My College Daze: Finally giving up on God.

One of the reason that I had come home that weekend because I had still agree to be a volunteer helper for Children Church with my mom. I didn’t know what lesson it was until that Sunday. My mom taught the lesson of the Fallen Angel that day and it was an eerie surprise to me. Why? Because all I could do was think back to the dream that I had the night before. I was like, “this is really happening…isn’t it?“. After church and on the way home, I asked my mom about the dream. I asked her what did it mean to have a dream about Satan and she talked to me about it. Though she helped me with the dream, I kind of felt like it meant more than it did and I still feel this way. And like always I couldn’t just let it go and I thought about the dream often. I became nervous and night and I didn’t want to sleep in the dark. I would feel pretty scared when my roommate wasn’t home and I would sleep with my lamp on too. I was starting to become more and more paranoid because I felt like I was watching for Satan everywhere I went cause like in the dream I felt like he was watching me. I felt like praying was useless and so I was helpless to whatever Satan had for me now.

I remember the weeks before my Chemistry final exam how I was praying and crying yet again and having my Grandmother to pray with me and give me encouraging words with this course. I wasn’t sure why I just wasn’t getting this Chemistry material and I really took the failings pretty hard. So hard in fact I remember walking into my Chemistry final with some faith and walking out with the most strangest headache and anger towards God that I had ever had. I was done with God for good and I meant that. At that very moment I just decided to stop believing in God and His Son Jesus. I was through with them and this so called faith thing. How was it that I asked for something so small and got nothing in return? When you let others in the class cheat and I didn’t? What kind of God am I serving if this is what you get for at least being faithful?! I was mocking God up and down and I just had enough of Him and so I stop believing. I was headed for a rude awaken for that summer and the things that I had planned. I had to watch my plans burn right in front of me and it lead me to make some very unclear and quick decisions…but were they the best though? And until this very day, I still cannot answer that but we will see.

My College Daze: Beginning to turn away from God

I started to make myself physically sick with this religion and faith thing. The more that I prayed, the less that I believe and I felt like I was giving God the run around. I thought I was praying to Jesus whenever bad things came up but then again I am not sure who I was praying to, I was so confused. I didn’t trust my prayer because I didn’t see results. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Jesus anymore and I wasn’t sure how I felt about God anymore either. They both had failed me and left me to be alone but for some reason, the “GOOD PERSON” in me always wanted to go to church. I felt like my pastor had some strong words and whenever I would go I would instantly be rejuvenated by the word but it didn’t last. I was trying to stop from sulking but then again I just couldn’t help it. I was going in circles and I just couldn’t think.

I tried to hold on and I always would think back to the story of Job of how he went through EVERYTHING and NEVER left the side of God. That story was always my motivation but just wasn’t a good enough reason for me to relax. It was like I was an alcoholic who was getting drunk off depression but then running away to church to try to find my solace and nothing every filled this void. One week I trusted God and the next I didn’t. This continued to happen until I got one of the most scariest revelations in a dream which was Satan was REAL and he had his eyes on me. When I woke up from the dream, all I could do was cry because I felt like I was doomed to fail now. I mean, since Satan was watching me as closely as he was then I really didn’t have any way out of his strong hold. Did I go off and start partying and drinking? Having sex and doing drugs? No, but I was often tempted to be rebellious. But I did from my own mouth after this semester say that I was done with God and religion.

I remember that I was home for the weekend whenever I had this dream. The amount of stress that I was under was crazy and I never imagined myself being this stressed out, EVER. I often reread this dream and tears still flow for me. It hurts. It hurts to know that Satan does have his eyes on me and at that very point I felt like there was nothing more for me to do because this battle was already lost. How was I sure that the man was that man, Satan? Could I have been under so much stress that I misinterpreted that dream? Even when I write this, I still start to shed some tears cause it just was so scary for me. I am hurt and have been hurting from this for a while now but what made things even worse for me was when I had the reassurance that it was him. I was able to confirm my superstitions about who the man was in my dream later that day at church and it was so strange how it all played out for me too.

