Okay, so what happened was…

I am so lazyOkay, so what happened was I was supposed to have already had a challenge for October and November lined up but something happened…laziness came over to spend the night and ended up staying for a few weeks. That ended up pushing me back with writing more than I expected because I had to wait on him hands and feets (I mean feet). Sorry. At least I have an excuse though, even if you don’t believe it so yeah. But I really had a challenge lined up for October and something was going to come to pass (or past) for November but things aren’t looking to go in that direction. I am going to keep looking for things to do for my October challenge, even it is one that I find. I wanted to track my 21 day cleanse that I was doing from the Simple Green Smoothie website but I am not sure my body is ready for that but I need to start sometime soon.

I can’t keep pushing back my health because I am not sure if now is a good time to start. I guess you don’t have to prepare yourself for a cleanse though, you just step right into doing it hmm. Anyway, because I am not sure if I am going to have that challenge in the position that I want it I think I may, WAIT! The real reason I didn’t do that 21 day cleanse in September because when I found out about it, I wouldn’t have had enough days in September to do it and I had signed up to start the 30 day smoothie challenge for October from Simple Green Smoothie so that is what really happened. I wanted to push the 21 day cleanse to October and just do the smoothie challenge in November, even though Thanksgiving is in November. I am not worried about missing out on yummy Thanksgiving specials because my health is more important than sweet potatoes and turkey with gravy. I got to get this folks, I really do. I don’t want my blog to be all confusing though so I am going to come on here and organize the next challenges that I am going to do on here so my posts won’t seem so cluttered. See you soon loves and I may end up borrowing a challenge from someone’s blog just for fun. <3

Officially 24, Happy Birthday to Me.

I struggled so much with trying to get back to sleep, well to sleep period this morning so I didn’t wake up until late in the day. My momma and sister made sure to remind me that it was my birthday and sent me their wishes and love. It’s pretty tough being away from them and Louisiana in general. I never thought I would be able to make a move like this and I am still thinking about how I did. Thankful that it happened but still contemplating if it should have. Things haven’t been going so brightly as I would have hoped and planned for myself and I am just taking the blows pretty harshly. I am starting to go back into my old ways of thinking and I ma just not motivated anymore to do things. I feel stuck but in a way I am not sure how to move either. I have been telling me, trying to do the best with encouraging myself, to keep going and that this move was NOT in vain but it hasn’t been easy. And I guess because I have been reminding myself of what I DIDN’T have verses what I DO have and the more that I think about it, the happier I become. I may not have what I want right now and at this moment but I am still very much BLESSED.

It gets tiring hearing people (especially those who have what you want…) who keep telling you that you need to, “hold on” and “you’re going to make it” when all those things that you are fighting for just seem to be so far out of your reach. But I just had to believe. I had to start believe for me again and with that little spark of voice inside of me that DOES tell me it’s worth it and that it is going to happen I do keep going. And for me to have graciously made it to the age of 24, with everything that I put myself through (mentally and emotionally), is nothing but a blessing. I remember, really 12 years ago because it was starting to happen at the age of 12, that I was on a what seemed like never ending spiral of depression that I hid away and it always seemed to come back within the years. So that very fact that I am so lucky to see the age of 24 is a blessing to me; for God sparing my life and being the voice of reason whenever I did try to end it all. I don’t have too much to say and I have never been the one for a million words. Earlier in the day, I got two zebra cakes and stuck some candles in them and sang “Happy Birthday” to myself and just wished that this would be the LAST time…for this downward emotional spiral that I am always seeming to hop on. I am ready, so ready, to move forward in life and with the rest of my journey. God’s will be done; I am tired of fighting Him and I am tired of fighting myself. I will say, for the longest, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid of success because I never knew how I could, deal with it. I’ve been running from it and the thought of being successful in life and I’ve been convincing myself that is was NEVER for me and that’s not true. I just have to say that, I am done. I am tired of running now and I am ready to start. I am ready to start making the wrongs, the rights. I am very eager for tomorrow and I am ready to start making a change, a POSITIVE change. I am so loved and I am so happy to be celebrating (well not really celebrating) my 24th birthday on today. Be blessed and I will be making some changes to the site and updating many things soon…probably even after I post this. :) Good night.

I need a occupant! But what?…a pet!

