I struggled so much with trying to get back to sleep, well to sleep period this morning so I didn’t wake up until late in the day. My momma and sister made sure to remind me that it was my birthday and sent me their wishes and love. It’s pretty tough being away from them and Louisiana in general. I never thought I would be able to make a move like this and I am still thinking about how I did. Thankful that it happened but still contemplating if it should have. Things haven’t been going so brightly as I would have hoped and planned for myself and I am just taking the blows pretty harshly. I am starting to go back into my old ways of thinking and I ma just not motivated anymore to do things. I feel stuck but in a way I am not sure how to move either. I have been telling me, trying to do the best with encouraging myself, to keep going and that this move was NOT in vain but it hasn’t been easy. And I guess because I have been reminding myself of what I DIDN’T have verses what I DO have and the more that I think about it, the happier I become. I may not have what I want right now and at this moment but I am still very much BLESSED.
It gets tiring hearing people (especially those who have what you want…) who keep telling you that you need to, “hold on” and “you’re going to make it” when all those things that you are fighting for just seem to be so far out of your reach. But I just had to believe. I had to start believe for me again and with that little spark of voice inside of me that DOES tell me it’s worth it and that it is going to happen I do keep going. And for me to have graciously made it to the age of 24, with everything that I put myself through (mentally and emotionally), is nothing but a blessing. I remember, really 12 years ago because it was starting to happen at the age of 12, that I was on a what seemed like never ending spiral of depression that I hid away and it always seemed to come back within the years. So that very fact that I am so lucky to see the age of 24 is a blessing to me; for God sparing my life and being the voice of reason whenever I did try to end it all. I don’t have too much to say and I have never been the one for a million words. Earlier in the day, I got two zebra cakes and stuck some candles in them and sang “Happy Birthday” to myself and just wished that this would be the LAST time…for this downward emotional spiral that I am always seeming to hop on. I am ready, so ready, to move forward in life and with the rest of my journey. God’s will be done; I am tired of fighting Him and I am tired of fighting myself. I will say, for the longest, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid of success because I never knew how I could, deal with it. I’ve been running from it and the thought of being successful in life and I’ve been convincing myself that is was NEVER for me and that’s not true. I just have to say that, I am done. I am tired of running now and I am ready to start. I am ready to start making the wrongs, the rights. I am very eager for tomorrow and I am ready to start making a change, a POSITIVE change. I am so loved and I am so happy to be celebrating (well not really celebrating) my 24th birthday on today. Be blessed and I will be making some changes to the site and updating many things soon…probably even after I post this. :) Good night.
Now if you know my family and you know my Grandmother, then you know that my Grandmother DOES NOT celebrate birthdays. It has something to do with how in the Bible there is a story about John the Baptist being beheaded on the request of a female on the person she danced for birthday. I am going to have to brush up on that story but I know it so don’t come on here trying to give me the whole spill, trust me my Grandmother reminds me of it daily and I should know it like the back of my hand but I have other things to worry about. Anyway she doesn’t celebrate any holidays really but she does enjoy Mother’s day and Thanksgiving. She is a strong Christian woman with her morals and values set very high and no she is not a Jehovah Witness nor is she Southern Baptist. She is just a Christian so let’s just leave it at that. Though she doesn’t like for us to wish her a happy birthday, I still like to call her and tell her that I am happy that she made it to another year. As a child, I often struggled and sometimes was afraid to call her on her birthday and let tell her “happy birthday” because we really couldn’t say that to her. I finally figured out the right words to say and she is very happy whenever we call (and say the right things) to her. She isn’t too overbearing so don’t get that wrong but she has her own ways. We’ve been with her so long that we are used to them but someone new coming in wouldn’t understand her. I am just very thankful for her and the many prayers she has prayed over me and my family especially me with school and such. I wouldn’t ask for another Grandmother and though her ways can be very tough at times, I know that she means well and that things wouldn’t get done if she wasn’t the way that she was. I love my Grandmother and I am so thankful and blessed to have her as my Grandmother. I know you are probably wondering what I keep saying “Grandmother” and not “Grandma” and that’s because my Grandmother doesn’t like to be called “Grandma” and won’t respond to us if we do. That doesn’t have anything to do with her religious ways but rather the fact that she dislikes that word and would rather “Grandmother” instead. I know, I know. She is also going to fuss as soon as someone messy tells her that I posted this photo of us to my site after she forcefully and deliberately fussed about not wanting these photos on the Internet…but I will take this one shot for the team. Happy Birthday Grandmother.
Well we made 3 years of being online but I really feel like I have only been active like 1 year. I wish I could have spent some of my time building up a better blogging community but things came up and I really got busy with school and such. Hopefully my post about My College Daze will explain everything that I have been encountering with school and such. I am hoping to really build up my site because I don’t want it to go to waste. I love my blog site, and I love my blog name too cause it fits me so well. Anyway today is special to me because it’s also my Great Grandmother’s birthday. Whenever I purchased this domain on this day I made sure that I did it with purpose because I really still do miss my Great Grandmother and her words of wisdom. I wish that I could have paid more attention to her then because I know that those talks she used to have with my sister and I weren’t for nothing. Anyway I hope everyone is having a great Friday and I will be back with the rest of my posts about My College Daze. Stay tuned.
This is the lil’ boy from the episode of the Powerpuff Girls where they was singing that “love, love, love, la la love makes the world go round.” song but ain’t he cute!?
I really got to figure out which site has a birthday today! I try to purchase my domains on days that mean the most to me. I know for a fact that this site, Simply Atte, was purchased on my Great Grandmother’s birthday in July. I really miss her man. I thought that things would fade away from my memory about her but it feels like she just left me. That and the fact that it sometimes takes a very long time for me to cope with things and for life to hit me. I am not non caring but it just takes me a while to respond to certain things (like tragedies) and to others that may come off as me being rude and uncaring. Sorry. Anyway I do this every year on my Tumblr and Livejournal so why not carry the tradition on my public site? Oh yeah. Happy Birthday to me! I could go about complaining about some things and I could be really ungrateful but I just choose to be happy and thankful for waking up this morning. No alarm was programmed into my phone and so it was truly God who woke me this morning. I need to get back to my faith and back to focusing more on God than anything. With the many things that I have been going through, I have been learning that I really must learn “patience” and that a delay is not a denial. Sometimes I do get really upset whenever I don’t hear a word from God and then I leave Him and stop giving him the glory. That is not good my friends. All in all (I have been saying that a lot and I hope that I am using it in the right terms! LOL But no I really hope that I am using that in the right terms…) I am thankful to have been blessed to see another day and I hope that things start improving for me cause I am still waiting on an answer about school. Anyway enjoy these graphics of my favorite celebrity, man I wish she was still here though. :(
GIF credit: Dmentality