My College Daze: Searching for God and peace

At the time, I didn’t have anyone to confide in that had a clearer head than me. I went to some friends for guidance but they made me feel worse. Trying to figure out how to do better in school and the fact that, “God will work it out for you…” just was starting to drive me a little crazy. I felt like I didn’t have time to pray and I was miserable during this semester. Why was it so hard for me to clear my head? I was always coming home on the weekends to get away from my stressful classes but I was inserting myself back into my home life. Coming home sometimes gave me false inspiration to finish college. I could barely talk to my mom because she was dealing with her own issues and I didn’t want to bother her. But I did let her know that I was serious about moving. I had been keeping in contact with admissions and I had been doing research about what I needed to do to get in as a transfer student. I did realize that going to an out of state college was more expensive and that made me worry. I had already sent an unofficial transcript to the admissions department and it was checked to make sure that my credits would transfer for me and everything was okay on that end. I wasn’t working at the time and coming across a job was very hard to do. The only money I got was my refund checks and I wasn’t so smart with them either.

I found money for my application fee somehow but how was school going for me? Chemistry was NOT my friend. We hated each other, or at least that is how I was made to believe. I underestimated this course I guess. I was so used to breezing through Chemistry in high school that I figured I would just be applying what I already knew. Chemistry, well college Chemistry is on a whole ‘nother level and now I see that you really have to work with this subject in order to get it. I didn’t understand that I felt like the little work that I was doing was okay and that would be enough to get me through. WRONG. I never had time to study this subject like one should in order to get a decent passing grade. I was in an Art class that was 3 hours on two days that also required a lot of work. I remember when I messed up one of my Art projects because I simply missed what the teacher was saying and of course she put me on blast for that too. Might I add, my listening skills started depleting after my freshmen year of college. It was almost like I had gone deaf to common sense and how to pay attention to detail.

In class though, I felt like the concepts on Chemistry wasn’t that hard to understand so I felt like I would be okay on the test. Haa ha not so much. As I had mentioned before, me and my faith were at wits ends with each other. I thought I could find God this semester while balancing school, my emotions and other things but I just couldn’t do it. There were many times when I just didn’t want to go to church. I wasn’t seeing results so why am I still here? I started getting upset with the church and its people. Could no religious leader see that I was going through things internally? No one in the church could sense that? Not even my own family members who were said to be so close to God, even YOU couldn’t see my frustrations? I was taking my issues out on everyone and blaming God for everything that was going wrong. I got tired of waiting for God to make a move and I felt like He could of at least I don’t know done something.

My College Daze: My first mistake…taking 19 credit hours.

7 classes. 19 hours. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I figured it would be easy since in high school we used to take 7 classes a day anyway and so this should not be as complicated as other people are really making it out to be. Real talk, I was trying to hurry up and graduate because I was really starting to hate college at that point. I never felt like I was in the right place that I needed to be and I felt like I needed to either change that or leave it alone. After this semester though, dropping out was my first and only choice at that point and I wouldn’t look at any other option. Well there was the option for me to move…but…

That ton of bricks that I placed on my shoulders played a big role in my many mishaps that semester. Since I started feeling like moving away was possible, I started ignoring the screw ups and just was like, “I am moving away soon so I will fix it there” but that never happened. I started listening to music that was from a fouler tone as well as watching videos that were from darker and deeper places. Never before was I okay with vulgar music and the “f-bomb” but it soon became native to me and I wasn’t bothered by it. I felt like I was around people who cursed more than anything and I allowed their presence. I felt like if I did kindly ask them to please stop with the cursing, it would get me shunned or once again told that I needed to “grow up and deal with it“. I’ve had alcohol but it was never in surplus amounts. I did fear that if I didn’t loosen up a bit, that I wouldn’t be able to get the attention of the guys that I wanted because they would see me as being up tight and not laid back.

I struggled with those issues for the longest. I never felt comfortable being a so called “bad girl” or at least trying to approach it. My niceness often was understood as fake(ness) and so was my quiet nature too. I admit, there were many days where I just didn’t have anything to say. No matter how many times that I would say that I wasn’t shy, I guess that I am. My mind went back on my family, I was thinking about moving, I was thinking about rushing to graduate (hence the 16 hours last semester and 19 hours this semester) and I was thinking about love and falling into it. I thought if love wanted me then it would come to me, never being told that I had to often go to it. But in my defense, I mentioned before I wasn’t taught this stuff but I was always expected to just wake up one morning knowing it. That and I thought that my Grandmother said that the Bible said…”a man findeth a woman…-Proverbs 18:22” so I waited. And I waited. And……I waited, and guess what happened? Nothing.

