I don’t know what it is about popping fireworks or just watching them that makes me pretty happy. I like to watch those big explosive ones, think they are called canons, in the sky. This fact and I just enjoy spending time with my family but we don’t really get together to pop fireworks anymore. I hope we can go to see some type of New Year’s show after church. I have been looking for a firework show on the leeve but I don’t think they do it for New Years. I see the date for the July 4th show but nothing is mentioned about New Years, man. Hopefully we can find something! I have been trying to hardest to take a good firework picture with my camera but it never comes out right! I’ve been doing some research on different settings that I could use but I haven’t come up with anything. As soon as I get my sites straight I think I am going to make some tutorials for my camera and post them on here. I am going to post how to use different settings of your camera for different things but please bare with me. It wouldn’t be anytime soon though! Have a great New Years and please be safe <3
When think back to this semester, I wish that I never took any classes. I ran out of money so I couldn’t afford to stay on campus so that meant commuting. I commuted my junior year but that was from home and I was able to drive by myself. This semester I had to commute with my mom and sister because my mom was working and we only had one car. I felt like I had made a bad mistake but I couldn’t do anything at that point but continue on. The 8:00 am class caused the most trouble for me since everyone had to be up around 6:00 am to get to Hammond for 8:00 o’clock. I was so tired and I was sharing a room with my mom and sister and it made it difficult to concentrate, when this time I wanted to.
We ended up moving again, staying somewhat closer to school but it still would take an hour to get to Hammond. I had been feeling strange ever since we moved but I never said anything about my feeling. I finally got the chance to talk to someone about that summer and they were helping me discover why things lead up to that point for me…and it was me. I was putting too much on myself and I had somehow taken up the role of “mom” and started worrying about things I couldn’t change or control. I was a college student and I never got the chance to enjoy life because I had been doing this since I was younger. I guess somewhere along the way I felt like it was my duty to stress and worry about life’s mishaps. My efforts to do so backfired and it ended up costing me but I kept going; I never wanted to stop. I started to wonder if college was truly for me or just for my family. Was I in college just so that my family could brag about me? Was I trying to become a doctor to prove how smart I was? What was the real reason I was in college?
I felt like coming back to Hammond would fix everything but then I started thinking about how could I make college work for me. I wanted to go to college for me but every time I went to think about myself, my home life kept rearing its ugly head and I thought I was being selfish for not trying to help my mom. Was I? No, I wasn’t. I just wished that I would realized this fact WAY BEFORE this semester happened for me. I would have saved a lot more money if I would have truly thought about my real intentions for college. I never wanted my main reason for college to be to prove anyone wrong and not even to prove that I was smart. It meant more to me than anything to have college degree. I watched how my mom got ran over with her Associate’s degree so graduating with a Bachelor’s degree was my true goal. I wanted this. I wanted to succeed but even then the effects of college was starting to weigh on me again.
The traveling to Hammond for school and Baton Rouge for work was getting to me. Physics and Chemistry were taking turns dominating me. I spent hours doing homework but the hours I spent ended up not being good enough. There were options to cheat but I just couldn’t do it and as tired as I was, I couldn’t bring myself to put much effort into doing so. I started feeling like I was the biggest burden on my mom. The drive back and forth to Hammond often ended in arguments with my mom about college, how tired I was and how college just wasn’t for me anymore. She never knew what to tell me whenever I tried my best to let her know what I was a failure. I cried so many times about college and the fact that I wasn’t doing so well. Through some good advice I came up with that idea that just needed to move away. At first, I did plan to move to Hammond but then I started to set my eyes back on Alabama. I was able to do a job transfer for another position and I had found a place to stay. When the job and the apartment worked out for me, I thought I was in some type of twilight zone. Nothing this big had ever worked out for me but it was working! I was on my way to Alabama and I was so happy. I was going to finally be free, with no stress or worries…yeah right.
I had gotten back with Christ after some time but it wasn’t a good make up story. Why? While sitting out from my Christian up bringing I noticed and observed a lot of things. I noticed mainly the hypocrisy within the Christian community and how so many were saying that they were “Christians” but living a different lifestyle. How did this have anything to do with me? Just like a child is very impressionable so was I with trying to find the point of my faith. I didn’t want to be a Christian just because my family stressed it and that was my main reason for going astray and trying to find religion on my own. But everything that I was coming to just didn’t make any sense. In college, I would come across people who said that God helped them out with so much but weren’t living a lifestyle that showed so much appreciation for what God did for them. I also came across so many people who were successful, happy and doing well in life but were non-believers of Christ. They were doing fine without religion and it was like nothing was damning them for not being a Christian. So was it possible for me too to live this lifestyle?
