I struggled so much with trying to get back to sleep, well to sleep period this morning so I didn’t wake up until late in the day. My momma and sister made sure to remind me that it was my birthday and sent me their wishes and love. It’s pretty tough being away from them and Louisiana in general. I never thought I would be able to make a move like this and I am still thinking about how I did. Thankful that it happened but still contemplating if it should have. Things haven’t been going so brightly as I would have hoped and planned for myself and I am just taking the blows pretty harshly. I am starting to go back into my old ways of thinking and I ma just not motivated anymore to do things. I feel stuck but in a way I am not sure how to move either. I have been telling me, trying to do the best with encouraging myself, to keep going and that this move was NOT in vain but it hasn’t been easy. And I guess because I have been reminding myself of what I DIDN’T have verses what I DO have and the more that I think about it, the happier I become. I may not have what I want right now and at this moment but I am still very much BLESSED.
It gets tiring hearing people (especially those who have what you want…) who keep telling you that you need to, “hold on” and “you’re going to make it” when all those things that you are fighting for just seem to be so far out of your reach. But I just had to believe. I had to start believe for me again and with that little spark of voice inside of me that DOES tell me it’s worth it and that it is going to happen I do keep going. And for me to have graciously made it to the age of 24, with everything that I put myself through (mentally and emotionally), is nothing but a blessing. I remember, really 12 years ago because it was starting to happen at the age of 12, that I was on a what seemed like never ending spiral of depression that I hid away and it always seemed to come back within the years. So that very fact that I am so lucky to see the age of 24 is a blessing to me; for God sparing my life and being the voice of reason whenever I did try to end it all. I don’t have too much to say and I have never been the one for a million words. Earlier in the day, I got two zebra cakes and stuck some candles in them and sang “Happy Birthday” to myself and just wished that this would be the LAST time…for this downward emotional spiral that I am always seeming to hop on. I am ready, so ready, to move forward in life and with the rest of my journey. God’s will be done; I am tired of fighting Him and I am tired of fighting myself. I will say, for the longest, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid of success because I never knew how I could, deal with it. I’ve been running from it and the thought of being successful in life and I’ve been convincing myself that is was NEVER for me and that’s not true. I just have to say that, I am done. I am tired of running now and I am ready to start. I am ready to start making the wrongs, the rights. I am very eager for tomorrow and I am ready to start making a change, a POSITIVE change. I am so loved and I am so happy to be celebrating (well not really celebrating) my 24th birthday on today. Be blessed and I will be making some changes to the site and updating many things soon…probably even after I post this. :) Good night.