I am a horrible blogger.

I am also really bad at keeping up with people with blog hopping and returning comments. It just seems like I can never get it together to pull strength out of me to do so. I feel like I should be doing better with this “blogging thing” but it not working out like I would like it to. That, and I really feel like I don’t have time to sit and blog, read and comment like I want to. I know it seems like I am making time to blog but do realize, as I mentioned before, I am pre-write my post (unless I really need to rant) so that I can at least have something up. It has been the most effective way I can think of to keep my site somewhat active. Between the long days of work and school, whenever I get home I am so sleepy that my eyes start moving around in slow motion. You know what I mean right? When you are so tired that when you move your head around it feels like you are seeing things like slow motion almost? Well yeah that it what I am talking about. But anyway wait, I was about to say something…(I am sleepy right now but I am pushing everything in me to make some posts)

Ugh I forgot it but I think I was going to mention blog hopping again. Sometimes with that I feel like I often jump into the conversation at the wrong times so I feel like my comments may not be as sincere as I mean them to be. I DO stay away from blog post about relationships cause I wouldn’t want to comment on something that I don’t really know how to advise someone else on. Though I like fashion, natural hair, glam and few celebrities, I stay away from those blogs and blog posts too. I feel like every other person is either into those things or doing them and I jsut like being original. Unfortunately, my need for originality has left me alone since I have found no others that share similar interests with me (and that stinks). I should be looking for college bloggers but then again I know that there aren’t many because they are doing what I should be doing…focusing on school instead of blogging. Oops. There are many times when I am on WordPress and I get that little feeling stating, “you know you should REALLY start on that homework…” yeah procrastination at it’s worse right?

Hmm. But I really don’t want to give up on my site but I have to figure out how to put more into my site so that I can get out what I put in and then some. I am going to figure out something…(I’ve been saying this since I started blogging in like 2009…oops.). Well that was just a little small update and I shall be back soon…I hope. *I am so sleepy*

My College Daze: First job and first semester.

I left off speaking about how I opted out of taking online classes because I was upset. Of course, I never had a voice of reason telling me that online classes would be a good thing because I would at least be able to graduate in four years like I was planning. I am kicking myself for not taking those online classes now but everything is a learning experience. So since I decided not to go to school…I had to WAIT. That wait felt like forever too! In that time, I had planned to get a job and start working so that I could save up for my housing application fee and down payment. And did I mention it was so hard for me to find a job?

With my sister using the only car that we had between three people it was really rough for me to find some where to work. In the spring time, my mom got another car so that helped us out and I finally got my first job too. I was happy about it but I would only be able to keep the job for a short time. During that summer though, I finally was able to start to see hope in going to college and a felt a little spark of “I think I want to go to college now” come along. It was also in this time where I had an idea of what I wanted to major in at college…Biology. It was a trip to my eye doctor for me to realize that I wanted to be an Optometrist. For some reason that checkup did more for me than any other checkup that I have had. It really motivated me to research more into that field and find out more about it and so I did.

During the summer I was also able to get into one class and that was English 102. I had taken English 101 in high school as some type of high school college credit thingy. I was taking that class online too. It was pretty hard but I passed and that was my foot in the door to Southeastern. I was a lion now and I was feeling a little nervous because of other things but other than that I was okay. Let me talk for a short while about my first time being back at Southeastern as a student and not as a visitor. Since it was my first official semester, I didn’t know too much about financial aid and “dat’daiah refund check” and how “sweet” that puppy could be! Never once did I get a, “CAR ALERT! CAR ALERT! CAR ALERT!” or a friendly, “you know Alexa, you should really save up for a car…” and I surely wasn’t thinking about that either. From the time I could fit other people’s clothes, I had had a closet filled with hand-me-downs. I was losing weight and my clothes appeared to be baggier on me but I just tried to ignore it. I figured clothes were too expensive but I did splurge and buy me some nice pants and shirts. But the real test came when I was left to face my first semester of college alone. No mom and no sister so I didn’t really know how I would do by myself either. Would my plans work out to fix all the money problems? Or would I end up making money problems of my own?

My College Daze: The LONG WAIT to get into school.

It was August before I started to realize hey you just graduated and you need to see about going to college but I still wasn’t feeling it. Also the chances of me getting on campus to stay in a dorm room were NOT in my favor. I had waited too long and well really I wasn’t thinking about college then…I just wanted time to breathe!, chill!, RELAX!…decide on what career I wanted since I couldn’t afford to attend that college I really wanted to. I remember my English teacher mention something about applying for dorm rooms at Southeastern. She warned us if it was our plan to stay on campus, then we should have already sent in our application during the fall semester of that year. I was hard headed and figured that I could have gotten things done WITH NO WORRIES, but man was I wrong and missed that deadline. I really should have been taking personal responsibility for applying for housing on campus for myself but then again…I WASN’T THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE LIKE THIS. But when one door closes, another one seemed to close right in my face with some more changes that I had to make.