I wanted to. Jesus was on the back burner for me and whenever people asked if I believed in God I would say yes but would hope that they didn’t lecture me. I didn’t want to be reminded of our past. I ran into so many Christians that were “okay and content” with living a worldly lifestyle and barely sacrificed anything to live for Christ…but they made it seem like God answered everything for them. This simple fact infuriated me because I felt like I was doing my best to live a Christian lifestyle and God was not answering me for some reason. Why was there a communication block between God and me? I was making myself sick with the religion thing and I just decided to let it go and give God a break. I needed to. I went spiraling and I don’t know who caught me because I never heard the voice of God there whenever it happened. Just with that failed suicide attempt, it was me who calmed myself down and talked myself out of completing it. I often thought about how God probably viewed me and the things that I was going through. I often said that God must have been ignoring me. He was ignoring me and I wasn’t sure why either. I felt like dying was too easy to happen and so since my problems weren’t that bad I had to endure them anyway, just like everyone else.
The many times where I thought God would have shown favor in my life, He didn’t and so I quite often felt like God had failed me. I just needed to figured out, without religion being pushed on me, how God worked and my purpose for existence. Why had I survived the almost suicidal attempt? What was really my purpose and being here? I never found out and I don’t think I will but something also troubled me. I had been doing research on God, Christ and the whole “religion” thing. I remember searching “what if you feel like God has given up on you?” or something to that extent and came across a forum board. One of the comments was to just start living your life without God and to be carefree almost. Though there were other comments about how God loved us, I was more concerned with the one that said to start living your life…and that is what I was aiming for. But I did think about that dream I had about Satan having his eyes on me. If Satan was proven to be real in my dreams then God had to have been real. It wouldn’t make since that Satan could exist and that God couldn’t so therefore God had to be alive and real but it still didn’t help me feel much better. I stopped thinking so much into the whole “religion” thing and started thinking of how I could make things work, without God. Could I?
I didn’t pray for that job that I got but I got it. I never prayed about moving away to Alabama but I was able to do it. I prayed about college and nothing good ever came from it. I prayed and PRAYED about getting a car and I still haven’t managed to get one. And last but not least, I had been praying about my family and our situation since I was young child but nothing ever happened there either. When I was having issues at work, I would pray and it was like the issues would get WORSE but when I didn’t pray, everything was okay. Am I sending up gibberish to God in prayer?! What’s really going on to the point that when you pray, things get WORSE?! What!?! I just decided to just be at an agreement with God and that was I acknowledged Him and that I did love Him but from a distance. I stopped putting so much religion into everything and just stepped back from Him all together. I know that they say that you are not to be ashamed of loving Jesus but for me, it was almost like my Christianity was getting me into so much trouble. I thought about changing religions quite often but then I didn’t know if that would help me out much. I felt it would be best to hide my Christianity so that I wouldn’t draw any attention to me from any lurking demons. Yes I am Christian but please don’t bother me about what God can do for me, especially since it feels like He has truly forgotten about me…so now what?
My first semester of college was in the summer time so to have a break off finally felt good. I wasn’t planning on taking a break that summer though. Because I was running out of financial aid, I didn’t have enough money to cover my classes. I sat around the house all summer because I didn’t have a car and I didn’t have a job but I wanted both. I finally got job in July and I loved working again. The summer went south for me towards the end and I started dealing with some very super lows again. I am not sure how my insecurities started back up again but they did. That summer, I had still been thinking about whether or not I should stop with school to sit out to help my mom. I felt like she really could have used my help even though she never said anything. I just thought that maybe I needed to leave school alone at that point. I had too much on my mind, or better yet “distractions” to truly give Biology the attention that it needed. I was really making it up in my mind that I needed to let the school idea go.
I thought about those who didn’t have college degrees and were making money without them; this could be me. I didn’t need a college degree to be making money and I could get two jobs and just be taking care of myself. Nowadays, it’s like you always hear of someone saying that they have two jobs to support themselves and their families. I thought it would be different for me because I didn’t have any kids and I could easily work, save money and just finally move on from this bad experience that I called college. I felt good about deciding to leave college alone and I let my mom know about this too. Like always, my mom for some reason wasn’t paying me much attention and it was very hard to get pass this fact. We still didn’t have a home of our own and I guess she was constantly trying to figure out what she could do but she never spoke with us about plans. I thought I was helping out as much as I could but things never came off that way so then I just decided to stop worrying and helping with certain things and try to do for my own…getting myself a car.
I have tried so many times to see about getting a car for myself but my plans just never worked out for me. I never realized just how hard it was to get a car. I spent days and nights researching for a car and whenever I asked for help, I never got a response back. This fueled me to make sure that I could do whatever it took to get a car on my own. I wanted help but it was often like no one wanted to help me do this and that hurt me badly. I felt embarrassed being 23 years old, not having a car and not being able to take care of myself. I wanted to do more for me and I wanted to finally be able to take care of myself. All this wanting for me finally started to lead to a big depression especially when I couldn’t get the car. I had went to the dealership thinking I could possible work out something but my luck turned cold. I tried again elsewhere and was still unsuccessful. I tried to bounce myself back, but it was if life kept coming at me from all different angles. It was like my character and my integrity were all being challenged by family members and to have fallen so hard with trying to get a car, the emotions sent me to a very dark place. I didn’t want to BE HERE anymore and I didn’t want to BE HERE WITH THEM. I was done and I wanted to do my best to get away from them and just to be gone forever. My heart felt so awkwardly heavy and I just kept hearing death call my name.
