Did I mention that my plans are starting to come to fruition? No, I didn’t and that’s because I forgot to post about what I am working on because I am not ready to speak about what I am working on just yet. I know that sounds so backwards and I would be childish and write that entire sentence backwards just to be goofy but I don’t have time for that. Maybe in another post where I am being just as silly, so next time folks. OKAY! So yeah I went ahead and purchased those two new domains and renewed this one for another year, along with the two others. I am not able to work on any designs yet because I have to get my Creative Cloud back. I also need to work on saving to get myself a Wacom tablet. I guess I could be reading tutorials in the meantime but I just feel like there are no good tutorials out there anymore. I mean like, I really think web designing that whole era of Myspace (yes, Myspace) awesomeness is official dead…but y’all sleep on Tumblr though. Though I feel like Tumblr has matured a lot, you can STILL use the good old fashion HTML to slap something cute on your blog. Yes indeed. Well I know that wasn’t much of an update on anything but I am still working, let me stop lying, on getting things together for my sites and such. Umm but on a serious note, I really am trying to get that Wacom tablet and I have my eyes on a very special one too. Intuos Pro, anyone? <3.
Well can I? At this point, that would be a very selfish thing to ask. But what sparked this little thought? I guess it is the fact that there are times when I feel like I am putting myself out there too much. But part of me is like, “you’re not doing anything explicit so what’s the problem girl?” and I am not sure. I often feel it would be so silly to want privacy when I am into web design, graphic design and blogging. I know and realize that the average person that you meet doesn’t go researching for you on Facebook and other social media outlets but still I must wonder. The people I want to search for me have no idea who I am and the ones that I wish would stop bugging me have the advantage of finding me if they wanted to. Hmm. I know that seems goofy but hey that saying goes for me too you know? I feel like a lot of people deal with this but whenever I start looking for people (and yes I do) and notice that their many social media outlets are “private” I start thinking that maybe mine may be too open. I never bothered with a privacy issue because I figured that no one was searching for me but…I was wrong. People do search for me, for all of us and it is nothing to lose sleep over just something to keep in mind before you start posting crazy stuff. Then again, I have come across so many females who just have the mentality like, “I don’t care boo boo let them see me!!!” that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone showed me crazy stuff about the sweet and innocent school teacher. Hmm. Oh well just a random food for thought. I am starting to feel like I am too out there again but I am not sure why. I have nothing to be ashamed of and all I do is blog about life so…yeah. This is another one of my, “I’m taking a break from social media” rant blogs if you haven’t noticed yet.
And it’s so amazing how many of us continue on in life with smiles and happiness galore. I started this out one way but after a while of thinking about it, I would like to take another route. It just seems like today, we are having to do MORE work to be LESS satisfied–why is that? I mean after all, all of this new age inventions were meant to give us way more leisure time than working time. Now in today’s world, I am seeing people actually picking up two sometimes three jobs just to make ends me. Umm, that doesn’t sound right. I myself used to think about getting second jobs while in my first initial job because almost everyone I worked with had second jobs and they were my age, younger or adults. Many of them complained but others kept on keeping on. It reminds me of a girl who was in my Chemistry lab class and she was a EMT or a paramedic and she was coming into class knowing what she was doing. But there were times where I looked at her and she looked like she was about to fall asleep in midair. I wanted to ask for her help with some problems but I felt too bad to even be that selfish. She was smart though and I guess the reason she was working a full-time job and going to school (which they say is a no-no for science majors) was of personal matters so you just never know. You will never know someone else’ struggle and how they are dealing with it without having to go public with it. I too have been learning to NOT OPEN MY MOUTH about the personal things that are going on with me. It’s almost like whenever I do, things really get worse and so I just learn to stop speaking on my weary situations and to start speaking on my future victories. I know I don’t do so well with saying, “thank you Jesus” for the good and the bad but with everything happening, I am able to see that it is God working in my better good. Thank you God and I am going to keep on keeping on and do better to COMPLAIN LESS and PRAISE MORE. Peace <3
In life when desperate measure situations arise we often wonder, “how far would I go?“. Are you willing to go to jail for this? Would you steal from someone who has nothing? Is this crime worth it? I know many people have quick responses to something like this just to prove that they would do anything in hard times, even if it meant hurting someone else. Being at a financial rock bottom, experiencing having nothing to eat and eating the same things repeatedly I know what it is like to be at a desperate time. But still never have I stolen from others just to get my fix or the that imaginary high that I needed. Why? Because I knew that taking something that wasn’t mine was WRONG and it didn’t matter if I was taking money from the rich to give to the poor…I STILL WOULD BE IN THE WRONG and this is fair.