Luckily, my sister was planning to attend Southeastern in the fall semester too. Yes, I got another chance! She was the only one of us who was a licensed driver. Because she made her mind to go to Southeastern, then I wasn’t too worried about missing that deadline for the dorms because this was the PERFECT option for me. I could stay at home and get used to the campus with commuting. All of a sudden though my sister changed her plans so quickly on me and decided NOT to attend Southeastern but Med-Vance (now FORTIS) instead. I was thinking like, “sis, what are you doing!?” because my plans were set on commuting with my sister…WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO SOUTHEASTERN WITH ME! I was upset, I felt left out and my feelings were hurt. The people at Med-Vance tried to hard to get me into coming there but I was strong with my NO’s. Sigh. With it being just a few days before Southeastern started for the fall semester of 2008, I opted to sit out. My mom tried to get me to take online classes but I was just a little discouraged over the fact that my plans changed on me again. So what now? I started to search for work and I spent most of my time on the computer. Really, I got a sure fine idea of what I wanted to do in college while waiting for a job opening.

Well school starts tomorrow and…

And this was one of the LONGEST breaks that I have taken from college since I started back in ’09. It feels good but not 100% good. It feels like I was able to detox myself from the last semester and the ones before that but I really didn’t find myself doing the many things that I had set out to do this summer to prepare for this fall semester. Hmm. I guess I will work it out some way or another. I still have been dealing with my headaches, work is going pretty good and the search for the car is delayed but not dead. I am passed tears this time around with the “no’s” and rejections that I keep getting with this car ordeal. I am too nervous to keep the faith and I just don’t want to think about it in my mind so I try to think about other things but unfortunately…nothing else is on my mind. I am ready for classes to start though. Why you ask? Cause I am bored! Oh my gosh like I want to study something! I won’t have my books this time around since I am paying out of pocket. I am going to get them soon though, just need to pay down my small bill. *thankful it’s small* Anyway…I may come on here and do some more “My College Daze” post. I can’t start this semester though until I finish it! LOL Anyway, I hope to find me something cool to get into at school though…that being my books and learning. Gosh! See you soon.

An explosion of emotion.

This past weekend was one of the hardest weekends that I have ever had in my life, well really since I was a young girl. I never thought that those angry feelings would resurface like they did this past weekend but they did and sure enough instead of being asked what was wrong, the issue never got solved and those feelings were left to go back into a dark place, until the next time.

A dream really foreshadowed the events that took place but like always, since I didn’t have anyone to share them with I just told myself to be cautious and to be careful of those around me. But even with me being careful I still ended up getting burned and I still had to deal with my hurt feelings, by myself. I don’t really want to go into too much detail but I would like to say that I didn’t give up on my car search. Nope, I was back at it again last Saturday but like the Saturday before that, I had no luck and I again didn’t get approved for a car loan. And like before, I was basically by myself. I guess my upset mood triggered into or was interpreted as anger towards someone else and it really wasn’t but it was taken that way and instead of being asked what really was wrong, I got blamed for being upset by something else and I can’t even begin to tell you how even more angry that made me. I had so much on my mind (thinking about school and the many things that I messed up, the car situation and something else personal) and instead of people (well family) noticing that there was something wrong, they just went off of their first instinct and said what they were feeling. I ended up getting so angry with the last person who accused me of being upset with them that I told them something that I didn’t really want to tell them at that point but it came out and not in a way that I wanted.

Though what I said to this person really what was bothering me, it just upset me to no point that I felt like I am not cared enough for to at least be asked what truly is bothering me and how I cope with my feelings. Nothing was solved and everyone went back to their normal ways…expect for me. It still hurt me that I wasn’t able to talk out my issues to the people affecting me because they choose to brush it off and keep kicking but I just had to let it go. I was the one who ended up apologizing for my actions and I guess that was what really hurt me. The fact that keep having to apologize to people who were the ones that hurt me and I really did nothing. I still am dealing with headaches bad and in fact I have a throbbing one right now. I am just thinking about how I didn’t following my broken heart into making a life time decision that couldn’t be undone. I was going to take my chances Sunday but I just couldn’t go along with it. I just couldn’t do it…and that made me even sadder but I in a recuperation stage and hopefully I can get back to “okay” soon.