Yes I do realize the word “occupant” is referring to another person but for this post, it will be referring to a pet. So! Why am I asking for something new to help with my extra time? I have been looking at pets for a long time and I really haven’t come to a really good choice for myself. I have always been a fish type of person, really my momma got me into fish at a young age. I remember being a keeper of a plenty of fish in my younger days and I just really liked the idea of keeping them around. I’ve only had a big aquarium whenever I was like what, around 7 or 8 years old but yeah. I have been keeping fish as pets for now but since I moved and I wasn’t able to come to Alabama with all of my things, meaning I had to leave my growing aquarium at home. The last three fish (because I had four total) I had died and I was mad but my black Betta fish survived and I am happy about that. I actually, super happy, found that Betta fish being said that they hate everyone are compatible with Tetras. Though I was so close to testing this theory (that I heard from the lady that owns the fish place in Hammond and the name of the place is Ken’s Tropical Fish and I think they sell snowballs too) we had to move. Sigh…but yeah. I will start my fish tank back up soon but until then, I would really like an animal that is a good pet for me.

I don’t want a dog and I don’t want a cat; I don’t want anything that will try to kill me or chew my face off (cause some of y’all people CRAZY! be housing lions and tigers and python snakes as pets!!! NO MA’AM!!!). After giving it a lot of thought, something brought my attention to a chameleon as a pet! The idea would be so original and I like being original and I feel like chameleons are original in themselves! I’ve been reading up on them for quite some time but I still have more research to do. Like whether or not they would make a good pet for me. From basic knowledge, I wouldn’t have to worry about him going off and going through my neighbor’s trash or pooping in their lawn. The more I think about it the happier I become! I really think I want to move on this chameleon pet thing for me! Don’t know where in Alabama I could find one but I am going to be doing more research on them to see and I will let you know! For now, enjoy my lil’ homie Pascal from the Disney movie Tangled.

Picture credit: Wallpaper downloader
Picture credit: Furry Talk

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Pascal

Am I the one to blame for my lack of social skills?

Related posts: Unlikely change?

Well, am I? It has been on my mind to write this post…since forever and I am glad that I am finally getting the chance to do so. I have a little time on my hands and right now, I have to write. I have to write until I can’t write anymore. Well not really because I am going to be on here doing a couple of posts but you get the point, don’t you? Anyway this post is really geared towards my social skills and how I don’t feel like they are good enough. Even with me forcing myself to break out of my quiet zone and to speak more to people, I still don’t feel like I am doing enough for me. There are many times when it still doesn’t feel so good to go up to different people and speak. I just have it set in my mind that my presence my be looked at to others as being a bother. I am not very good with joining in on conversations though I have tried many times. Really most of the time it is on things that I don’t care to discuss and I feel strange just standing there listening to well, nothing. I consider myself a free spirit and I like the fact that I can almost give my two cents in about most things but my voice often gets overshadowed and I HATE saying, “did you hear what I said?” or “you heard me?” especially if what I said was meant to be funny.

I know this may sound pretty pathetic to some but to me, it isn’t. I want to understand why it sometimes, at most all the time, doesn’t feel so well to approach many with words. I tried to look at my life and the many things that I went through as a child with me and speaking. I mentioned many times before that I was told that I never spoke much until the age of 6 years old. I have mentioned about how as a child I had kids either come to me or I ended up being put into groups with them and that’s how I made many of my friends. As a teenager, I had friends from my younger years but those relationships soon faded. After that, I noticed that I was often picked out people who seemed to be quiet and who seemed not to have many people around them because that made me feel comfortable to approach them but even then they seemed to venture off to find people who were popular…(and I was like, wait what happened?). I thought the state of my social skills were okay until recently. College is what really brought speaking more out of me and in a bad way. Whenever I would go to someone with a problem, I never liked hearing “oh you need to talk to people” because I never knew what meant really (because I thought that was what I was already doing). And even when I would come to my own mom with the problem or issue she too would hit me with the statement, “you need to talk to people” and I was but I wasn’t getting the things that I needed from doing so. I often see many parents fuss at their younger children about speaking up and pretty much forcing the child to do something that doesn’t come easy to them. Instead of the parent nurturing and teaching the child confidence, they would rather fuss at the child about things that they didn’t even know they were doing wrong and I can say with 100% that this happened to me.

