Name of the song: So long
Name of the artist: Kierra Sheard
I think it is good to say that my mother is my main source for new Gospel songs. I really wish I could find and listen to more and more than I do but I guess it takes time. YouTube has helped me out with this too. I remember browsing on YouTube a while back in my Senior year of staying on campus for different Kierra Sheard songs. I luckily came across the song, “So long” from Kierra. This so is simply beautiful and it talks about how we as one can let so much worldly influence get into out way and we then end up neglecting God and forgetting about Him. We soon are so quick to ask, “where did you go Lord?” “did you forget about me?” and this was something that I struggled with many times during my college years. I was always under the impression that God had left me and that I was all alone. I felt dumb for trying to go back to Him because I didn’t want it to be like I was begging for Him to be in my life now that things were going wrong. I was torn. No one will ever understand how much it hurt for me to get back to God because I felt like me going back and forth with Him would soon get old and I just didn’t want to hurt Him like that,…so I stayed away.
I am, in the process, of getting back to Him and this time I plan on staying with Him. I remember whenever I was younger and I first got baptist-ed. I felt like God and I were in the best of relationship because the things that I asked for happened for me, even at a young age I felt like I could ask for something and it be done. Now, now that I am older I feel such a disconnect with the Lord, as if I am on a journey to find Him again and find Him and His love for myself. I know that I love the Lord but I also know that I need to feel like I love the Lord and I am still in a trial with getting back to Jesus and having Him back in my life. I know He loves me but I don’t know why I feel so bad whenever it comes to going back to ask Him for something. I never liked being taking advantage of by people and so I tried my hardest not to do it to others and now, I see that I tried my hardest not to take advantage of Jesus like many people have done. So I then just felt like it was best to leave God alone. This song really correlates with how I was feeling and how I have been feeling. It has been my ringtone on my phone for the LONGEST! Since last year! I love it and it fits so well that I can’t change it. Anyway, this is a great song with a smooth R&B tone to it, but listen to the lyrics because you may find that the song is relating to you too. Be blessed.
With that said, I started thinking that I needed to start over and at another college too. I figured by me moving I could focus better on my school work and just finally be away from the situation that I was desperately trying to fix. I wanted to go to an out of state college to complete my degree like I had my heart set on doing. I started thinking about moving ALL that semester and I really wasn’t thinking about anything else. I had my eyes set on Auburn University to complete the rest of my degree. I started searching Auburn University on the web like crazy. I was searching their Graphic Design program and their Pre-Optometry program and just got excited. Now wait, how did I even find out about Auburn University? Because before when I was doing research looking for places to finish an Optometry degree, states like California (where I REALLY REALLY wanted to go), Tennessee, New York, Florida and Alabama came up. I decided that I wanted to stay in the south to finish school. I figured it made since to already be within a state where I could finish my degrees and then attend the Optometry school.
Whenever I would screw up grade wise at Southeastern, I felt like it I could make it up at Auburn. That is really all I talked about as soon as I started doing more and more research on this campus. I was so pumped and ready to go for Auburn! But as you can see, I had too many feelings invested into this college as if going would solve the home problems and issues that were going on. I felt like by me moving I could get myself out of the situation that I was in and sooner or later feel better. Though I often felt like I didn’t deserve the nicer things that I got knowing that my family weren’t getting something either, I didn’t know how to give up on nagging them and pressuring them to do better. I finally felt like Alexa had to do better for Alexa and maybe if they saw me then they would follow…sadly I never got to see this thought put to actions. Either way, I was ready to go to Auburn. But unfortunately with the lack of self motivation and determination I was pushed further behind with my moving to Auburn University goals but I was still determined to go! I felt like I had a plan, a purpose and more importantly, I felt like I was handling MY business…so then why did I fail?
Well this semester seemed liked it would be fun…NOT. Now that I look back I see that I had 6 classes worth 16 hours all together and I truly could have done better. I got tired, lazy and I loss motivation. I started wanting a change. What all went on for me in this semester? Well how was that home life of mine that I have been mentioning for some time? Not good. Though my mom still had her job, money still ran close to nothing at times and I just couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t understand how one could have a job, get paid and still not have money. At that time, my sister was working as well but she soon loss her job. Two incomes were coming into the house but only one person was really doing much and that was my mom. I didn’t like going home on the weekends and seeing my mom like she was. She looked like she was pass the point of depression and nothing seemed to be working right. Bills were getting unpaid and food was running close to nothing in the house but we never went hungry.
Money seemed to be getting tight and basically just disappearing. We had money for fast food but not much for bills and that upset me. I often saw myself as the level headed one and when I tried to help, it didn’t do much and got me fussed at. I admit, I was eating fast foods along with them too but I just felt like somebody had to say something. It wasn’t making sense where most of the small money was going. We weren’t dying and we were okay and just lived other wise but me…I hated seeing us like we were. I always felt like we could have strive(d) for better but I just was always made to believe that better was never for me. This was the impression that I would always get from my mom and sister about our situation and how I just felt like we all could do more, but my passion was always silenced.
On top of that, I was trying to manage being a sophomore in college who was double majored into Graphic Arts and Biology. I thought that I could do it. I was thinking that Graphic Design was just computer savvy stuff and me working more with Photoshop and Illustrator. I was wrong. Those visual art classes really got me! They weren’t hard but just imagine teaching yourself visual type concepts on top of learning about how viruses are formed and making your own slides for Micro…yeah. And did I study much? No! I was tired! I was tired from those 3 hour classes and whenever I would get home on the weekend, I would just relax and sleep! I often complained to my mom about me being so lazy and not pushing myself hard enough but I just kept on at it. That semester though I really did enjoy my Microbiology lab and my Art 105 (art survey) class. These classes really made me wish that you could just take a class without having to be graded or having to get tested for knowledge.
I was starting to scare myself more and more out of Southeastern with the double load that I placed upon myself. My grades weren’t looking too attractive and I was getting distracted by OTHER things as well. I wanted to get out and do more things in college but whenever I thought about it, I still didn’t know where to start. I was still pretty quiet and I didn’t feel too comfortable being around certain people or things so I figure it would be best to protect me…and stay away from everything as mentioned before. I still hadn’t managed to break my fear of speaking openly yet and I wasn’t sure how I was going to go about accomplishing the things that I wanted to do in college without starting somewhere. I do noticed that I made friends pretty easily in class that semester and I was happy about that but I started wanting more. I wanted to start speaking more!…but not too much. I knew what I didn’t like and what I did like and trust me many people gave off real bad vibes but I stayed in their presence and dismissed it as a fear coming from me. So how could I branch out more?