Officially 24, Happy Birthday to Me.

I struggled so much with trying to get back to sleep, well to sleep period this morning so I didn’t wake up until late in the day. My momma and sister made sure to remind me that it was my birthday and sent me their wishes and love. It’s pretty tough being away from them and Louisiana in general. I never thought I would be able to make a move like this and I am still thinking about how I did. Thankful that it happened but still contemplating if it should have. Things haven’t been going so brightly as I would have hoped and planned for myself and I am just taking the blows pretty harshly. I am starting to go back into my old ways of thinking and I ma just not motivated anymore to do things. I feel stuck but in a way I am not sure how to move either. I have been telling me, trying to do the best with encouraging myself, to keep going and that this move was NOT in vain but it hasn’t been easy. And I guess because I have been reminding myself of what I DIDN’T have verses what I DO have and the more that I think about it, the happier I become. I may not have what I want right now and at this moment but I am still very much BLESSED.

It gets tiring hearing people (especially those who have what you want…) who keep telling you that you need to, “hold on” and “you’re going to make it” when all those things that you are fighting for just seem to be so far out of your reach. But I just had to believe. I had to start believe for me again and with that little spark of voice inside of me that DOES tell me it’s worth it and that it is going to happen I do keep going. And for me to have graciously made it to the age of 24, with everything that I put myself through (mentally and emotionally), is nothing but a blessing. I remember, really 12 years ago because it was starting to happen at the age of 12, that I was on a what seemed like never ending spiral of depression that I hid away and it always seemed to come back within the years. So that very fact that I am so lucky to see the age of 24 is a blessing to me; for God sparing my life and being the voice of reason whenever I did try to end it all. I don’t have too much to say and I have never been the one for a million words. Earlier in the day, I got two zebra cakes and stuck some candles in them and sang “Happy Birthday” to myself and just wished that this would be the LAST time…for this downward emotional spiral that I am always seeming to hop on. I am ready, so ready, to move forward in life and with the rest of my journey. God’s will be done; I am tired of fighting Him and I am tired of fighting myself. I will say, for the longest, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid of success because I never knew how I could, deal with it. I’ve been running from it and the thought of being successful in life and I’ve been convincing myself that is was NEVER for me and that’s not true. I just have to say that, I am done. I am tired of running now and I am ready to start. I am ready to start making the wrongs, the rights. I am very eager for tomorrow and I am ready to start making a change, a POSITIVE change. I am so loved and I am so happy to be celebrating (well not really celebrating) my 24th birthday on today. Be blessed and I will be making some changes to the site and updating many things soon…probably even after I post this. :) Good night.

He is RISEN!

“Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?”

-John 11:25, 26 KJV

Happy Resurrection Day and be BLESSED!

Going to post some photos and another blog soon. Stay tuned.

Slowly detaching myself, from Social Media.

I am not trying to go out with a BIG BANG though but I do want to make it happen. When you’re alone, you have a lot of time to think and to think about the things you are doing and what you are involved in. I am not saying that I am into something really bad because that is not the case. I just guess I am tired of being attached or better feeling like I am. I remember whenever I have tried before in the past to move away from social media and I always kept coming back. I felt bad for always being the one who deleted their account only to make another some weeks or months later because I saw something interesting. Hmm. At this point, like I mentioned before, I just feel like the real reasons I was on there weren’t for any good. Rather so, it was me at many times, following my emotions instead of brain. And now that I am growing up and growing smarter, I just see a good bit of myself detaching away from the need for attention and the need for others to notice me and see me. I don’t have a photo or status to post everyday and kudos to those who do. Nor do I use my timeline to vent and rant about the government or people in general. I can scroll my timeline in some disgust seeing certain things that I don’t like and the many immature games they play on Instagram and I know that someone would say to just “delete” or “un-friend” them but that…I don’t know let me try to better formulate something to say about that case.

