SNACK BETTER!!! Whoo! I wasn’t expected to get to this point in my life folks and what I am saying it an official giving up on the junk. Why what happened? I just finally got tired of the sluggish feeling, broke feeling, money wasted feeling, yucky feeling, tired feeling and unpleasant bathroom urges and I am at a point where I am willing to do something about it. As we speak I am regretting what I ate because it is leaving a bad aftertaste in my mouth and tummy. It’s like I cannot process food anymore without feeling so yucky. The yucky feeling can best be described as feeling like I am going to regurgitate soon and my body is preparing the services for it and really as if I saw something really nasty and I am grossed out. Ugh, trust me this is a horrible feeling to have just waiting in your body and guess what? Nothing happens so there isn’t anything I can do to stop these strange feelings. I also noticed I have been consuming way too many cold drinks and this could be why I am feeling super uncomfortable. I hate drinking water at work because I am always having to go to the restroom and it’s like I can never hold it for long.

snacks!!!Now I noticed that drinking cold drinks have the same urgent rush like water does. Yikes. But that is all I seem to have for myself at work which is cold drinks and snacks from the vending machine and this isn’t good. I am asked often why I don’t bring lunch and I have no answer but really when I am in the store looking for something, my hands find snacks and TV dinners. It is like I am never in the mood for real food and just grab anything just so I can have something but enough is enough. All this snacking has added up, physically and financially because I am just grabbing random things and keep having to grab random things because nothing is pre-made for me. I am in need of good cleanse and I am so glad that I was able to come across the Simple Green Smoothies website. I intended to do the 30 day challenge for October but that will have to wait. I purchased the special that they had going on for the 21 day cleanse and the 30 challenge so I am going to be working on that this month and in the next. I am ready to start feeling better you guys, seriously I am. I really think it’s me downing cold drinks like I am because even now I feel super yucky as we speak. Blah! It’s going to work out, I believe this. Well please stay tuned to this challenge cleanse thingy as I will be posting about my struggles and whatnot with it. See you all soon <3

This is why I am fat: Can I blame me though?

I have been wanting to come on here and write this post too! You know, you learn so much about yourself while going through trials because (if you’re lucky) have time to be in a spot by yourself where you can focus on your thoughts and reflect on how you present yourself and such. But! That is for another day and I don’t have much time as it is but I want to go ahead with this post. I really have been thinking about how my obesity came about. An ignorant person would easily shout, “well you eat too much.” and that isn’t true. You have to eat to survive but I don’t believe that me eating regularly has anything to do with my size now. I remember talking to a friend about weight and the body in general and she mentioned to me something that really happened to me as a child. As a child, (well in my house hold) we were constantly told not to waste food. My Great Grandmother would drill that into my head. Of course, I was the one at times as a child fixing my own plate and I remember there being many times when I had really fixed too much food for myself both my sister and I. The adults around would then fuss about wasting food and so the only way to deal with that problem was to…eat. I had to eat the rest of what I had fixed so it was like I was forcing myself to eat. Then my sister being the naturally skinnier one would give me her left over portion. With this same routine on repeat until my adult age now, now I see where the problem lies.

Yes it is a eating problem but I wouldn’t want someone to hit me with the, “you eat too much” statement when I now only eat (sometimes rarely) enough. If I eat a lot of food now, I get upset stomach issues and I hate having that. I can no longer consume a lot cheese without it making me feel bad or yucky inside. And like I just mentioned now I don’t eat like I used to but I noticed that I have been eating once a day (I did this, like mainly in college because I was trying to lose weight and when my body got used to that one or two meals, it would be hard to force myself to eat more) and it wouldn’t be very healthy foods either. I know that is bad but the way that I saw it was that I just needed to eat only twice a day and that what I was eating didn’t matter just as long as I ate then I would be okay. But. And that is a very big but I found myself getting hungry rushes at night while up studying for exams. Then there came the power of Coke and Dr. Pepper because these two beverages filled me up like I had just had a meal for some reason. And then I would get up and repeat this routine.

I have been trying to see how I can stop myself from doing this “two meals a day” thing and to get into a better eating habit of healthier food. I don’t have a true relaxation zone for me to focus on eating healthy right now because I am pretty stressed from work, school and my situation that it is easy for me to pick up some fast food. It, in a way, feels good to eat unhealthy but something that hasn’t been feeling so good is that fast food price. I have been making a very long transition to just drinking water, even when I eat fast food. I have been doing pretty good too and I had my first Dr. Pepper last night actually. It tasted the same but in the back of my head I felt bad for eating fast food and I felt bad for drinking that Dr. Pepper too. This week though, I am going to try to come on here and make journals about what I am eating and drinking to keep up with myself. I really need to track what is going on in my diet. I am going to get it together one of these days! I believe that!

Not giving up…on losing weight.

I have to admit, whenever I start thinking if that battle is really worth fighting I get upset. I start to thinking about how I need to learn to love the bigger me and just leave losing weight alone. I have had these thoughts quite often and they have helped in slowing hte process of me losing weight. That and my ever growing schedule which seems to slow me down from doing anything for myself and that isn’t good. Well school is for me but I am starting to second guess that too. I don’t want to give up on losing weight but at the same time, I am not sure what I really want out of it. I remember writing about this decision a while back but now all of a sudden I am unsure again. Thoughts about love and being accepted for who I am started to fill my mind once more. I keep telling me that losing weight is worth it but then I think about what will happen to me…AFTER I lose weight. Will it be more of a shock to me than I think it will?

Will it be easier for me to, sort of say…ugh never mind because that thought will be misunderstood so forget it. It was just something concerning how I am viewed but whatever. I think about things like that from time to time but lately it has been on my mind a lot more than usual. I get whenever I get into a slouch I start thinking about things that I really should just let be. The other day I when I was eating I felt very badly about doing so. I just felt like I had had enough and I was ready to start working on me and getting to a healthier me. I felt like at that point, I made up in my mind that things were going to be different for me and that I needed to work towards losing weight not for anyone else but me. I started thinking about how much cash I waste on fast food instead of getting something that will actually last me much longer than 10 minutes. I had had enough and I was tired. At that very moment I was just so tired and I was a little embarrassed to be seen eating junk food like I was. I was ready. I was ready to stop polluting my body and to give weight loss another try but I wonder…how long will this feeling and blast of motivation last? I hope it will last through the entire process but then again, things do happen.