I didn’t care about hurting others at that point, it was only about me helping me to HURT ME and I was facing this all alone. Everything was happening so fast and my planning was quick. Not to mention that every thing leading up to this encouraged my thoughts to end it all. Days before, I had a dream that foreshadowed me doing this and I thought that it was the only way out of my misery. I felt like the dream was a sign for me to go through with my plans. I had made plans to go through with a suicide but whenever it came time to do so, I just didn’t go through with it. Feeling very weak and at no breaking point I just went back to normal but I cried often about what had happened to me that summer. I was constantly fighting internally with myself and making it super hard for me to concentrate on anything else. On one hand, I started telling myself how stupid it was to want to commit suicide while on the other hand I kept thinking about how stupid I was for not going through with the plans. I didn’t want to deal with these hurt feelings anymore but I had no where to go and nothing to turn to so I had to silence all of my pain. Instead of taking time off for the next semester to bounce back after almost going through with my plans, I made a fall semester schedule; that semester ended up being the worse semester ever.
Many of you are wondering why I kept going back to Biology when I was doing so badly in it. It doesn’t make sense to stay in a major that you are doing poorly in because you like it huh. Yeah I started to feel this way too and I often tired myself out with Biology and things surrounding it. I wasn’t thinking and I had no one to turn to for a good reality check but many of this was common sense. I didn’t make sense to stay in the major since I wasn’t doing as well as I should have been and I wasn’t passing classes like I needed to. I kept pushing myself back with retaking classes and I wasn’t seeing any results towards graduating soon. So what could I do? The other majors that I researched for myself just weren’t interesting to me and to have to change your plans so late in the game was so hard on me so I just thought it BEST that I stayed in that major. The BIGGEST reason for staying with Biology was because I had so many credits in the major and I needed to finish college soon. My financial aid was running out and I soon would feel the effects of that.
From extra charges of staying on campus and expensive meal plans I ended up running low on my financial aid. I was taking extra loads like 15+ in credit hours and not doing so well in the classes and having to drop them because of poor performance. I was stuck. I felt like both my financial aid and my major had the strongest hold on me and I couldn’t get out of that contract with either of them. If I finished my major, my GPA wouldn’t be good enough for medical school. If I chose another major that had a totally different curriculum than my Biology major, I wouldn’t be able to financially afford it because my financial aid was running out. I wasn’t sure how to pay for school and I was so stressed out. Having a job and going to school didn’t make me feel too comfortable because I wasn’t putting in work with my Biology degree. That and I just didn’t feel like putting in work for it because I was tired. I had to work for money to pay bills and so I couldn’t possibly see about finding a full time job and going to school at the same time…so then I thought about dropping out…beauty school dropout…
This quote explains how I felt about being a doctor with my grade credentials that I had. I felt like no one would trust me as their doctor if they knew how hard this major was for me. It was embarrassing because when you think about the word “doctor“, many people think of one who is smart and aced all of their classes. Those who were going to be doctors had no struggles in college and usually, most of them had their parents paying for them in school and others had scholarships. I had neither. With all the pressures that I had going on with me I felt like it was fate trying to tell me that I needed to see about dropping out. I had wasted so much time in a major that clearly wasn’t for me and I just was going around in circles with college. I felt like this whole “college life” wasn’t for me and that I needed to leave it alone. I started thinking a lot about dropping out but I also started thinking about how dropping out could really hurt me in the long run, well short run really.
I thought about my mom and her disposition with her degree and how it has hurt her in the long run. Her Associate’s degree just wasn’t enough for her to keep her job and she was often undermined because of it. She too was told something abrupt by the person she went to within her major. She let them know that the burden she had on her with two small children, house bills and just life that it was making it complicated to complete her degree and it was suggested that she just graduate with her Associate’s degree instead. I don’t knock those people who gave their opinions to both my mom and I because we went to them asking for advice. Though the advice wasn’t what we would have hoped for, we acted out based on what we thought was best. I guess it means more to me because this happened at the same university that my mom attended when we were kids. Maybe my Biology major did mean succeeding when others said no instead of whether or not it was the best major for me. I was stressed out just like my mom was with her life during school. I was on the verge of quitting college and I just wanted to work to help my mom. So with the stress of still not being able to get back to Head of Island, I thought silently of how I could help my mom and slowly move away from college…for good.