I guess they never thought that I wouldn’t recognize that people had been into our home and taken what they wanted to get a few change from it. It doesn’t matter if the house looked or was abandoned, bottom line who ever you were took some items that didn’t belong to you and I am confused as to what in your life could have been that bad to just openly steal our stuff? I don’t understand. But I can say that it has made me stronger though. How? With the countless things that I lost inside my home during the clean up, between and now I had to learn to let go. It was never easy holding on to the smallest object that held a lifetime of memories but I am working on it. I don’t want to become emotionless to material things because I know that I will have many more that will hold special value in my heart but for now I am doing the best to deal with the things that I lost.
With everything that had happened, us losing our home then moving from place to place and me finally deciding to just leave, I ended up losing another valuable object to me, my childhood doll. I take a hold of the things that my mom has bought me over the years but she in particular meant one thing, money. She was the most valuable thing that I had growing up and that meant that my mom splurged so that I could have her and she was so adorable too. I remember one year in college I snuck her up into my room and hid her away so no one would see that a grown adult still had a baby doll in their possession. I loved the idea of one day passing her down to my own daughter and having her enjoy my Bitty baby and still being within my possession. But things happened and we ended up losing her temporary home and she had to go with it. It didn’t pain me at first but I had a dream about her and only then did it start to hit me hard that I no longer have her with me.
I mean she was my baby, I even wrote my name on her neck upside down because my cousin took her saying that it was her doll when we were younger. To ensure that it would never happen again, I signed my signature on her neck on the back. Sigh. If I could chose between the many poetry and writings, computer stuff, other nerd things and her, I would chose to have her back again, I really would. I just recently have been dealing with this but it’s going easier than I thought. That dream made me cry and I had to wake myself up to stop it but I do understand that things happen for a reason. Why everything happened like it did, I don’t know. Maybe I really have to learn about how to let materialistic things go and to learn that my things and this world will pass away but God won’t. So to everyone and everything I say, I will pray for you I really will. It won’t do me any good to hold grudges against people over stolen and sold items. If God allowed it, He had good reasons for it and I will be okay. I do hope that my doll is okay though and that she’s brightening another girl’s life. <3
And I already know that doing so isn’t good. For starters, I am not dying and I am in pretty okay health conditions. The only thing that is weighing me down is my weight, like literally. I never realized how much I had gained back after I had lost a good bit while in Alabama. Why(how) did I lose weight in Alabama? Well I walked to many of my locations that I needed to but this wasn’t everyday. I only walked to work for like a month in a half but before I got my last job there, I had to walk back and forth to the bus stops. I could catch the one that was in my apartment complex but after a certain time I had to catch another bus and then walk back to my apartment complex and to my home. Hmm, but I loved it. I loved being out on my own even though it wasn’t so smart to leave home with no car and stable job. Yes I know this and learned this lesson in the realest way ever, by living it not only first hand but second hand as well. I knew better but when I left Louisiana, I left angry and determined to be better and to do better.
Anyway, beyond the weight loss from the walking that I did it was the only reason that I was keeping an okay size really. Now, I have gained back what I lost (terribly) and ballooned even more and I am pretty embarrassed about it too. And guess what? It’s like everyone has been letting know that I have gained weight and it’s like, “seriously?” but I don’t get angry or curse because it is what it is. I feel like my weight is always on my mind and I am never comfortable about it. If I could complain about my situation even then after my rant I would still have no excuse to being overweight. Ugh. I do my best not to think about it but after a while, the fast food starts losing its taste and the Dr. Pepper keeps running flatter and flatter but I keep eating it. I believe I have officially reached my stopping point.
With all the reminders that I am fat I am doing my best to ignore the comments and to just go along with it. People don’t consider themselves as being rude but more as being right and having the right to say things to me that are pretty hurtful. I keep going and I am doing the best with what I have so I just ask that people think before the speak but that will never happen. It’s okay though, I know what I have to do in order to feel better and it will be done on MY TIME and not when people feel the need to keep nagging me about it. I know what I gotta do, stay in your lane because I got this. Thank you.