Now that I am growing older and I am finding better ways to cope with the many issues that I had (though still struggling I am able to better deal with them) I just feel myself and that need to “lurk” and “search” going out the door. I feel like I have all these social networks but they are not really helping me to be, more sociable. Though I cannot deny the fact that I am just “naturally quiet” I too see that part of me has carried over to my many accounts. That, and it’s almost like society as a whole has gone crazy meaning people have no limits or boundaries. Everybody wants to be famous; everybody wants to have attention. It’s like one person can say one something, then only to have it turned around and said in a million different ways and people do this so many times with graphics too. I guess because I started out on the Internet as a graphic designer and with Myspace, I can remember whenever someone would make something (something unique) and then you would see others come up behind them and either remix their ideas (slightly) or just steal the whole thing. Back then, (and I am by no means someone who is old) people would call you out for stealing ideas and such. Nowadays, I see a crappy graphic with only a few seconds later for someone to perfect it…hmm. And back then too, it seemed like many people would call you out for being “late” with the news. Now people will go so far into the past only to pull out something old that’s really new. Hmm, HMM!

As for me, I am pretty tired of the fame seekers. And not shade whatsoever to those who are using social networks and have a lot of followers. For me, seeing that many people on a timeline gets annoying and I can get aggravated real easy with that. There’s no mute button on these social network sites (for the record my follower’s count I have less than 100, even less than 50 on some accounts)! LOL Anyway like I stated before, I am not trying to make any statement and nothing is wrong with me other than the fact that I feel like I am pretty much over the hype with them all. And no, I am not saying that I am going to delete them all either. I am most definitely going to keep my Flickr account and most MOST definitely will keep my ColourLOVERS account too. The other 10+ aren’t being used and I don’t have any use for them anymore. I guess I created them because I really thought that I was going to be a graphic designer and with a passion waited to get out there more. I finally realized how much I was not really interested in waiting for designing gigs and how much power I put into becoming a “famous” graphic designer and that this would soon happen for me. It got old. It got old waiting for something to happen and for me I guess I got tired of not putting what I needed to into graphic designing. I came to learn that I WASN’T going to be interested in sitting in front of a computer all day and that I wanted more to life than just being a local graphic designer. More importantly, I was tired of hiding behind a computer waiting for the “IT” whatever it may have been to happen.

Anyway, I like social media I really do. Many of it has been a good way for me to meet some people, two of them having very long relationships in my life (well sort of and I will write about that later). Anyway, I really hope that I can make it an easy transition! I don’t want to get suckered into something only to have myself BACK on some of these sites! This will not being done overnight because when I’ve tried that before I was ready to get back on! It’s going to be happening over a period of time and hopefully I can move past the Internet and get into more of the things that I like to do, beyond the computer. I remember at one point and time it seemed like checking apps, then feeling guilty for checking every (what truly seemed like) hour and deleting them soon after in hopes to decrease my addition. It was crazy! It may not seem like a true addiction but I often felt so obligated to check on what other people were doing! It was crazy and I felt like it was getting out of hand for me. Yeah I know that social media can also help with potentially increasing your site traffic but like I said before, I don’t care about that stuff anymore. I would really like to start detaching myself away from the Internet, with the exception of my blog because I really enjoying having it. Anyway, that was a friendly post that I had on my mind to do for a while now, so yeah. PEACE.

My first University of Alabama tour!

I woke up this morning a little before my alarm and I thanked God for waking me up this morning. Still feeling quite sluggish and down in the dumps I just decided that getting out and getting a very fresh breath of air would do me some good. I had been thinking about going to the University of Alabama for the longest but I never thought that I would actually make it out here. I should really be pinching myself for a dream come true but it’s been working into a nightmare with the anxiety that I have with the current issues that I am in. I am stuck and I am stuck on fear and it seems no matter how much I try to get pass it I can’t. Anyway I don’t want to harbor over what’s wrong but rather what I tried to make feel right, college again. Because, like I have mentioned before, I am seriously thinking about dropping out of college and just calling it quits. As I will finish My College Daze post, you will see why. I feel like I am beating a dead horse with this college thing. I could hear a million motivational speakers and still feel like I wasted my time with college.