My College Daze: But where was my faith in all of this?

When I started college, I felt like I was okay with my Christianity. Before college, I would hear stories from pastors and religious leaders about their experiences in college. They thought since many of them came from religious backgrounds then they would be shielded from whatever evil would come their way…and they were wrong. If anything, temptation hit them THE MOST. I come from a very faithful family who would not take “no praise” as an answer, my Grandmother being the strongest of all of us. When I tell people stories of my Grandmother, they automatically think she is mean. They also thought about how difficult it must have been growing up around her when wasn’t but there were many times when her words would sting deeper than a venomous bite. Growing up, God was all that I knew and it was nothing more; no confidence, no self esteem, just God. I always was the one to do the RIGHT things and never anything less and when I would do bad things I would feel real bad about it and I would take it really hard. I often was left in confusion when other family members would nag me about things of life that didn’t have anything to do with God. For example, my weight and my appearance were just a few and whenever I would run to the one person who I thought could fix it but couldn’t.

I was confused many times growing up around my family. I felt like serving God was, at times, the best thing for me and for some reason when I first got baptized, I felt like God heard me more than any other time in my life. I felt like I would mentally ask for something from God and it was done for me. I still struggled with many other issues that I was too afraid to ask God to help me with because I felt like they were selfish needs. I really didn’t like praying about my mom’s financial situation because I was always under the impression that that was the most selfish thing to ask for. It’s like I have mentioned before, I was never allowed to be sad or to have sad feelings really. Whenever I would start to talk to someone about something, the person’s rebuttal would be “oh there are people in Africa staving“, “somebody died today, you should be thankful to be alive“, or “most people don’t even have what you have Alexa, so you are doing better“. So I would really be embarrassed for trying to vent my feelings off and I would just forget about asking God for better things for my family. Though I remember making many prayers to Him about it, I figured they never got answered because I didn’t have too much confidence in my prayer and on top of that, I felt so bad for asking for it. And even now I still feel bad for asking God for many things because I feel like I have been conditioned not to be selfish and even with my prayer.

My freshmen year I really don’t remember me struggling with my faith in God that much. I do remember being lonely sometimes and I would often call my mom and Grandmother for a conversation. And every time I would call my Grandmother she would encourage me with words of wisdom and prayer. In fact, it was this semester (my freshmen) that she gave me the Bible verse “1 Corinthians 10:13” which goes like, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV“. That verse stuck to me more than any other verse she had given me at the moment. I really felt like that scripture had power and that it meant that I could get myself into some tight situations but I would be able to wiggle myself out…unfortunately this was never the case for me. I got myself into some tough spots but I never was able to make it out. I often thought I was being too hard on myself because yes I made it out, but I never finished like I wanted to and that was always the biggest disappointment to me. But why did I bring up the whole faith and me thing? Because it just seemed like no matter how hard I prayed about studying and being able to pass a test, it just never seemed to get through. I would go through the motions of listening to secular music cause I wanted to just relax but then feeling like in order to get an answer from God then I had to listen to Gospel music. One weekend it was one type of music and the next weekend it was the other; I couldn’t deal. But there were times when it just didn’t feel so right and I got scared and instead of being understood for my choices I was often called a “baby” and told that I needed to “grow up” and that didn’t make the struggle feel any better.

There were many times through my college years where it seemed like Jesus appeared and tried to get my to come on home but I just didn’t want to. I needed to but I didn’t want to. It was crazy though how God would use the biggest sinner to deliver a message to me. And I felt like it was even crazier that these same people could party, curse and sin way more than me but whenever they said “Jesus please” it was done for them but I had to work to get what felt like the smallest nudge from God. I would go to church so many times and pray but I just wasn’t feeling that close to God. I figured I was praying wrong too. The year of my sophomore year in college was the worse one yet because there I truly decided that if I couldn’t get pass to God then I was going to leave His side…and it was that spring semester when I did. That had to be one of the most scariest times in my life because as dramatic as it may seem, I thought that I was going to die through either self harm or something else. Too fed up and confused with God to pray about it and too forewarned by my dreams that something was going to happen to me that I just decided to let life take its course…I was on the path to no where and I was truly alone.