I often felt like my mom and sister criticized me about not having a good balance of social skills but really there where many times when I felt like my mom didn’t really instill that into me. Can I blame my mom for my lack of social skills or am I the one to blame? During this time of being homeless, I have been confined to one room that I share with my mom and sister. In this space, I have been able to observe my mom in many different ways. The many things that she fusses at me about, as if I am supposed to know them already, she herself doesn’t hold true to either and that confuses me. Her doing this wasn’t the first time but now that I am closer to her I am able to see that the reason I act the way that I do has an extremely big influence from both her and my Grandmother and this doesn’t make me feel so good because I feel like the things they instilled in me aren’t accepted at all so therefore I have to change me and have been changing me. I feel like I am the struggling Christian with faith (from my Grandmother) mixed with a social anxiety issues (from my mother) and that stinks. No matter how hard I have tried to break away from my shyness and quietness, I feel like it’s not good enough. I want more. And I also feel like at times that I should be stepping out being more talkative but at this age, I can’t blame anyone anymore; I have to blame only myself. So whenever I go to those who I think are my friends and try to talk to them about issues and they always hit me with that painful statement, “you need to talk to people…” I feel bad and at times even lower than I was before I spoke to them about my problem.

On the brighter side, I have been wanting to work towards learning to feel okay and hopefully even comfortable with approaching people and learning that it isn’t a bother to them to do so. And at times I do almost shed a tear because it hurts me and I get so nervous that I draw back into my shell. I just start wishing that I was born with the natural ability to be a talkative person but I am not. But I calm myself down and get back up again and try some more. And you know what else bothers me? Whenever other shy people have the nerve enough to tell me how not to be shy and that I need to talk to people (that pisses me off) but then joke about being anti-social, being shy and liking to be alone…okay. Though I do feel like they are talking to themselves when they talk at me like that, I just tell myself to brush it off. Also to brush off whenever guys do that to me too. I used to think I wanted a shy boyfriend because at least he would understand me…NO. I was wrong cause whenever I noticed that they only guys that approach me were shy ones they were either so shy that I had to do most of that talking and just gave up or they were so desperate for a girlfriend and a relationship that they were too overbearing and annoying. I now see that I DON’T want a guy like that in my life. Though I still STRONGLY believe, no matter how many times girls will down me on this, that God said that a man findth a woman, I would still like to be able to find someone who isn’t overbearing or shy to be with (cause them other two, I can’t deal with). Oh well goodnight.

Unlikely change?

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. -Ralph Ellison, “Battle Royal”

[EDIT]Oh my gosh once I saw this quote I had to come back on here and post it. I really like this quote so much but yeah enjoy![/EDIT]

Like I mentioned before, something is going on with me inside that I really don’t like. Right now, I haven’t been feeling like myself and I hate feeling out of place. I don’t like having that “bad feeling” feeling about me and I don’t like feeling like there is something wrong. I do feel like I have changed something about myself that I just don’t like because it wasn’t a positive change…but what could it be?

In many ways, I kind of wish I could crawl back into my oh so very quiet shell and just be there, by myself. I kind of feel like I explored a little too much. I am just used to being quiet and I like being in my comfort zone with me being me. But another very tiny part of me doesn’t want me to go back into my quiet shell and I don’t know why. Honestly, I know this may seem weird, but I just like being quiet. I know they say that closed mouths don’t get fed and I understand that logic but I just feel like I am not in myself right now. I feel like I forced myself to do something that I got nagged about by others and because it wasn’t something that I always felt that I needed to do then it didn’t feel so good coming from other people but I did it anyway to somehow shut them up. It didn’t work either because I feel like no matter what I changed, I still was reminded of my past every time by people and it never felt like I was changing for the better but for the worse.

I don’t want to go back to being completely quiet but I want to know that the more outgoing side and explorative side of me is coming out of me because I AM the one making them come out and not because I am being forced by others to do so. I want to know that with everything that I do, you know. I also learned that I need to keep my mouth shut in many situations too especially if I don’t want to get burned with foolishness. I just know that I can’t change the fact that I am naturally quiet and that’s just how I am. It’s me. I sometimes wish I was born a natural talker but like I have said many times before, I didn’t start talking until the age of 6 or so. If I am approached to engage in a friendly conversation then I do and if someone asks me more then I speak up but I have never been the type for bothering people much. Many people love having a lot of people in their face and in their business and that’s just not me. I need to not complain to others about the things that I want because like I said, it’s so easy for them to remember me of yesterday instead of the things that I am accomplish today. I have a lot more work to do on me and even with me being 23 years old, I am still growing and STILL LEARNING.

I searched Google for the turtle images and was lucky to find these but just in case I only have credit for the scared turtle and not the other one, sorry.

Quotes from Quote Garden
Photo credit: Wonder Turtle Soaps

This is me now:
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This is who I wanna be:
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