I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately, really not lately but since I quit my first job and the waiting period that I had to go through until something else opened up. It wasn’t bad enough that I had been having dreams almost really foreshadowing, what I thought, was to come so I have been heavily paranoid. With no one to talk to I did my best to remain cool and to let at least someone know what I was dealing with but it was always a relief that was never a relief but more of a misunderstanding which upset me even more. I am not dying but I do feel like I am working overtime to get something that shouldn’t be so hard but for me it is. But living on my own and supporting myself BY MYSELF has been the least in the enjoyment area for me and I am taking it pretty hard. So for some months, I’ve been dealing with the fear of me having to go back home and the horrible pains of failure. It’s been killing me to the point where I call my mother often and vent and rant and this past Friday was the worse.
I was just so upset and really that entire day seemed to be off for everyone really. I was getting crazy/rude customers and then some employees seemed to be dealing with issues too. I called my mom on my lunch break to vent and though the talk with my mom didn’t make me feel any better I just went back into work and continued the day. It wasn’t until Saturday when a co-worker asked if I wanted to go to the movies. Nothing that I really wanted to see was out and I like scary movies but nothing was out yet. We decided to go and see The Fault in Our Stars. I don’t really do “chick-flicks” and I don’t like to cry during heart felt movies not that I don’t cry but I just I don’t know, I rather not but this was one that almost caught me in many scenes. I really wasn’t expecting to see it but it was really better than I was thinking it would be. I saw the commercial for the movie once but I really didn’t pay too much attention to it. But like I mentioned before, I am glad we chose to go and see this movie. This isn’t going to be a spoiler post but more so as a post related to me.
While watching this movie, I was just able to sympathize with Hazel Grace and her situation. Everyday was a struggle for her and she often wished to have a normal life, meaning having more than just a day or two without having to deal with the fear of having an episode or just the simple fact of wanting to be cancer free. Facebook is bigger than its ever been and with that you see a lot of pages for people whether it is a business, celebrity or support page. With many of the support pages, I do see pages for those who have cancers and diseases and I have liked many of the pages in showing support myself. But I also see the hurtful comments, and the people who feel like these people dealing with their issues AREN’T anymore special than the average person. And yeah I understand how they may feel too but really, the average person who is moderately healthy DOES NOT have to live in fear of an embarrassing episode or not being able to breath normally, in Hazel Grace’s condition. It is true you often see those with cancers and diseases being more willing to live life more care freely than those who aren’t affected with anything. Why is that? Even though they may wake up and their last moment may be at any second, they are STILL willing to smile and to not want to be sad all the time.
And it’s okay to be sad and to feel the feelings that you are feeling but it gets pretty tough having to bottle things up and not having anyone who really cares about you to talk to and that’s what is happening to me. I feel like there are so many people accomplishing the things that I want and are going for with ease and for me it’s not that way. I feel like I’ve hit EVERY obstacle in the road there is but for the life I me I didn’t understand why I kept going. I was and am ready to quit. I am ready to quit because I am tired of not being able to obtain the most harmless things that I’ve been working for…and it hurts. But with this movie I saw a hero in Hazel Graze and how she also managed to keep pushing through as well even though her attempts led to many heartaches and heart breaks. She’s a fighter both her and Gus and the movie just really knocked me back down to somewhat of a sanity. No I don’t like failing (NO ONE DOES) and it is that very concept that has been sending me to bed in tears because I wanted the things that I was working towards to work out SO BADLY for me that I think I ended up driving myself crazy just a bit. I just felt like, after watching this film, that what I was going for WAS worth it…again. I’m not 100% happy of the road bumps but I was told that they make what you are working for and towards better appreciated. I often figured when people told me that, that it meant that I wasn’t appreciative enough and it often drove me crazy too.
For the next few weeks, I am going to be working on dealing with the events going on in my life and how to better cope with setbacks. Another thing that I loved about this film was the fact that it was loaded with awesome quotes and one of them was, “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” and I can definitely relate to it but I truly hope to be able to bounce back and start trying again. Hope everyone has a great week and see you soon.