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Been creating stuff like this since two thousand and six!

challenge 1

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When you don’t feel right, you don’t blog right.

So there you go. I haven’t been feeling all in one place lately that and as you can tell, I have been stuck in one place at work since August with little break time. Now that I have some time for breaks I am working on what my plans for everything is. I must sound pretty silly to keep mentioning about “plan this” and “plan that” and nothing has come to past. I would like to think that now I have a better motive for going this route…I have to. Before in the past, me actually doing this wasn’t first priority but now with the change that I had to go ahead and accept I decided to start making this whole idea TOP PRIORITY. Why though? Like what’s going on? So much is going on as of now and I just need time to think and write. I need time to think and write about stuff. But yeah I will be explaining everything happening with me. Still working towards getting a place to stay but I am still cramped up. Writing is impossible almost because all I want to do is sleep and eat. Ugh! I will be back, trust me I will be.

Budget, budget, BUDGET!

Hey there! I think I am feeling pretty confident to start video blogging again. I am not in a place where I can do much of that, unless I got out to my car and make all my videos from out there but I am not sure if I want to do that. Anyway, I am going to be writing on some of the budget lists that I have been coming up with one being food, the other being money. I thought that I had a second one but I guess not. Hmm. I didn’t mean second I meant third and I am too lazy to go back and erase all of that so you’re just going to have to read it. But anyway this is the pre-post for those topics and I will be coming on here soon to start writing on them. I hope to get a lot more posts in for the journal other than just once in a while. Well I am going to be back with those topics shortly, thanks.

And everyone hated me.

Whenever this was brought to my attention, I was like “oh okay, I didn’t know that but okay…” I mean what are supposed to say whenever you hear something like this? I am telling you one thing, this job has been a test since the day that I started there but I am seeing one thing about the test…it keeps coming back……IN THE SAME EXACT FORM. It’s like I haven’t passed it the first time, or second time, or third time or whenever and when I was thinking about it for a while the only thing that I can say that this is true I haven’t passed the test. Instead of giving in to God I’ve been playing right along with the world and what I thought would do the trick. I am young. I am young, I am still learning and that means that I am not always going to take the high road in sticky situations. It’s tough because I don’t like being challenged but as I have heard so many times before whenever people through Christian broadcast would say that God allows Satan to tests us and not because God doesn’t love us either. And I keep thinking, “well I got God, I’mma just let Him handle it…” and then end up with egg on my face because I end up handling it in the WRONG WAY.

The simple thought is enough to make you start second guessing everything though. I went to God first and then my mom for the motherly support and being that she deals with hectic things on her job all the time. I wasn’t crying about it though and I don’t feel like I will because as I mentioned before I know who I am and I know that I am flawed and I know that I take the low road the majority of the time. These tests set me up to feel like everyone expects me to start crying, being weak or to be a mean person when they have no idea what I deal with or am going through as if it were okay to antagonize me when I’m down. And because I don’t like pulling the, “feel sorry for me” card or some “sympathy story“, I have been doing the BEST thing that I know how, which is to just deal with it. I have things that are bugging me now but I just deal with it and know that this is just life. I will say I had to take a double take which ended up in me questioning about if this was the reason that I didn’t have a lot of things in my life. I mean I was finally free of thinking in a “I’m not up to par with every other 20+ year old…” with the marriages, families, houses, nice cars, college degrees and working in nice careers thoughts. I figured this was how I came off to a lot of people because to be honest this isn’t the first time that me or my ways (personality) has been talked about and complained over. I felt a flashback. I wanted to catch myself before things went too far and I keep that fact in mind but it still makes me wonder. I just hope that I don’t wander too far down this road again because if I do, I am afraid it may bring up something else that was old…and only God knows what this is to me. Then if that is this case, I just pray that I can do a better job of passing this test this time around because I don’t have time to go all the way back to square one again. I can’t, I just can’t.

Ungratefulness.

And dealing with it. So. Umm lately I have been dealing with some people that don’t really seem too happy about the things that I’ve done for them or gifts given and one thing is for sure when this feeling comes to you it sucks. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I was just didn’t worry about it but I am so used to this kind of stuff happening to me and it hurts. I don’t know what makes some people think that they need to be everyone’s priority or that I should have done what I did. And then in one case I felt some weird vibes from someone and for some reason I just had it on my mind that they really didn’t like the gift that I got for them. I can understand this. Maybe I should have asked if they would like what I was going to give to them, you know thinking that we were on same level so since this was a fact that they would like what I liked but I guess not huh. I guess a bad gift can really cause people to ignore you and throw shade but was it that serious? If I did something for you it came from the heart and because I care about you but nowadays people focus so much on whether or not you have a good job to ensure that this person will bring you a great gift.

This same reason is why the holidays are meaningless now because everyone wants expensive gifts instead of those two things you will never be able to buy, LOVE and TIME. I enjoy spending the holidays with my family but I remember there being times around Christmas when some were annoyed with whatever on that day. I was like, “oh my, are you serious?! God woke you up this morning, be thankful!“. Now I think it may be better to start spending the holidays alone, where I can enjoy my own company. To me, it isn’t about gift giving or just coming together to eat but the time that we spend together is always awesome to me; I love it. Even if many people were making $1,000,000 dollars a day, how much you want to bet they will still be plum miserable. I guess this is just going to be one of my rants for the day though. Like I said, things like that upset me because I know that I put a lot of thought into many things that I do for people but I also know I got to keep kicking. Experiences like the ones I’ve gotten make you open your eyes and hope and pray that you didn’t treat someone else with ungratefulness too. You must always be careful not to do what was wrongfully done to you unto others as well.