The reason I thought going today would make me feel somewhat better was because I was planning on using some psychology on myself. I guess that one semester as a Psychology major wasn’t working in my favor too much today because the smart trick didn’t work. I figured if I saw other students attending class and within my major I may feel rejuvenated to come back to school with a positive attitude this time around. I even made plans (because I searched it before hand) to go to the Biology building and just try to soak it up…I got nothing. You know how many younger girls (well not in this day and age, all these kids out here acting a mess but way back when whenever good morals were instilled in the youth) who aren’t into boys and being fast and wearing make-up would all of a sudden have a run in with that one or two girls who would clown them for now being well “grown up” enough and they would suddenly change and start being into boys and being fast and things like that? Same thing with guys. And also those people who see others being noticed and they think that acting like the person who is noticed (taking one of their many quality traits I guess) and start acting like them? These are both bad examples of being influenced but! But I really thought that I could just get something whenever I was on the campus and I did feel a little something when I was walking through the Biology building but as soon as it came, it faded quickly.

I took some pictures. Some. This campus is really big and their halls are stadiums as my sister said and that is true. I was like, “why are these buildings so big!?” and the library! Ugh it was like 5+ floors and I was like, “really?” but it was amazing none the less. I was pretty tired (feet wise) when I reached the Biology building and oh did I mention they have museums too?! How is this all funded?! Oh my gosh man! And like a million buses and what not! Their Greek organizations have big houses too and I was just in awe. It was pretty neat but I am going to go back again next week to get more photos. I take the bus and so I didn’t want to have to walk longer than needed but the tour was awesome. I think when I am really ready, I am going to have to get a tour guide to help me out with the campus! I saw a tour being conducted and I wanted to jump in with the group and just start walking with them! They would have never noticed! But yeah, I am going to post the photos soon and start working on the rest of the My College Daze posts.

I need a occupant! But what?…a pet!

Yes I do realize the word “occupant” is referring to another person but for this post, it will be referring to a pet. So! Why am I asking for something new to help with my extra time? I have been looking at pets for a long time and I really haven’t come to a really good choice for myself. I have always been a fish type of person, really my momma got me into fish at a young age. I remember being a keeper of a plenty of fish in my younger days and I just really liked the idea of keeping them around. I’ve only had a big aquarium whenever I was like what, around 7 or 8 years old but yeah. I have been keeping fish as pets for now but since I moved and I wasn’t able to come to Alabama with all of my things, meaning I had to leave my growing aquarium at home. The last three fish (because I had four total) I had died and I was mad but my black Betta fish survived and I am happy about that. I actually, super happy, found that Betta fish being said that they hate everyone are compatible with Tetras. Though I was so close to testing this theory (that I heard from the lady that owns the fish place in Hammond and the name of the place is Ken’s Tropical Fish and I think they sell snowballs too) we had to move. Sigh…but yeah. I will start my fish tank back up soon but until then, I would really like an animal that is a good pet for me.

I don’t want a dog and I don’t want a cat; I don’t want anything that will try to kill me or chew my face off (cause some of y’all people CRAZY! be housing lions and tigers and python snakes as pets!!! NO MA’AM!!!). After giving it a lot of thought, something brought my attention to a chameleon as a pet! The idea would be so original and I like being original and I feel like chameleons are original in themselves! I’ve been reading up on them for quite some time but I still have more research to do. Like whether or not they would make a good pet for me. From basic knowledge, I wouldn’t have to worry about him going off and going through my neighbor’s trash or pooping in their lawn. The more I think about it the happier I become! I really think I want to move on this chameleon pet thing for me! Don’t know where in Alabama I could find one but I am going to be doing more research on them to see and I will let you know! For now, enjoy my lil’ homie Pascal from the Disney movie Tangled.

Picture credit: Wallpaper downloader
Picture credit: Furry Talk