Related posts: Unlikely change?
Well, am I? It has been on my mind to write this post…since forever and I am glad that I am finally getting the chance to do so. I have a little time on my hands and right now, I have to write. I have to write until I can’t write anymore. Well not really because I am going to be on here doing a couple of posts but you get the point, don’t you? Anyway this post is really geared towards my social skills and how I don’t feel like they are good enough. Even with me forcing myself to break out of my quiet zone and to speak more to people, I still don’t feel like I am doing enough for me. There are many times when it still doesn’t feel so good to go up to different people and speak. I just have it set in my mind that my presence my be looked at to others as being a bother. I am not very good with joining in on conversations though I have tried many times. Really most of the time it is on things that I don’t care to discuss and I feel strange just standing there listening to well, nothing. I consider myself a free spirit and I like the fact that I can almost give my two cents in about most things but my voice often gets overshadowed and I HATE saying, “did you hear what I said?” or “you heard me?” especially if what I said was meant to be funny.
I know this may sound pretty pathetic to some but to me, it isn’t. I want to understand why it sometimes, at most all the time, doesn’t feel so well to approach many with words. I tried to look at my life and the many things that I went through as a child with me and speaking. I mentioned many times before that I was told that I never spoke much until the age of 6 years old. I have mentioned about how as a child I had kids either come to me or I ended up being put into groups with them and that’s how I made many of my friends. As a teenager, I had friends from my younger years but those relationships soon faded. After that, I noticed that I was often picked out people who seemed to be quiet and who seemed not to have many people around them because that made me feel comfortable to approach them but even then they seemed to venture off to find people who were popular…(and I was like, wait what happened?). I thought the state of my social skills were okay until recently. College is what really brought speaking more out of me and in a bad way. Whenever I would go to someone with a problem, I never liked hearing “oh you need to talk to people” because I never knew what meant really (because I thought that was what I was already doing). And even when I would come to my own mom with the problem or issue she too would hit me with the statement, “you need to talk to people” and I was but I wasn’t getting the things that I needed from doing so. I often see many parents fuss at their younger children about speaking up and pretty much forcing the child to do something that doesn’t come easy to them. Instead of the parent nurturing and teaching the child confidence, they would rather fuss at the child about things that they didn’t even know they were doing wrong and I can say with 100% that this happened to me.
I often felt like my mom and sister criticized me about not having a good balance of social skills but really there where many times when I felt like my mom didn’t really instill that into me. Can I blame my mom for my lack of social skills or am I the one to blame? During this time of being homeless, I have been confined to one room that I share with my mom and sister. In this space, I have been able to observe my mom in many different ways. The many things that she fusses at me about, as if I am supposed to know them already, she herself doesn’t hold true to either and that confuses me. Her doing this wasn’t the first time but now that I am closer to her I am able to see that the reason I act the way that I do has an extremely big influence from both her and my Grandmother and this doesn’t make me feel so good because I feel like the things they instilled in me aren’t accepted at all so therefore I have to change me and have been changing me. I feel like I am the struggling Christian with faith (from my Grandmother) mixed with a social anxiety issues (from my mother) and that stinks. No matter how hard I have tried to break away from my shyness and quietness, I feel like it’s not good enough. I want more. And I also feel like at times that I should be stepping out being more talkative but at this age, I can’t blame anyone anymore; I have to blame only myself. So whenever I go to those who I think are my friends and try to talk to them about issues and they always hit me with that painful statement, “you need to talk to people…” I feel bad and at times even lower than I was before I spoke to them about my problem.
On the brighter side, I have been wanting to work towards learning to feel okay and hopefully even comfortable with approaching people and learning that it isn’t a bother to them to do so. And at times I do almost shed a tear because it hurts me and I get so nervous that I draw back into my shell. I just start wishing that I was born with the natural ability to be a talkative person but I am not. But I calm myself down and get back up again and try some more. And you know what else bothers me? Whenever other shy people have the nerve enough to tell me how not to be shy and that I need to talk to people (that pisses me off) but then joke about being anti-social, being shy and liking to be alone…okay. Though I do feel like they are talking to themselves when they talk at me like that, I just tell myself to brush it off. Also to brush off whenever guys do that to me too. I used to think I wanted a shy boyfriend because at least he would understand me…NO. I was wrong cause whenever I noticed that they only guys that approach me were shy ones they were either so shy that I had to do most of that talking and just gave up or they were so desperate for a girlfriend and a relationship that they were too overbearing and annoying. I now see that I DON’T want a guy like that in my life. Though I still STRONGLY believe, no matter how many times girls will down me on this, that God said that a man findth a woman, I would still like to be able to find someone who isn’t overbearing or shy to be with (cause them other two, I can’t deal with). Oh well goodnight.